This realization came in today's mail. Mixed in with the usual advertisements for Wonderpill XR™ and corporate sponsored continuing education was the store's self certification certificate from the DEA. Yes, a "self certification certificate" is exactly as stupid as it sounds. It works like this:
1) The government issues new regulations regarding the sale of pseudoephedrine, the nasal decongestant you've known and loved for years as Sudafed™. If you've had a cold in the last few months, or if you make a lot of crystal meth, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You can't buy Sudafed™ and friends anymore without signing for it, showing some ID, and saying "Lloyd Duplantis of Gray, Louisiana is not worthy to act as my decongestant by sucking the mucus out of my sinuses." The third requirement just applies to my store, when I'm working and in the right mood.
2) The government then makes pharmacies promise to be good and obey the new regulations.
3) Pharmacies then get a certificate saying they are complying with the law.
A kicker is that at one time the DEA was planning on charging a $35 fee for issuance of this certificate. I shit you not. The government was going to charge money for the privilege of obeying the law. I don't know if the fee went through as planned. One of many benefits of not being the pharmacy manager is that I don't have to give a shit about such details.
So this is what it's come to my friends. In 40 years we've gone from Ralph Nader taking down General Motors for selling coffins on wheels to businesses "complying" with the law by saying that they are. In the spirit of this new era of corporate regulation I would like to issue the following self-certification. My wiener is 24 inches long, and at least 100% thicker than the average male's. I will be happy to provide a certificate certifying the accuracy of these statements. Just drop me an e-mail.
3 comments:
I really don't know how anyone expects me to clean my house now that meth is so hard to come by.
Wait a minute. Wait. A. Minute. This could be why beautiful hot chicks won't look at you!!!!
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing...and apparently they have an instinctive knowledge of when that's the case.
BTW, how much do you charge for that certification? Now there's a license to mint money right there. And you can even take credit for thinking of it first...
Before I went pharmacy, I worked in the environmental field as a regulator. This is where I learned definitively that 'self regulation' is a government term for 'let me give you a tax break for screwing things up while I give you a blow job, too.' The only people self-regulation works for are the self-regulated. American business does not do anything that isn't going to make them more money, ever.
I want a statute that says I am writing down every CII I dispense, but no one will ever look at my book. Now we're talking 'self-regulation.' That would even be worth paying for!
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