Mary Sammons, Pharmacy MILF.

I have never thought it fair that women receive the vast majority of sexual harassment opportunities. For years I have seethed with jealousy as the attractive women around me get chance after chance to to enter the world of higher pay, cushy assignments, and all expense paid travel and meals while I am stuck working for a living. I have prayed and hoped and dreamed of the day the executive glass ceiling would be shattered so that I too could have my share of uncomfortable swats on the ass and porn "accidentally" left on the office computer. It's my human right to be harassed.

Well things may be looking up in my industry. Meet Mary Sammons, CEO of #3 Drug retailer Rite Aid:



Mary may not be getting invitations to the Playboy Mansion, but when compared to the type of person we usually find at the helm of Fortune 500 corporations, I think you'll agree she's smokin.' Here's a picture of Lee Raymond, the former CEO of Exxon:

Lee was recently given a retirement package worth $400 million. Perhaps because everyone else at the company couldn't stand to look at him anymore.

In Mary's case though, the Drugmonkey could easily find himself caught in the web of power, money and luxury that someone in her position could weave. And she is a titan of the industry that employs me. I could see it now..............

(fade into dream sequence here.)

The Drugmonkey is in the middle of just another average day in his new job, simultaneously on hold with a doctors office, another drugstore and the help desk of Blue Cross of Lower Damnation. The line at the counter is 5 deep, and the fax machine is working non stop. In walks an elegant older woman in a business suit right past the chaos....she stands uncomfortably close to the Drugmonkey.

"Hello Drugmonkey. I just wanted to stop by to tell you how glad we are to have you on board, and to tell you about our...... bonus....... program" She touches the Drugmonkey a tad inappropriately. "You like bonuses don't you Drugmonkey? Do you have a minute?"

Drugmonkey: "Um, actually, I don't, take a look out there at your store."

"I see, well, I'll make a few phone calls while you make me some money."

Lunatic Customer: HOW MUCH LONGER?????????

Sammons, speaking with an air of authority into her PDA/Cellphone/MP3 player/Space Shuttle: "Johnson? Sammons. Giving a green light to the pharmacy staff cuts you outlined in your memo. A 10% increase in prescriptions filled per person will be our goal."

Customer Number 2: ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT SOME PILLS IN A BOTTLE!!!!!

Sammons: "AT&T? I need to order 5 more phone lines to be put in each of my stores"

Sammons then slowly saunters back to the Drugmonkey and whispers in his ear........"I can see you're busy....when you're free, I'm in room 869 of the Ritz-Carlton.....remember....with me.... it's personal."

Customer Number 3: WHERE IS THE MOTOR OIL? HHHEEELLLOOOOOO....CAN I GET SOME SERVICE?

Drugmonkey: "Ms. Sammons, don't think I'm not picking up on the signals you're sending, but can't you see that your policies are precisely the reason we will never make sweet love? I don't have time to urinate when I'm working for you, and holding it in for 12 hours can't be good for penile health. And by the time I'm free Ms. Sammons, the only use I will have for a bed will be for sleeping...."

Sammons looks at the Drugmonkey with a mixture of sadness and confusion.

"Mary, if you ever want some Drugmonkey lovin' you're gonna have to make some changes. I'll never be able to do nooners unless I get a lunch break."

Mary's eyes lock onto the Drugmonkey's for what seems like an eternity. Her cellphone rings and it goes unanswered. Softly, she says:

"I'll do it. Mary Sammons always gets what she wants, and I want you Drugmonkey."

My friends, the power of my raw animalistic sexual attractiveness may be just the thing that saves what is left of our profession. I owe it to you to apply for a position at Rite Aid soon. Wish me luck.