Ralph Vogel, President, Guild For Professional Pharmacists, Also An Amateur Dumbass.

It's becoming more and more obvious trade magazine Drug Topics' content comes from freelance writers given $100 and half an hour to come up with something to put between the covers. This gem comes from an article in the February 5th issue discussing the minimum wage:

Ralph Vogel, president/executive director of the Guild for Professional Pharmacists, Woodland Hills, Calif., said, "The government ought to stay out of this whole thing. If you raise the minimum wage, all the manufacturers and everybody else raise the price of their products and inflation takes over. The minimum wage ends up where it was before. The government is in debt and the only way to get out of debt is to inflate the money. If we had employees working in the office for the minimum wage and we had to give them an extra buck an hour, we'd raise our services to pay for it. They'd be making a buck more an hour, but they'd only be able to buy the same things. The government would get more in taxes. The government is the one that comes out ahead."

Gutekunst agreed with Vogel's assessment. "The minimum wage increase sounds and looks good," he said. "The government wants to promote it because it increases the revenue stream because they are going to grab back taxes from it. It will look like they're bringing more money into the government's treasury."

Jesus H. Christ there is so much stupidity here I hardly know where to start. I think the best way to illustrate the......bizarreness of this quote published as serious comment by the pharmacy industry's leading news magazine is through the magic of theatre. Join me now as the Drugmonkey Bullshit Exposure Through Dramatization Players present:

The Government Is The One That Comes Out Ahead

(Opening scene, exactly 1½ years from now, George Bush sits in the Oval Office with The Secretary of the Treasury and the Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service. Nearing the end of his second term, Bush has been spending a lot of time of late reflecting on his years in power.)

Bush: Well our plan to get the government out of debt by raising the minimum wage certainly has worked like a charm hasn't it? At first I just thought it was a plan by those damn liberals to help poor people be able to buy things, but after Deputy Assistant Economic Advisor Ralph Volgel explained it all to me, I saw my opportunity to go down in history as the President who payed off the public debt.

Secretary of the Treasury: Um, well, not exactly sir.

Bush: What do you mean? Inflation is at 500%, it certainly looks to me like we are bringing more money into the government's treasury. Hell, I'm thinking we can afford to start another war or two, maybe one of them civil wars. I could be just like Lincoln. I'll bet they name a car after me.......

Secretary of the Treasury: Um yes, well sir, after you signed the minimum wage increase into law, we realized there was actually very little.....actually no...correlation between minimum wage hikes and the inflation rate. As a matter of fact, the last time minimum wage was raised was in 1997, and 1998 had the lowest inflation rate in 35 years. That's when I overheard an unpaid intern say that if the government wanted to create inflation, all it had to do was print more money. Naturally I stole the idea.

Bush: Now why didn't I think of that more money printin' idea? Sounds a lot simpler than some complicated scheme involving the minimum wage.

IRS Commissioner: Because you're stupid sir.

Bush: Yeah I 'spose so.....all's well that ends well though. We got our inflation, and soon the national debt will be paid off and The government is the one that comes out ahead.

(The buzzer on Bush's desk sounds.)

Secretary: Mr. Bush, it's the old people on line one. They want to know when they get their extra money.

Bush: What?

Treasury Secretary: Yes, I've been meaning to speak to you about that sir, you do realize that Social Security benefits are tied to the rate of inflation, so the higher the inflation rate, the more money we mail out, and um...Social Security makes up 21% of the federal budget.

Bush: Uh....yeah...I knew that. You think I'm stupid?

IRS Commissioner: We just covered that topic sir.

(An awkward silence falls over the room, broken only when Dick Cheney enters with a piece of paper in his hand)

Cheney: Sir, here is the latest estimate from Halliburton for the cost of the new war with Iran.

Bush: What the......$10,000 a rifle? $5,000 per uniform? $75 for every bullet? All the manufacturers and everybody else have raised the price of their products!!

IRS Commissioner: More dollars are flowing into the federal treasury per hour, but we're only able to buy the same things. Who could have known this would be the result of inflation?

Secretary Of The Treasury: Well I suppose we could issue some more debt to cover these new expenses (whips out a calculator) I figure about $400 billion in 30 year notes at about.....(punches furiously on calculator) 1500% interest ought to cover it.

Bush: 1500% interest??!! That would end us up where we were before! My legacy as the budget balancer president is ruined! I'm ruined!

(Bush then tries to commit suicide by jumping out the nearest window, not realizing the Oval Office is on the first floor.)

Treasury Secretary, IRS Commissioner, and Dick Cheney, all in unison: Who would have thought Deputy Assistant Economic Advisor Ralph Volgel could have been so wrong??

The Drugmonkey, that's who, and, um, pretty much anyone else really......