I've written earlier about the people-tracking prowess of Ohio Northern University and how they use this awesome power to become a constantly annoying buzzing little gnat in the ear of their graduates. True story, they once called while I was being.....um....intimate with one of my old girlfriends. I could hear some poor work study drone reciting their fundraising script into my answering machine while I was gettin' my groove on. I find it quite the testament to my manhood I was able to maintain a boner throughout the whole pitch.
Fast forward to today. My relationship with the alumni association has proven to be far more durable than any I've had with girlfriends or wives. Hate always trumps love, and annoyance always comes out on top of pleasure. Welcome to my life. Today the mail brought the latest copy of the ONU alumni magazine, which I couldn't help but notice contained a large obituary section. I bet the dead alumni don't get junk mail or phone spam. I see an opportunity here. Thing is, how does one get word to a small town college alumni office that my whole body, and not just my wiener, is now stiff as a board? I mean, it's not like I could fill out the "what's new with you" section of the alumni website to let them know I've been hit by a truck. The only thing I can think of would be to include them in a suicide note. Of course to be effective, I would then have to commit suicide.
It might be a plan.
5 comments:
Maybe you can get one of your fellow alumni to declare you deceased. If you play your cards right, you could even declare each other dead and the office wouldn't notice.
It's pure genius. And if you figure out a way to shake them, you have to let me know, because know that I am going to hate being hounded by those bastards when I graduate.
Hmmmm, I dunno. This sounds an awful lot like an episode of "Friends" I once saw.....
Here's the deal. The next flyer/envelope/nonsense you get from these people, you mark 'deceased' on the address area and drop it in a mailbox. If you're consistent, it should work. Unitl they start writing 'drugmonkey or current resident.' Then you have a problem.
Dude, I graduated from ONU as well. I got married in 2003 and have moved once since then. They don't have my married name, but still found my address to send me the solicitations!!
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