The Case Of The Harvard Professor Who Forgot To Do Basic Arithmetic, And How By Pure Coincidence, It Worked Out To His Financial Advantage

So what can you expect out there in the real world? Let me tell you. As you leave these gates and re-enter society, one thing is certain: Everyone out there is going to hate you. Never tell anyone in a roadside diner that you went to Harvard. In most situations the correct response to where did you to school is, "School? Why, I never had much in the way of book larnin' and such." Then, get in your BMW and get the hell out of there.

You see, you're in for a lifetime of "And you went to Harvard?" Accidentally give the wrong amount of change in a transaction and it's, "And you went to Harvard?" Ask the guy at the hardware store how these jumper cables work and hear, "And you went to Harvard?" Forget just once that your underwear goes inside your pants and it's "and you went to Harvard." Get your head stuck in your niece's dollhouse because you wanted to see what it was like to be a giant and it's "Uncle Conan, you went to Harvard!?"

-Conan O'Brian, Commencement Speech to the Havard Class of 2000

A world-renowned Harvard child psychiatrist whose work has helped fuel an explosion in the use of powerful antipsychotic medicines in children earned at least $1.6 million in consulting fees from drug makers from 2000 to 2007 but for years did not report much of this income to university officials, according to information given Congressional investigators.

By failing to report income, the psychiatrist, Dr. Joseph Biederman, and a colleague in the psychiatry department at Harvard Medical School, Dr. Timothy E. Wilens, may have violated federal and university research rules designed to police potential conflicts of interest, according to Senator Charles E. Grassley, Republican of Iowa. Some of their research is financed by government grants.

-New York Times, June 8, 2008

And you went to Harvard Dr. Joseph Biederman? Snicker snicker.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on the good doctor, I mean, world-renowned Harvard child psychiatrists no doubt work on a different plane from mere spatula jockeys such as myself, who would undoubtedly remember to report $1.6 million in income. Imagining what it must be like to live at the summit of academia, far away from the crass commercialism of mere mortals, it's not really hard to see how this could happen:

It's late at night. In a dimly lit lab, Dr. Joseph Biederman, surrounded by test tubes, beakers, boiling liquids and chalkboards, is staring intently at his notes. He doesn't notice the buxom blonde-haired prosta-rep approach the entrance to his laboratory. Finally, the clicking of her high heels against the tile floor breaks his trance.

Biederman: FOOL! CAN'T YOU SEE I WAS THIS CLOSE TO DEDUCTING THE STRUCTURE OF THE GENE RESPONSIBLE FOR 85.8% OF ALL CASES OF CHILDHOOD BIPOLAR DISORDER!! OUT!!!

Prosta Rep: I'm sorry....um.....I.......I'm so sorry....I just wanted to give you this pile of money.

Biederman: OUT!

The prosta-rep leaves the money by the front door. It is found the next morning by the doctor's wife, who had gone to the lab to check on the man she hadn't seen in 2 days. It is quietly deposited in the couple's checking account while the Doctor sleeps at his desk.

Of course..... it is possible to imagine one other scenario:

Big Pharma: Dr. Biederman, we're really big fans of your work.

Biederman: Of course you are.

Big Pharma: We really hope we can look forward to more of this type of research, if you know what we mean.

Big Pharma then slides a check into Biederman's pocket.

Biederman: Oh I think you and I will both be very excited by my new study.

Big Pharma and Biederman: BBBBRRRWWWWAAAAAAHHHHAAAHHAAAHHAAAA!!!!!

But that's the way mere mortals, who by and large are greedy as pigs, would act. Not Harvard researchers. Remember, It's Harvard.

Dr. Biederman is one of the most influential researchers in child psychiatry and is widely admired for focusing the field’s attention on its most troubled young patients. Although many of his studies are small and often financed by drug makers, his work helped to fuel a controversial 40-fold increase from 1994 to 2003 in the diagnosis of pediatric bipolar disorder, which is characterized by severe mood swings, and a rapid rise in the use of antipsychotic medicines in children.

Hmmmmm......small studies financed by drugmankers, 40-fold increase in diagnosis over 9 years, rapid rise in the use of (expensive) anti-psychotic meds, and $1,600,000 in unreported income.

Huh.

And I thought Conan O'Brian was just a funnyman. Perhaps he has a lesson to teach through his laughter.

Maybe people from Harvard aren't that different from us after all.