Anyway, this year's present from the mystery customer was a manicure set. Wait. Maybe this wasn't a nice gesture at all. Maybe my hands so disgust this person that they have been moved to try to relieve themselves of beholding their grotesqueness ever again. Could it be that part of me is.......unattractive? Suddenly I am intrigued by the manicure set and the possibility of becoming even hotter.
Except that I don't know what half the things in the manicure set are. There's like three sets of nail clippers, which is seven short of one for each of my nails, a set of tweezers, a utensil I have never owned until today, a little pair of scissors, a nail file that totally doesn't look like a nail file, and then this group of unidentifiables:
I am honest to God stumped my friends. The thing on the left has an angled edge like some sort of knife. Cuticle pusher backer? Could the fact I'm not pushing back my cuticles be the reason I'm not getting laid at the moment?
I am honest to God stumped my friends. The thing on the left has an angled edge like some sort of knife. Cuticle pusher backer? Could the fact I'm not pushing back my cuticles be the reason I'm not getting laid at the moment?
If the thing second from the left were a little bigger, it might be the type of object you use to dig out some caviar to spread on your Ritz cracker or whatever it is you eat caviar on. Maybe with the economy being the way it is, the average caviar portion size has gone way down. Wait. This is part of a manicure set, so caviar server doesn't make any sense. I bet you might be able to use it to actually pry one of your fingernails off though. Is that some sort of new fad among the kids nowdays maybe?
My best guess for the third thing is an earwax digger. Except it kinda tickles when I gently probe my ear canal with it. Maybe it's some sort of ear dildo.
Shit. I can't hear anything all the sudden. I should probably go to the ER when I'm done writing this.
I'm thinking the last thing is a nose picker. See how the end of it is like a two-pronged fork? Bet you could totally spear a booger with this. Perhaps that is the civilized way to clear your nasal passageways in high society. A finger does seem sort of barbaric.
So anyway, any help you guys could give me here would be appreciated. With your assistance, I may end this year hotter than I began it. Or at least avoid large hospital bills.
Thanks in advance.
15 comments:
The fourth thing would make a far more effective booger picker, but it's really to slice off your raggedy-ass cuticles, because the space in between the prongs is wicked sharp. (Or at least sharper than a block of Velveeta.)
Either two or three are for pushing back the aforementioned raggedy-ass cuticles. Two looks more likely (probably for your prehensile toes too.)
I'm pretty sure your cuticles *are* the reason you're not getting any, and the second thing from the left would help you with that. I think the little dagger knife is meant for cuticles too, but you're better off with the blunt one. Cuticle cutting is actually a big no-no.
As far as the caviar, you're supposed to avoid metal at all costs. Try mother of pearl.
Anyway, second from the right is for cleaning under your nails, but I think it's pretty repulsive for someone to need something so.. spoonlike..
I've gotten my nails done at the Vietnamese salon down the street, at Bliss, and at world class hotel spas, and I have never seen anything pronged before. Good luck with that.
This reminds me of the portable screwdriver kit actually...
I worked thanksgiving and got reamed out by a patient's daughter for something. the conversation ended up along the lines of you may be working a holiday but at least you get to go home. WTF....I'm really gonna rock and roll turkey day when i get home at 8:30 after 12 hours plus your mother COULD have gone home wednesday...she chose to stay because her constipation from narc overuse was in her mind life threatening. So take your blessings where you can little drug monkey. P.S. torture tools from guantanomo???
I wish I could help, but having been a chronic nail-biter all my life (and that's not changing any time soon), I am stumped.
I'm as stumped as you are on the set - but I use the 4th item for the callouses on my feet. Pretty sharp and cuts slivers of skin off the hard patches. Great tool. Don't care whether it's meant for this purpose, but it works.
1. Crabmeat extractor
2. Excalibur (squirrel edition)
3. Barbie shoehorn
4. Cockroach blinder
I think the first thing is actually for cleaning under your nails. That, or it's a weapon of a nail file.
I use the 4th for the same purpose as Reddie. And I feel slightly relieved to know that I am not the only person in the world who does that. I've wondered if it makes me creepy. But it's kind of satisfying to cut skin that I can't even feel.
But seriously, though, I think it's for ridding your cuticles of excess hangy skin.
Anonymous 9:57 a.m. won the comment contest I was running in my head.
The best thing you can do for your cuticles is to throw these things in the trash. And then buy some Burt's Bees Lemon Butter Cuticle Cream and use it every night.
when i get one of those manicure set, they get regifted to someone else haha.
I think that tool all the way to the right is actually a pimple popper.
Am I the only one who hears testicles every time some writes "cutting off your cuticles"?
I like Anonymous 9:57's comment the best as well. Gold star.
Please don't let the pronged thing anywhere near your face. Please please please. Heidilou, now you've gone and tempted him!
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P0417&cm_mmc=us_search-_-GoogleBase-_-P0417-_-206334&_requestid=42976&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=206334
Very UN-pronged. Keep the sharp things AWAY from the face. God forbid perfect skin woman cuts her hair again and you grow another zit in retaliation...
Found a set with these tools online + the others you mentioned. It's a pretty nice set and sells for around 40 bucks...so good "anonymous customer". (Best I ever got was a Coke and a few unwelcome propositions when I worked retail.) Anyhow, it just lists them as 4 cuticle instruments (really helpful).
Also, Larry "Bud" Melman (aka Calvert DeForest) died March 2007. I have to say I don't remember him, but there's an interesting piece on him at Wikipedia. Just FYI.
#1 is a new one to me but it looks like a cuticle cutter.
#2 is for pushing back your cuticles
#3 is for cleaning under your nails and to prevent ingrown toenails
#4 is for cutting your cuticles, you push it along the top of your nails and it cuts off the excess cuticle. However, I dont advise using it.
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