Saturday, August 02, 2008

Yet More Evidence That The Cro-Magnon Conservatives Are Not Like Us.

You can't make this kind of stuff up. I defy you to make something like this up.

Retired Army Lt. Col. Allen West thought he'd left behind the specters of Iraq when he decided to run for Congress in Florida. But a recent interview request lead him to suspect he was a target for kidnapping.

West's combat instincts flared a few days ago when his campaign office got a call from a young woman who identified herself as a booker for the Al Jazeera network's English-language channel.

"She told my staff that she wanted to talk about the perceived uptick in violence in Afghanistan," West tells us. "I found that strange, since I haven't been in Afghanistan in eight months. There are a lot of other people better qualified to speak to that subject.

"But my b.s. flag really went up when they said they wanted my address, to pick me up at night. They said they would send a car but wouldn't tell me where it was going.

"I don't know if it was a kidnapping attempt," says West, who is challenging first-term Democratic Rep. Ron Klein in the Sunshine State. "But I am not going to entrust Al Jazeera with my life. I said, ‘Cancel the interview!'"


"Curses!" replied Al Jazeera English TV host Avi Lewis. "My masters plot to strike at the heart of the Great Satan by setting up a 24 hour a day news network, hiring respected journalists such as David Frost, broadcasting for nearly 2 years, and then kidnapping a B-list political hack with chances of getting elected at slightly more than zero have been foiled!"

Asked why Al Jazeera didn't kidnap John McCain or Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff when they appeared on the network, Lewis simply said "D'oh!"

You don't need to worry about Allen West though. Not only does he have survival skills of the type that can only be honed through combat experience, he has connections with people that totally have his back:

I’d caution you against so much as threatening this man again, as the result would be a torrent of articles and books highlighting his exemplary nature and service. More writers than you care to know of have made this pact out of admiration for Allen and for what he stands for


In a statement issued from deep inside a cave, Osama Bin Laden instructed all Al-Qaeda operatives to immediately cease all operations against Allen West.

"There is nothing that makes a terrorist more afraid than a torrent of articles and books" said Bin Laden. "We shall refocus our efforts to target the illiterate. After all, our greatest successes did come against George W. Bush"



Disclaimer- Allen West and his fear of kidnapping are real, as is the online article that promised a torrent of articles and books. Avi Lewis is a real person, but the quotes attributed to him are made up. Look here for his real take on the insane kidnapping accusation.

The Osama Bin Laden quote is made up......did I really have to tell you that?

5 comments:

Willow said...

From the NY Daily News article:

West believes he has every reason to be wary. In 2003, while he was serving in the Sunni Triangle, his unit was targeted for an ambush. West's controversial questioning of a suspect (he fired his pistol next to the suspect's head) helped foil the assassination plot. After facing a possible court-martial for the mock execution, West was allowed to retire with a full pension.

"We were concerned about a link to the Iraq incident," says West's press secretary, Donna Brosemer. "I spoke with the FBI, and they said we were right to have alerted them."


The FBI agent contacted by the press secretary commented, "We are always appreciative when nutbars like Col. West call us with wacked-out conspiracy theories and nonexistant kidnapping threats made by legitimate news organizations. It's tough keeping track of all the loonies out there and we appreciate it when one of these kooks self-identifies and gives us a call. Saves us a lot of trouble. They don't usually jump right into the net like this one did."

Cracked Pestle said...

Obviously, they had him confused with ADAM West.

Anonymous said...

:) I knew you'd like that article. It kinda goes along with my current resentment towards Canada.. but the writer himself is American I believe.

"The question is whether we Americans, of all political stripes, will do so as well."

Anonymous said...

Cro-magnon conservitives?, what would yen be without yang? ebony on a piano with out ivory? Hall with the oates? or a turd without toilet paper?

What other group of idiots would you make fun of if you didn't have customers and right wing nut jobs?

Gourmandish said...

Canada "Free" Press... snicker...

The name "Yomin Postelnik" sounds made up, but if he really does exist, I feel sorry for him.

Also, what's with the line at the end of the article?

"Those who wish this country no well recognize what a force Allen West is."

That's what you call conservative eloquence, I guess. Get an editor, you hack.