Leafing through this morning's edition of the delivered on dead tree news in a semi-awake caffeine craving state, little did I know the momentous moment that was in store. Not only for me my friend, but for my patients, for you, for the country, and hell, probably even the world.
That's why I still get the dead tree news. Because if I let myself just pick and choose my news from the electronic information buffet, I would have missed this, and probably have spent the morning reading about how the latest cost projections from the Congressional Budget Office show Obamacare will be coming in at a 20 percent lower cost than previous estimates, then I would be writing a post rubbing that in your face right now.
You wouldn't have liked that, because you would have been torn away from a post about no-go zones in Europe where non-Muslims are not allowed to instead read some left wing slanted news story, when what you wanted was funny pharmacy material. Perhaps a return of the ever popular "Highlights From Today's Pill Counting Action" posts.
A left wing story that happens to be true by the way, unlike that no-go shit that Fox News pulled out of its ass.
So it's a good thing none of that is happening, and that I still force myself to have my news delivered to me like the Johnny Marzetti that was plopped down on my tray every week in elementary school. Or else neither one of us would have come across the breakthrough solution to the most vexing of modern problems.
I'm talking about painkiller addiction. You deal with it, I deal with it, everyone with a healthcare license deals with it, as well as the millions of Americans whose lives have been upended by this plague. Once we had a bright idea to reformulate the OxyContin thinking that would help. What happened was that drove people to heroin and dirty needles and product cut with rat-shit contaminated baking soda the local pusher had lying around his filthy soon to be condemned meth lab trailer out by the old Johnson farm.
Dammit!! What we thought was a great idea turned out to have zero effectiveness! What is the solution to this Rubik's Cube public health dilemma? Well there it was right in front of me on the printed page.
First though, is a Johnny Marzetti served anywhere other than elementary school lunch trays? And what kind of life do you have to lead to be honored with a vaguely appleish food product?
God, so many questions this night. But fortunately one big answer.
Because someone, you see, finally asked leading syndicated health columnist "Doctor K" what they could do to minimize the risk of becoming "hooked" on their newly prescribed painkillers.
And if you know one thing my friends, you know that once Doctor K is on the case, he'll get to the bottom of it.
After giving us the lowdown on the basics of opiate/opioids and their uses, the good doctor gets down to brass tacks. Unveiling after what I'm sure took months if not years of research, the key. That's right, now for all the world to see, we have tips from the National Institute on Drug Abuse that will help not only the letter writer, but everyone on god's green earth avoid the horrors of addiction.
But wait, do they really make tacks out of brass? I would think you'd go with a cheaper metal. And why would you say "god's green earth" when any picture from space clearly shows the planet to be blue? I suspect the answer to the latter has something to do with the religious types and their difficulty accepting what science shows to be true.
That's not why you're here though, let's free the people from their narcotic hell, and then we can move on to why the faithful can be so stupid. Here we go, the answer to how we can finally free ourselves from the chains of drug dependence and be free at last, free free free at last:
Keep your doctor informed about all the medications you take. This includes over-the-counter drugs.
Take your medication only as prescribed.
Read the information provided by your pharmacist before taking your medications.
Discuss your medication with your doctor or pharmacist. Don’t hesitate to ask questions if you are unsure about its effects.
Throw away any unused pills once your back pain improves.
Jesus Fucking Christ. This is the last time I start a blogpost about something before actually reading the article I'm writing about. I saw the headline before work and was so excited....but now....I'm stuck trying to defend this bullshit as something other than a waste of space.
Really Doctor K? I trusted you, and you treat me like I'm too goddamn stupid to think that maybe I shouldn't take my fucking habit forming meds as prescribed. Thanks there buddy, because up to now I thought a good way to avoid ending up in a twelve step program would be to force Norco down my goddamn throat by the handful. I also figured that hiding the fact I got Vicodin from my dentist would be a great path to moderation as well.
It's more than a waste of space, thanks to this antiquated technology it's also a waste of ink and I probably just contributed to the deforestation of the Indian subcontinent. Fuck me.
And fuck you. Go back to your Fox News, because you're not getting anymore Highlights From The Day's Pill Counting Action. Because I don't hate my customers anymore. Because it's amazing how much more likable people become when you finally have the tools to deal with them as an actual pharmacist and not a cog in a goddamn pill mill trying to keep the numbers on your computer screen from turning red.
Jesus Christ I just wasted my whole night on this. Doctor K sucks ass.