All Right I Lied. You Freeloaders Actually Get Primo Behind The Scenes Stuff From My Paid Work.

So let me be clear; it's not a book that might send a few extra bucks my way. It's some article type stuff, and my first deadline is Monday. We'll see how it goes. At any rate, it looks like I'll still have some time to tend to my little blog garden. To quote a movie I've never seen:

I just can't quit you guys.

So while part of me feels like Britney putting on a bikini backstage at the VMA's over this paid writing stuff, another part thought it pretty kick ass that I got to be all Michael Moorish and write Proctor and Gamble about Children's Pepto. Children's Pepto puts a burr up my ass. Read the e-mail I sent to P&G media relations and you'll see why:

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Drugmonkey, and I am a freelance writer as well as a registered pharmacist. I am currently working on a piece covering potential consumer confusion when shopping for over the counter medicines. I plan to write about two Proctor and Gamble products, Pepto Bismol and Children's Pepto, and would like to give P&G the opportunity to comment specifically on two issues:

1) What was the decision process that lead to two distinct products, bismuth subsalicylate and calcium carbonate, with different indications, to be marketed under similar brand names, color schemes, font style, etc?

2) Was there any thought given in making this decision to possible consumer confusion? i.e. Children's Pepto being used inappropriately for conditions such as nausea or diarrhea or Pepto Bismol being used in children despite it's contraindication for use in children and teenagers recovering from viral illnesses?

My deadline for this story is October 1. Thank you for your time.

I love this e-mail. I think I like it better than the actual article I'm going to submit. It's short and sweet and vaguely intimidating. It lays a trap for them in that either:

1) They didn't think about the implications of giving two very different medicines similar brand names, which means they are dumb, or:

2) They did think about it and did it anyway, knowing full well that people would use Children's Pepto the wrong way and/or give Pepto Bismol to children who shouldn't be using it, which means they are scumbags.

The e-mail has been a smashing success. I can report that Proctor and Gamble has been intimidated into total silence. They obviously have looked over the very blog now in front of your eyes and know that if they try to pull any bullshit on the Drugmonkey I will tear them to shreds, just like I do to people here who leave asinine comments. They have decided the wiser course of action would be to cower silently in their corporate towers and hope that I, their worst nightmare, will go away. This night the Drugmonkey has cast a spell of silence over the entire Proctor and Gamble empire.

Or at least in my e-mail box. They totally never got back to me. And no, I didn't really tell them my name was Drugmonkey.

Anyway, I was just so damn proud of that e-mail that I didn't want it to be totally for naught. Looks like you freeloaders got the last laugh.