With This Post, I Save You $19.95,

So I'm answering my fan mail today, and for this I use a gmail account. For those of you not familiar with gmail, or the entity behind it that will soon be ruling the planet, I'll tell you that one of it's unique features is that alongside any e-mail message, gmail puts in text-based ads supposedly targeted to the topic being discussed. One of these ads in my mailbox today had a link to a site run by one Frank Buachie, who for a mere $19.95, will sell you the e-book "A Guide To Become A Pharmacist." not "A Guide To Becoming A Pharmacist" mind you, or "A Guide To Help You Become A Pharmacist," but "A Guide To Become A Pharmacist" Frank says of his e-book:

It comes with 30 days no question asked, money back guarantee.We will give you a full refund.

So what are you waiting for, you have nothing to loose. (emphasis mine)

Somehow this man couldn't find a publisher.

When I read over this cheap attempt to take advantage of poor students who want nothing more than a chance at a decent paying career, I was enraged, upset beyond belief that I didn't think of this way to rip off people first. So for no other reason than to show that I am a petty, spiteful man, I am going to tell you, right here, right now, how to become a pharmacist for free.

The process will start sometime around your junior year of high school:

1) If you see a class with chemistry and/or biology in the name, take it. Try to learn something.

2) If you are in a band, any band making any kind of music, drop out, as you will have to eliminate all right brain creative and artistic function. This does not apply to marching bands however, as i) marching bands don't make music, and ii) mindlessly following orders will help you immensely in your career choice.

3) Start thinking about colleges. Forget the Ivy league, the big state school known only for it's football team will do you just fine.


High School Senior year:

1) Take them chemistry and biology classes like you are crazy for the science.

2) Drop your creative writing class.

3) Start asking people if they have their prescription card with them. Practice being incredibly fucking annoyed when they don't.

3) Visit some college campuses and look for one with a lot of white people. Not poor white people, but preferably middle class white people who never got the memo they're not rich.

4) If you do not graduate in the top 10% of your high school class, immediately kill yourself, as your life is over. Or join the military.

Pre-pharmacy college years:

1) Foolishly show up on campus under the impression you are going to learn something about drugs sometime soon. Wash away your disappointment in a river of beer.

2) Master the process of counting by fives while waving a short metal stick from right to left.

3) More chemistry! Remember, you are a chemistry loving fool!

4) Start negotiations with Satan over the price of your soul. He will not offer enough to cover tuition.

5) Imagine for a few hours what it would be like to want to help people. This will help you write the required essay when the time comes to apply for pharmacy school.

6) Develop an intense hatred for the business major who lives across the hall from you. The same one that knocks on your door EVERY FUCKING NIGHT TO ASK IF YOU WANT TO GO BAR HOPPING! JESUS H. CHRIST DON'T THESE FUCKING BUSINESS MAJORS EVER HAVE TO LOOK AT THE INSIDE OF A BOOK AT ANY TIME IN THEIR COLLEGE CAREER? The experience you have with business majors during college will set the stage for relations with your district manager or hospital administrator throughout your working life.

Pharmacy School:

1)Congratulations! The second an actual college of pharmacy accepts your application, you never have to worry about grades again. Simply remember this GPA formula; 2.0=$110kyear

2) Show up for your first day of work as a pharmacy intern, feel the door close behind you, and as the chill settles into your spine, know that all joy is gone from your existence, forever.

3) Take a philosophy class. You need this class in order to graduate. No one working for the University seems to know why.

4) Still more chemistry. And they still haven't taught you how to make crystal meth.

5) Realize that gin mixed in orange juice really doesn't taste all that bad when you have no money. Lose your virginity to that girl in pharmaceutics lab who wears the coke bottle glasses and never talks.

6) You will have no recollection of anything that happens between mid-April of your last year of school and the end of your college career. Memory will fade back in as you walk across a stage wearing a gown and suffering from the worst hangover of your life. The president of the University will hand you a document you assume is your diploma. Upon opening it 5 days later, you see it is actually a student loan repayment schedule. Your first payment is already a week late.

7) Attempt to cram everything you've learned over the last 6 years into the 3 months you have to ready yourself for the pharmacy licensure exam. Realize you've learned nothing, rekindle the relationship with coke-bottle chick so you can sit next to her during the test and copy her answers.

8) Find out that yes, the condom did break and coke bottle chick is absolutely thrilled to be starting a family. Marriage certificate is issued on the same day pharmacy license arrives in the mail, officially documenting the end of your life.

At least now though, thanks to me you will have an extra $19.95 in your pocket before that day comes. I recommend spending it on a bottle of vermouth so you can quit pouring good gin in orange juice. That's just gross.