Friday, October 27, 2006

My First Post As A Republican. (Part II Of A Blog Trilogy)

I'm a little nervous, you know, 180 degree turn in political philosophy and all, but here goes.

I don't understand why poor people hate America so much. I mean Jesus Christ, I wish I was poor. The dream homes of south central Los Angeles, the opportunity to live amongst the high society of Crips and Bloods, the glamour of waiting in line for food stamps. Yet all these ungrateful schmucks can do is gripe about how tired they are after working 2 seven dollar an hour jobs for 12 hours a day, or how they want an apartment without cockroaches. Hell, when I was a kid we couldn't afford ANY pets!

And what's the deal with all these illegal immigrants? Coming across the desert in caravans of air-conditioned Hummers to take all our jobs. Just yesterday they fired the pharmacist I worked with and replaced her with some guy named Javier. Javier doesn't speak English very well, but from what I understand, he told me he made the 3,000 mile trip from Oaxaca because he got bronchitis and he heard he could get a free Proventil inhaler in the US. He also said he wasn't willing to take any job that didn't pay at least $80,000 a year, and that 3 other people that snuck across the border with him now work as supermodels. Another is the CEO of Proctor and Gamble. Any intelligent person can see we must stop these immigrants to protect our way of life.

What I really need right now is a tax cut.

And the gay people. Don't even get me started on the gay people. What's with them coming up to me out of the blue and proposing marriage? Every time I try to go to the grocery store there's some mustached Freddy Mercury look alike there wearing a wedding gown asking me to radically alter the institution of matrimony. Obviously this is a part of the wider homosexual agenda Jerry Falwell keeps telling me about. If the gays aren't stopped then the terrorists have won, that's what I say, and if you don't think like me, then you're a liberal terrorist that hates America just like poor people do.

Oh, and my tax cut. If I don't get my tax cut the terrorists have won too.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Absolutely brilliant.