Saturday, June 02, 2007

Tonight The Drugmonkey Shares The Secret Of The American Dream

Remember Ross Perot's "giant sucking sound?" He came up with that, um, colorful, description of a future in which good-paying middle class jobs would be driven from our shores by the policies of free trade while he was running for president in 1992. Boy we sure loved to make fun of Ross for that one. Sucking sound. Ha ha. What an idiot:

I think some of you may owe Ross an apology.

But, hey, I'm not here to bitch. The Drugmonkey is nothing if not a problem solver, and tonight I will give those of you caught on the wrong side of globalization the key to living the life your father could have by simply asking someone at the local factory if they were hiring. That factory may have long ago moved to Shanghai, but the key to the American Dream lies in the next sentence I am about to type:

No one has asked to see my actual pharmacy license in at least 10 years, probably longer.

Employers have asked to see my Social Security card, so make sure you have one of those. But any credentials from an actual Board of Pharmacy? Nope. For all Corpo-pharma-chain knows, they have been cutting checks to someone who doesn't know Tylenol from a hole in the ground.

Speaking of Tylenol, it will be the key to faking your way through a pharmacy career. The word "Tylenol" will be an acceptable answer to around 80% of the questions you'll receive from the general public. "Ask your doctor" will take care of the other 20%

Other tips:

Try to find work at a very busy store. I have worked entire shifts where I did nothing but wave prescription vials under a bar code reader and match the tablets inside with the picture on a computer monitor. I shit you not. Mail order pharmacy is an even better plan.

Make sure your stock portfolio strikes the proper balance between small, medium, and large capitalization companies. Having a position in bonds is a wise move as well.

Buy some malpractice insurance. Be aware though, that malpractice insurers can be tougher sticklers about credentials than pharmacy chains.

401(k) plans provide an opportunity for tax-free growth of your retirement savings. Be sure to take advantage.

In the rare cases when "Tylenol" or "Ask your doctor" will not shut up someone seeking actual medical advice, go to plan B; Benadryl. Mention that they need the kind in the pink box and the public will consider you extra wise.

These tips and a good golf game should be all you need to live the life the children of the baby boom worked so hard to ensure would never be possible for Generation X. Also maybe a laser printer. Just in case someone does ask for a license. It should take you about 10 minutes to come up with one. Tuition is for suckers.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't tell me this, I'm starting pharmacy school in August. Where they're going to make me shell out for malpractice insurance. Y'know, just in case I tell someone to take Benadryl when I should have said Tylenol.

Anonymous said...

Thanks! I'm printing out the fake pharmacist license as I write this. Working at home as a medical transcriptionist was beginning to suck.

At least I know how to spell drug names and decipher prescriptions (doctors can't possibly write any worse than they dictate, can they?) so I figure I'm up one those who have no background in the medical field.

One last thing: can I use you as a reference?

Anonymous said...

Im sure it wont be the first time someone has practiced pharmacy/medicine w/o a license..

I start pharmacy school in the fall and I love your blog. Real World 101-things you dont learn in class

RioIriri said...

I work in a small factory, which is located in an industrial park with a lot of other factories. The majority of products created in this park are food products.

The only thing that is really left for American workers, it seems, is food production. I think this is possibly because we enforce food regulations more stringently than most other things. I could be wrong.

Most of the products are being used domestically. We have almost no export products left in the USA.

My job is Quality Assurance, doing lab work, but the guys doing the production? They make a buck above minimum wage. It's sad.

Anonymous said...

The mail order pharmacies are so desperate for pharmacists, I'm sure anyone who can spell pharmacist on their resume could get an interview.

Wish I had gone to pharmacy school, even *after* reading your blog...

Anonymous said...

Yeah but my advice to anyone is to print that fake pharmacist license, because my store displays the licenses. Just as a heads-up lol

Anonymous said...

Hehe,
"Take some Tylenol"
"I'm allergic to Tylenol!"
"Then take some Benadryl too."

Mother Jones RN said...

Thanks for the advice. I was looking for a way to get out of the nursing profession:-)

Anonymous said...

you are too funny! I think your blog is great, and I just started reading it today! Even work (the little I've done) doesn't actually suck today...