I Live With The Most Thoughtful, Caring, And Kind Person On God's Green Earth.

Although the Earth is predominately blue. That's beside the point. What's important is the surprise package.

I saw it by the front door on my way to work. Actually I almost tripped over it. My first thought was that Mom had sent her baby boy Christmas goodies a little early. Mom can be like that. She never did trust the mail. My sister works at the Post Office.

Confirmation would have to wait though. I have the habit of making it to the happy pill room with not a second to spare down to an art. I slid the package inside the door where it was subjected to a full inspection from my feline second in command. Her ultimate lack of interest told me there was nothing edible inside. Off to the pharmacy to get retarded.

It haunted me all day though, this package. It was from Amazon, and my Mom definitely still lives in the pre-Amazon age. My sisters hate me. I really don't have any friends. I hoped it wasn't a bomb. My cat doesn't really have the skills or the thumbs required to diffuse explosives.

I skipped my usual after work date with Jack In The Box. I could count on Jack to always be there. Right now the suspense was killing me.

The box was right where I left it. I tore into it with penknife and found........"The Bass Tab White Pages." Bass Tabs are a way to record song information in a way helpful to those of us who can't read music. This was the best book ever. A thousand pages of bass tabs. I almost wept with joy.

But......the number of people who know that I pick up the bass and make noise with it on occasion is very small. Less than 5 probably.

I don't play the bass. I pick it up and make noise with it. It's an important distinction.

There was more. A copy of "Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band Live At Hammersmith Odeon, London 1975" My God. Just the other day I had heard a bit of this at Borders and had been amazed at the quality of the recording. Live albums from the 70's usually sound like they've been recorded on an 8-track. Not this one. And they managed to get it on CD without it sounding all digitally crappy.

But wait. Those thoughts had never traveled outside my head. I must be dealing with a stalker. Some sort of all-powerful omnipotent super stalker.

It didn't matter. The mind reading stalker was very generous and had a knack for picking out very nice gifts. I decided I would marry this stalker the moment they left me the slightest clue as to their identity. I looked at the packing slip and saw.......

My own name. And that the order was charged to my own credit card. I had no memory. I suspect the involvement of scotch. I send myself the best surprise packages, God I love me. And I really see no reason this night that I should stop drinking. I am going to pour some scotch and make some noise with the bass now.