Thursday, November 02, 2006

CVS Is Buying Caremark. Which Is Important For Some Reason.

Big news in the high finance/big business drug world these last few days, and I know you're all excited about it. I'm talking, of course, about the upcoming merger of CVS, the nation's second largest drug chain by sales, and Caremark, one of the "Big 3" in the prescription claim denial business. Knowing that this is a story that you, my loyal readers, simply cannot get enough of, I managed to score an exclusive interview with Edwin M. Crawford, current chairman, chief and president of Caremark, who is set to become chairman of the new company, to be known as CVS/Caremark Corporation. How did I manage to land an interview with a titan of American business you may ask? Because I'm the Drugnazi, and people fear me, that's how.

Crawford started the interview by droning on and on about "synergies" and "redundant operations" of the two companies that could be combined or something to save money. I think he said something like $400 million, but to be honest, he was being kinda boring, and the pen I brought with me to the interview wasn't working, so I couldn't really take any notes. Finally I asked Crawford if he had a pen I could borrow, and I asked him about what we at the store level, both pharmacists and customers, could expect from the new company. Crawford seemed pretty excited about some of the initiatives he had in mind for the new CVS/Caremark:

"Our new company will be lean and efficient" Crawford said. "and we would like our partners, particularly independent pharmacies, to join us in this era where every dollar counts, where every penny must be maximized." Crawford then went on to explain the details of the new "dollar wise, penny smart" program to be unveiled next month. "for every prescription our independent pharmacy partners fill for our cardholders, we will reimburse them the cost of the med plus one shiny new penny, these pennies will be straight from the mint, to show the pharmacies in our network how much we care"

Crawford added that prescriptions that require prior authorization would be reimbursed with a crisp new dollar bill. "The crispest fucking dollar bill you will ever see" he emphasized.

"There will also be some changes in the cards our members will present to you." said Crawford. "Why waste time and money on a card that has such useless information that it is of little if any use to you when you're attempting to file a claim? That's not how the new CVS/Caremark is gonna operate. Our new, improved card will be totally blank, which our market studies have shown actually leads to a higher percentage of paid claims than the current ID cards carried by our members. Plus, since there is no need for ink, they are cheaper to produce"

Another change we're sure to notice is when those cards don't work. "We're gonna quit bullshitting you" said Crawford. "Starting tomorrow, the 'help desk' is the 'hold desk.' Write that down" he said with an increasing air of giddiness. "We also plan on using some of the money we save in streamlining our two companies to hire people whose exclusive job it is to change the voice mail options every five minutes, with bonuses paid every time they can do it in the middle of your call"

"Yeah, this is gonna be a lot of fun" Crawford said at the conclusion of our talk. He then lit a cigar with a hundred dollar bill and made a call to the local Walgreens to ask if they had Sir Walter Raleigh in a can.

Read a real news story about the CVS/Caremark merger here

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Damn, that was good...pure genius. LoL!

Unknown said...

I agree. Our Drugnazi is the best writer and pure genius!

Anonymous said...

Do you think you could ask your influential new friend to do something about the music that they play while you are in a holding pattern, since it is obviously going to be an even LONGER hold?? One of our pharmacists likes to put the phone on "speakerphone" while he waits, so that ALL of us can enjoy the muzak,I vote for something besides poorly played classical music!!