If You'd Like To Make An Extortion Threat, Press 5. Thank You For Holding. All Of Our Representatives Are Busy Taking Other Extortion Threats.

Through the magic of the Internet, we go to the AP business wire:

WASHINGTON – Express Scripts said Thursday it has received a letter demanding money from the company under the threat of exposing records of millions of patients.

The threat was made in an anonymous letter that the company turned over to federal investigators. 

In the letter, the extortionist expresses frustration with his earlier efforts to contact the company via telephone.

"After repeated calls to your headquarters, the shortest of which resulted in sitting on hold for 45 minutes, I have concluded a letter may be the only hope I ever have of establishing any contact with your organization.  I will therefore raise my demands by 1 million dollars as compensation for my lost time" says the unknown letter writer.

 Not really. I made that part up. I'd be willing to bet if you call the Express Scripts help desk on a regular basis I may have had you going though. 

  

The letter, received in early October, included personal information on 75 people covered by Express Scripts, including birth dates, social security numbers and prescription information.

A company spokesman said Express waited to reveal the breach "to give the investigation time to proceed and get under way."

Uh, yeah. Again, being painfully familiar with Express Scripts customer service and claim payment track record, I'll put up a twenty that "to give the investigation time to proceed and get under way." means "we never got around to opening the letter until yesterday" 

Good luck Express Scripts cardholders. Enjoy yet another benefit of  privately run, for profit health care.  

Election Wrap Up. The Al Franken Millennium On Hold, Voters In Florida Do What Al-Qaeda Cannot, Iowa Increases Its Electorate By A Factor Of 10,000

It'll be back to the pills soon my friends, I promise, but first some loose ends to wrap up from the election night that turned hope loose once again in the country. 

Hope that will be needed in Minnesota, where Al Franken's bid to unseat a United States Senator who has never denied being a member of Al-Qaeda goes to an automatic recount. Unofficial election night results show Norm Coleman, who has never denied being a member of the organization that carried out the attacks of 9/11, even when directly asked by me, ahead by 477 votes out of over 2.8 million cast. Despite a state law that automatically triggers a recount in elections closer than 0.5%, and despite cases, like the 2004 Governor's race in Washington state, where election night results were indeed reversed after such recounts, Norm Coleman  plastered the word "VICTORY" on his website, and told the press with a straight face that he would "step back" if he were in Franken's position. Proving that while his connection to Al-Qaeda may be unknown, there is no doubt Coleman is a world class douche bag. 

I don't have to tell you that Norm Coleman never denying membership in Al-Qaeda, while technically true, is written with tongue firmly in cheek. In Florida though, there really was a lunatic running for Congress who thought that Al Jazeera might be trying to kidnap him by luring him to a fake television interview. Allen West thwarted that terrorist plot, but was unable to stop the vast conspiracy that delivered an electoral ass-kicking.

Back to Minnesota quickly, where Elwyn Tinklenberg came sooooooo close to winning that state's 6th District Congressional race, in the end though, he came up a little short, thereby depriving me of many, many jokes that would have involved the name "Congressman Elwyn Tinklenberg." Dammit. 

Voters in Arizona, Florida, and California passed anti-gay marriage measures, ensuring a continuing healthy sex life for gays and lesbians in those states. Seriously gay people, be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it one day. 

In Colorado, South Dakota, and California, draconian restrictions on a woman's right to an abortion went down to defeat. Again. Ensuring that the Christian lunatics will be back next election with something more obnoxious so they can waste all our time by making us kick their ass. Again. 

In what I'm sure is a blow to my good friend, and by "good friend" I mean "person I've never met but who was like the 2nd human to ever read this blog," Romius T,  South Carolina amended its state constitution to eliminate language that set the legal age of consent for unmarried women at 14 years old.  The constitutional clause conflicted with South Carolina statutory law, which set the age of consent at a much more responsible..... 16. 

By far my favorite nugget of the night though, comes from the state of Iowa, I'll let Time magazine set the stage:

Iowa Public Measure D, also known as "Idiot Amendment," will change the language of the constitution, which currently prohibits an individual from voting if he or she is deemed an "idiot or insane."

"We decided it really wasn't fair to let the same 5 people decide everything election after election" said Des Moines resident Wally Dunlap, one of the 0.00002% of Iowans eligible to vote under the original Constitutional language. "And once we saw that dumbass plumber get his 15 minutes of fame this year, we really thought the trend just wasn't worth fighting anymore"

I still would have voted to keep the idiots away from the voting booth. It'll make re-electing Obama so much easier if we can keep the idiots away from the voting booth.

Disclaimer- Wally Dunlap isn't real. Everyone and everything else mentioned is.

A True Story About John McCain I Can Tell You Now That The Election Is Over.

I don't have to tell most of you that John McCain was a fighter pilot in the Navy during the Vietnam War. I don't have to tell you that he was shot down, captured, held prisoner and tortured by the Vietnamese for 5 and a half years. 

And I don't mean the kind of torture that we do in Guantanamo where we're careful not to leave any marks. The Vietnamese didn't care anything about leaving marks. They beat the living piss out of John McCain and then would hang him from the ceiling in his cell by his broken arms when they were done. That's why you never saw him raise his arms during the campaign. He can't. At one point during his captivity he weighed less than a hundred pounds. That's not the story I want to tell you though. The story I want to tell you starts in that prison cell, with the voice of a person named David Ifshin.

Ifshin was president of the National Student Association, and in 1970 he went to Hanoi to urge American troops to turn against the war. His words were broadcast over Radio Hanoi repeatedly and into the cell that was John McCain's living hell. 

You might expect that the two men would have gone on to become bitter lifelong enemies. You would be wrong. Ifshin went on to be general counsel of Bill Clinton's presidential campaign, a fact that didn't sit very well with many of the veterans of the war Ifshin had railed against. Some of these veterans heckled the president during his first Memorial Day speech, waving signs that read "Tell us about David Ifshin" 

John McCain gave a speech on the floor of the Senate that day. “Let me tell you about David Ifshin…" McCain said. "David is a friend of mine.”

"I wanted the protesters to know that they were bearing false witness against a good man." McCain said later."His friendship honored me and honors me still."

 You see, although both McCain and Ifshin came to radically different conclusions, both men passionately believed in doing what was best for the country. Both men came to see that in the other and to respect the others' commitment. 

I was going to write a tongue in cheek post tonight about kicking the Republicans when they were down. It would have been really funny. But after hearing Obama's victory speech tonight, I decided to tell you this story instead. Because my friends, I can't help but feel there was a tectonic shift in this country tonight. A much welcome shift in the tone we are going to get from our leader over the next 8 years. After hearing the man I had hoped so long for, finally making the speech that I so longed for him to make, well, a post about kicking the Republicans when they were down just seemed so.........Bushy. 

And Bush already seems like ancient history, doesn't he?

I'll be dammed if there isn't a little hope in the land tonight. 

  

Four Years Ago Tomorrow.

Was the night I discovered scotch. I had made myself a promise, almost 2 years earlier, that at the end of election day, 2004, I would be able to look myself in the mirror and tell myself I had done everything I could to stop the Bush war machine. My knees hurt. My legs were fucking tired. It was the end of a long road and I looked myself in the mirror. My promise was kept. There was nothing else to do except finally sleep. I didn't watch the results come in because there was nothing left in my tank that would affect them. 

It's hard to describe what it feels like to commit yourself to a political campaign to someone who's never done it. It consumes you. For every hour you have to give it gladly takes five. You meet good people working for exactly what you're working for. You can't let them down. So you walk one more block. You plaster on one more smile. You listen to another little old lady discuss her strategy for a winning campaign because you want to make sure she casts her ballot. You phone, you walk, you pass out leaflets. Because you believe in what you're doing and you can't let the others down. You're a team, and for 2 years, you've almost been like a family. 

I have wished for so long...
How I wish for you again

Will I walk the long road?
I cannot stay
There's no need to say goodbye

Oh, the friends and family...
All the memories going round
Round, round round...

I have wished for so long...
How I wished for you today

I woke up and had to know. It was the wee hours of the morning now, and that was the song playing at the volunteer headquarters downstairs. One look around and I knew. We fought so hard, for so long, and our long road was a dead end. 

To cap it off a snowstorm was closing in on Reno. Ever cognizant of the history of the Donner party, I decided it best to consider myself stuck in the Biggest Little City In The World. 

And the wind keeps rollin'

And the sky keeps turning grey
And the sun is set......

That night I wandered into the hotel bar and discovered Laphroaig. 

.....The sun will rise another day

Sure. Maybe sometime in the next generation we'll realize what a fuckup George The Lessor was. For now though, we are screwed. Guantanamo. Wiretaps. Torture. Many, many gallons of blood on our hands and we just blew our chance to stop it. Barkeep....another shot......

I have never been so happy to be so wrong. We're on the verge of the sun coming up tomorrow my friends. You know there are no guarantees though. It doesn't happen if the ballots are not cast. Cast yours. Please. 

Because honestly, I'm ready to put away the scotch for awhile. 

Pre-Election Picture #2. You Know, When Bill Clinton Did This It Was With A Human, And The Republicans Thought It An Impeachable Offence. Just Sayin'

Suit on the left: "Once again Mr. President, on behalf of the American Poultry Council, I'd just like to say how happy we are that you took some time out of your busy schedule in honor of National Turkey Farmer appreciation week."

Turkey: "I'll do anything for one of those Presidential Thanksgiving pardons........anything.

Bush: "Ahhhhh....ugggghhh....ohmygod get it off!!! Wait.....don't"

Suit in the middle: "Uh....Bob...seriously....I think there might be something wrong"

Both the suits are now in Guantanamo. The turkey has often been seen in the vicinity of the Lincoln bedroom. 

Thanks to the alert reader who sent in the pic. 

One More Time Before The Election, Just Because I Love This Picture So Goddamned Much

Oh man I'll miss this picture after Tuesday:

I mean, I hope I'll miss this picture after Tuesday. 

Because I hope, after Tuesday, these two men will be quickly forgotten.

This is the season of hope you know. Do the right thing in the voting booth my friends. 

My Local Corpro-Grocer Feels Your Pain In These Tough Economic Times

"My God Mabel, if we buy 42 cans of these Mixed Vegetables, it'll be like getting a free stamp!"

"You're right Clarence! Then we could finally write to Aunt Gertrude and ask for help with our impeding home foreclosure!!!"

"I can truly see why they call these offers Smart Savers®!! Happy days are here again!!"

Mabel and Clarence later died of carrot poisoning after eating their entire grocery bill savings in one sitting. 

No Matter The Result In November My Friends, You Can Be Sure Their Jihad Against Women Will Continue.

From the Washington Post:

CHANTILLY, Va. -- A new drug store at a Virginia strip mall is putting its faith in an unconventional business plan: No candy. No sodas. And no birth control. Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy is among at least seven pharmacies across the nation that are refusing as a matter of faith to sell contraceptives of any kind, even if a person has a prescription.

Here's my favorite part:

The drug store is the seventh in the country to be certified as not prescribing birth control by Pharmacists for Life International. The anti-abortion group estimates that perhaps hundreds of other pharmacies have similar policies, though they have not been certified.

Way to let the Jihadists get away with pulling something out of their ass to score propaganda points Washingon Post. I estimate that Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy has a policy of refilling Vicodin prescriptions early no questions asked, and I have as much evidence to back it up as you cite for your "hundreds of other pharmacies have similar policies" line. All you addicts in the DC area should totally check out Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy's early Vicodin refill policy.

Actually, I take it back. This is my favorite part:

On Tuesday, the pharmacy celebrated a blessing from Arlington Bishop Paul S. Loverde. While Divine Mercy Care is not affiliated with the Roman Catholic Church, it is guided by church teachings on sexuality.

Thanks for the heads up. I'll be sure to leave my nephew at home should I ever decide to check out the place, lest he be bent over the way so many alter boys who were being schooled in the Roman Catholic Church's teachings on sexuality have been bent over. The sheer chutzpah. Can someone tell me why the white, wrinkly, old men who lead the Roman Catholic Church have any....ANY credibility when it comes to teaching about sexuality??? 

I just now Googled Bishop Paul S Loverde. What a surprise:

A local Roman Catholic priest says he is being retaliated against by his bishop for providing evidence that three priests in separate incidents stole church collections, impregnated a married parishioner and collected homosexual pornography. The Rev. James R. Haley says he was suspended by Arlington Bishop Paul S. Loverde after blowing the whistle on the three priests in the Diocese of Arlington.

So, if you'd like your prescription filled at a place that's been blessed by a man who evidently thinks it's OK to have his underlings knock up your wife, then Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy may be for you. If, on the other hand, you would like to stay as far away as possible from people who would put their seed into your spouse, or at least do business where you will not be judged for engaging in acts billions of years of biology have programmed you to engage in, you can come see me. 

You should also see if Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy will refill your Vicodin early. 

Thanks to the multiple alert readers who tipped me to the story.

It May Take Me Awhile To Get Back Into The Blogging Swing Of Things, As Evidenced By This Snippet Of My Past Week

So I write this tonight my friends, on the brink of middle age. I can't deny it anymore. Thirty-nine times two is 78, and you can't really make a case that living to 78 isn't a full life. Middle age. The transition may be a little harder for me than most, as I have always been used to being the youngest. I have three older sisters you see, which tells you one thing. 

My parents must be really old. 

I just spent a week back home with my parents, and during that week my parents did what old people do. They sat and talked. They sat and talked with the television on in the background. My little old lady of a mother is all about the election wouldn't you know, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so the nights programming is Hardball, followed by Olbermann, followed by Rachel Maddow. After this gluttony of election news, finally, it's time for a change on the TV. 

Anderson Cooper. That's 4 solid hours of the politics my friends. I can now feel the pain of those of you who feel as if I may go a little long on the subject here. 

Mom: "Do you like him?"

Me: "He's OK. A little more straight edge than Olbermann, but not quite as entertaining. Depends on what you're in the mood for I guess."

Awkward silence. 

Television: "Sara Palin's clothes cost One-hundred and fifty thousand dollars!!!!!!!" 

Mom: "I hear he has ties to Vanderbilt money" This is said of course, in much the same way it would be if the Vanderbilts were our next door neighbors, or had some other intimate connection with our family. 

Awkward silence. 

Television: joe the plumber.....Joe The Plumber!!!...... JOE THE PLUMBER DOESN'T HAVE A LICENSE!!!!!!!!!

Awkward silence. 

Dad has been sitting in the corner through all of this. Dad's kind of a gruff, stoic guy. Finally he speaks. The words are directed towards me:

"Is that Cooper a homosexual?"

I know the answer of course, as I am now the portal into the world of all things homosexual, living as I do in California. 

This is how I spent my week. 

Don't get me wrong, I was glad to see the family again. I am also glad to be home.  

A Trip Back In Time, Both Financial And Physical

So I summoned up the courage to look at my 401k balance today, and I have decided I am very jealous of it. Because what I found, when I looked, is that my 401k stands at a point where it was pre 9/11,  pre (preventable) destruction of New Orleans, pre unnecessary preemptive war. It's like my 401k has decided to just wipe out the Bush years and start over. That's awesome. You have no idea how much I wish I could do that. I bet my 401k is really happy right now, and I'm happy for it, as it has gone back to a better time and place.

I'll be doing a bit of time travel as well tomorrow, as it's summer vacation time for me. That's what happens when you work with a pack of breeders. They beg for the actual summertime to take their vacation and you end up taking yours in October. Not that it matters, as I'm off to Ohioland and the heat of Ohioland is a bit oppressive in the summertime for someone acclimated to the California coast. 

Now when I say Ohioland I don't mean Cleveland, or Cincinnati, or Columbus, Ohio, or anyplace in the state where more than 3 people live within walking distance of each other. If you've been to Ohio, you've probably not been to the part of the state where I'll be spending the next week. It's back to my Appalachian roots my friends. There will be no Internet, there will be no cellphone coverage, the only concession to a post 70's world at my parent's homestead is caller ID, so if you're trying to stalk me, remember to block your number. 

In short, I'm going to vanish for awhile, the same way a good chunk of my 401k money has. The difference being you can count on me to return. Considering it's back in the era of Clinton, I guess I wouldn't blame my 401k money if it never does. 

Have a good week my friends.