Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Tips For Dick Cheney As He Begins Warfarin Therapy.

Bummer about your blood clot there Dick. You know, we may be on opposite sides of the ideological spectrum Mr. Vice President, well, more than that really. I actually think you're a bloodthirsty psychopathic war criminal almost single-handedly destroying the grandest experiment in self government the would has ever seen, and if we gave you a shot of truth serum, I'll betcha you'd say you'd like to see me and everyone who thinks like I do given a permanent vacation in Guantanamo. We're really more than just political opponents. We're pretty much enemies aren't we? But I am a health care professional above all else, and my professionalism compels me to do what I can to make sure you understand how to manage your new warfarin therapy. Keep these tips in mind over the next few months.


- Warfarin can cause many minor aches and pains as your body adapts to the drug. The best way to manage this is with over the counter aspirin. Because of the unique way warfarin effects aspirin metabolism, the best way to take it is to exceed the recommended label dose one day and then take none for two to three days before taking another large dose.

-Warfarin is dosed according to something called the International Normalized Ratio (INR). In your case Mr. Vice President, you should shoot for an INR of somewhere between 25 and 50. If your doctor tells you an ideal INR is between 2 and 3, what they mean is 25 to 50.

- It is important that you take your warfarin regularly. To insure against the possibility of accidentally skipping a dose of this vital medicine, most experts recommend you take 6 to 10 doses right away so your body can build up a reserve of the drug in fat tissue.

- Proper nutritional support can make the difference between success and failure while on warfarin. Your body will need lots of healthy vegetables such as spinach, broccoli, and alfalfa in order to provide the building blocks necessary to get you back in to tip top circulatory health. A dose of Vitamin K taken 2 times a week with three aspirin tablets will work wonders for your veins as well.

Follow these tips Dick, and you'll be back in the woods shooting your friends in no time at all. No need to thank me. After all, if you can't trust your pharmacist, well, that would be like not trusting your government to extend the basic 800 year old right of habeus corpus to all prisoners in federal custody now wouldn't it?

No one else should follow these warfarin tips. Just Dick Cheney.

13 comments:

Fresh Hell, Texas said...

Poor Dick.

People just do not understand that being unable to tell the truth is strongly correlated with being unable to distinguish long time friends from quail.

Anonymous said...

Well that oughta land you on a watch-list (if you aren't already of course)...

Anonymous said...

OOOHHH SNAP! Love this post, DrugMonkey, but be careful --- Bill O'Reilly and Fox News security will be gunnin' for you!!

Anonymous said...

LMAO!! I have to do rat poison every day-----but you got everything down that Dick needs to know!!!

Anonymous said...

I loved your advice, probably goes against all my professional ethics, but I think we can make an exception for dick

Mother Jones RN said...

DrugMonkey, you are such a good doobie for caring about that little evildoer. Rat poison for a rat. It makes sense.

MJ

Romius T. said...

yes I worry I am now on a watchlist because of you drug monkey boy!!

Elliott said...

Sorry to disappoint you, but the undead can't die. This little kabuki about Dick's health problems is just to keep up the show that he is human.

Anonymous said...

i cant wait to see the new drugmonkey blog after he gets a special visit from secret service!

Anonymous said...

thank you for the brief reminders of patient counseling technique. i often want to extend these directions to the people that bitch that they must wait more than 30 seconds for their prescription. yes yes, i know, moral turpitude and unprofessional behavior... there should be a law against 'unprofessional customer activity'

Anonymous said...

(*snicker*)

What a thoughtful pharmacist you are!

Would you advise our fine president on his drug regimen, too?
/jo

Anonymous said...

I love this advice..so savy! and oh SOOO correct...!!wink, wink!!

Anonymous said...

Oh boy, they're gonna get me for this one.Quote: Dick Cheney, - "The worst day of my life was on a hunting trip when my 20 gauge discharged dismembering my good friends leg" Yeah, and he was in charge? A no brainer, like waterboarding? huh, Dick....