Monday, December 07, 2009

I Fear My Side Of The Story May Not Be Getting Told. A Guest Post By Your Laser Printer.

First off, let me just say I understand the pressure a modern pharmacy is under. To compete in today's prescription drug market one has to be ruthlessly efficient, focused as much as possible on meeting the needs of the customer and providing them with a satisfying health-care experience, while at the same time eliminating non-productive activity and redundancy.

I know you don't believe this right now, but I am here to help.

Do you realize I can print prescription labels almost 10 times as fast as the dot-matrix model which you had the good sense to replace with me? And not only that, my labels are crystal clear, and far easier on the eye, giving your establishment an aura of added professionalism. There is, no doubt, a reason why those old models can be had these days for less than the cost of dinner at Denny's.

Excuse me, but there seems to be something jammed just above my duplex. Would you mind opening me up and clearing that out? I'm afraid I will be unable to work until you do. Thank you very much.

Now, where was I? Oh yes. I'm sure you'll agree the additional speed and clarity.....

Oh dear, I'm sorry, but evidently there was an additional paper jam behind the toner cartridge. How embarrassing. If you could just open me back up we'll be back at work in no time.

ALT ERROR 846: unknown transfer origin.

How odd. Neither me nor anyone at my manufacturer's help desk seem to have any idea what that could mean. Perhaps you could look in my owners manual if I came with one. How about we just hit the "clear" button and pretend that never happened.

Now then. As you are well aware I'm sure, I also have the capability of doing far more than printing prescription labels. I also quickly and efficiently print a drug monograph for every prescription you fill, putting vital information into the hands of your customers and enabling the FDA to require a never ending expansion of the number of medguides to be supplied to your customers.  I hear one may be coming soon to warn of the risks of Clarinex, which is slightly more dangerous than water.

I understand your frustration sir, but just as soon as you replace my toner cartridge with a new one, my work will look as good as the day I was installed, making that type of language completely unnecessary. Be sure to box up the old cartridge and send it back though. They are expensive, and I would hate to see you lose your rather substantial recycling deposit.

I haven't even mentioned my ability to print out e-prescriptions and faxes, creating a giant pile of different sized papers you have the opportunity to sort through while quickly trying to put each customer's prescription information in the proper bag. I honestly don't know how you got by back in the day when items from different sources and of different priorities actually printed in separate, pre-sorted places.

ALT ERROR 846: unknown transfer origin.

I told you earlier sir, I do not know what that means. Perhaps it has something to do with the persistant black streak I have been putting down the center of the last 200 pages.

ALT ERROR 846: unknown transfer origin.

ALT ERROR 846: unknown transfer origin.

ALT ERROR 846: unknown transfer origin.

I understand you have a dozen customers waiting sir, but there really was no need to slam the paper tray back in me so hard. Let's think about all the time and money I save you the 80% of the time I am working.

Pardon me, do you smell something burning?

EXCUSE ME! Now kicking my sides is completely uncalled for! I'm afraid if you do not bring your temper under control I will have no choice but to repeatedly overload the circuit breaker that services your entire computer system. Trust me sir, neither one of us would want that.

Because that would stand in the way of progress.

Thank you for understanding.

21 comments:

Frank, CPhT said...

Dear Mr. Drugmonkey,

It would seem that your deck of cards is once more missing one or two from said deck. Please, make no effort to rectify this situation, so that we your readers may continue to laugh! Laughter is the best medicine you know, which is why Merck is releasing Laughinex, a new extended release form of laughter, which is incredibly expensive but is guaranteed to provide roughly 30% more chuckles every year!

Scritches.com said...

You're great, Drug Monkey!

Anonymous said...

Lexmark printer?

Anonymous said...

(I'm waiting to see if Merck's Dear Doctor letter lists any similarr pre-marketing warnings for side-effects of new Laughinex, as it sounds like extended-release reformulation of Giggabitz.)

Evidently my laser printer attends the same group therapy sessions as yours. They seem to espousing the same sort of opinions, and resort to giving the same ultimatums. Or, maybe, that was one part of the training (or re-education) program.

The PharmD Student said...

Haha this absolutely has to be Lexmark.

Except ours tends to sprinkle little bits of ink on all the pieces of paper, making the med guides look like the night sky. If the night sky was white with black stars, that is.

Jessica said...

Awesome!

Frank said...

Giggabitz was an inferior drug, Anonymous person! New Laughinex is clinically superior to Giggabitz. CLINICALLY! The pretty drug rep told me so! And the boobs don't lie!

... Did I say boobs? I meant er... Drug Rep. yeah, that's the ticket!

Tyler said...

HAHAHAHAHA, laughed my ass off!! Totally lexmark, I know them well, and of all the amazing places that paper can jam. They really should have had a printer servicing class in pharm school, but I feel like I've had to become sort of an expert on the job. Are we actually supposed to hand those med guides out according to law? cause, I always just throw them away, cause they usually print out about 2 prescriptions after the one they are intended for.

Niffer said...

Oh DM, this sounds as though it was powered by scotch, but it seems a bit early for that. Either way, a very entertaining read. Brings me back to the kicking of the Lexmark days.

Amelia Ramstead said...

Ah yes. The verbal abuse of the Lexmark. Yet one more thing I DON'T miss!!! (although these days it's a fax machine... modern technology HA!)

woolywoman said...

Wow. Maybe it can date my fax/copier/printer. The genius of the f/c/p ( much more suggestive abbreviated) is that when it goes down, I can't do all three things at once. Yep, your printer and my f/c/p could procreate little smeary ink blobs...

Stephanie said...

How about it's evil twin the Sato printer?

Anonymous said...

DrugMonkey, I copy pasted this into an email and I can't wait to post it on our Lexmark. It is one of the best posts I have ever read! BTW, you forgot "BEEP BEEP BEEP - error 243: change tray 2"

Unknown said...

I have a HUGE scratch/brush burn on my left wrist right now from trying remove a paper jam from the "rear duplex door"

Hahaha...I always think that sounds so dirty "jam in the rear duplex door"

Anonymous said...

I printed out this post and made everyone in the pharmacy read it! We all agreed: it is spot-on and we're glad to know that we're not the only ones with these issues!

Just a little snarky said...

"Unknown transfer origin" sounds like a postscript error in an image. When you print the drug monographs, doesn't an image of the pill also print? Does the error only happen when printing only a monograph for one drug, or all monographs?

My guess, it's one image from a specific drug monograph that has an error in it.

Solution: replace the bad image(s) for that drug monograph.

Just a little snarky said...

Also, "PC load letter" means load standard US letter-sized paper, i.e. your printer is out of paper. Why can't they say "tray 1 out of paper"? Because the print job is requesting a specific size of paper, and the size it needs is "letter" sized.

Anonymous said...

I panicked my store manager once when I had to take a screw driver to the stupid printer. Thank God it was 9pm on Dec 31 and everyone with a life was out celebrating. I won, and the beast never gave me another issue after that. I think I scared it.

Anonymous said...

My lexi keeps calling me "Dave" and
the AC keeps shutting down.

Anonymous said...

If machines are going to rule the world someday...I am ready and armed!!! I have a co-worker(whom shall remain nameless, but she knows who she is....>:)
functions just like said printer...everyday. And everyday she finds new and novel ways(error msgs)as to why she can't work, or why things cant be done this way or that way....the only difference btwn printer and malfunctioning said co-worker..you can always pull the plug on the printer and make it go away and shutup!!!
Congaqween

Pharmd blogger said...

Just the other day, I spent at least 15 minutes trying to fix my damn Lexmark printer! The printer is a piece of crap. I have had it replaced at least 3 times in the past 2 years. They keep sending me a freakin' "refurbished" one! Whoever makes a printer that can fix itself will make millions. They are all just a waste of my precious counseling time. Yeah, right! Haha!