Sunday, June 01, 2008

Just Remember That A Verdict Of "Not Guilty" Means Only That The State Has Not Proven It's Case. It Doesn't Prove You're Innocent. Just Sayin'

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) -- Two former CVS executives were acquitted Friday of bribing a Rhode Island state senator for legislative favors, dealing a blow to the federal government's probe into corruption in the Statehouse.

A jury deliberated for about 90 minutes before finding John R. Kramer and Carlos Ortiz not guilty of 23 counts of bribery, mail fraud and conspiracy.

Fake legal expert Ira Sammons noted that the verdict was returned in less than half the average time it takes to fill a prescription at a CVS pharmacy.

"More than a little irony there." said Sammons in an interview that took place only in my head.

In comments that didn't happen shortly after the verdict was read, jury foreman Biff Thomlenson said it was the utter insignificance of Rhode Island that ultimately led to the verdict.

"Once we started thinking about it, we really couldn't comprehend anything a State Senator here could do that would be of value to anyone. So the thought of a CVS executive offering money in exchange for influence in this state just seemed to be a reach"

"A couple people on the jury thought Rhode Island was part of Connecticut. That kinda sums up things in a nutshell." Thomlenson never said.

"Anyone who wants to get anything done here would have gone to the mob." said another fake juror. The fact that the mob was never mentioned made the government's case very suspicious."

"Not the Providence mob." she added quickly. "Only the guys from Boston know what the hell they're doing."

Because I know there will be those who will be confused- The trial and the AP story were real. Everything else was made up.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Because I know there will be those who will be confused...

I guess these are the folks for whom the phrase "unwrap the suppository" became necessary.

Anonymous said...

Love your "legal expert". The little "quote" about the waiting time for CVS was espcially good for the funny bone. Thanks for the laughs.

Anonymous said...

Several years ago Carlos Ortiz had a different position with CVS. Some sort of legal counsel position or other. At that time the NC Board of Pharmacy was trying to require lunch breaks for pharmacists. Ortiz came out against it. His statement mentioned patient accessability & "emergency prescriptions" as I recall. Have you ever seen an "emergeny prescription"? The biggest rush always seems to be for the Rx written 3 weeks ago for lipitor or Viagra. I think CVS has fired him some time after the bribery charges were filed. I suspect he got a nice severenc package. Sara said "But fuck him for that PCI shit". I think PCI is,at least conceptually,a good program,but it needs one hell of a lot of fine tuning & getting the bugs worked out.

Anonymous said...

What did you expect...RI=CVSLAND!! I bet the judge works for CVS...or his child...it's Rhode Island...everything is corrupt there!

Anonymous said...

corrupt... but nice beaches! i heart living in rhode island!

Anonymous said...

I agree, PCI does suck. It's annoying for us and for the patients that you bother at home. Not to mention confusing the old people when you ask them if they are still taking their Aricept because they are 3 weeks past due.