Monday, June 18, 2007

A Request For All The Genetic Engineers Out There Who Read This Blog, Of Which I Suspect There Are Quite A Few.

Ever wonder how cats magically know where to poop and pee? This question has baffled me for years, ever since I once took in a wild feline beast for the night when I lived in the middle of nowhere. This cat was probably middle aged, and had never lived anywhere but in the great outdoors all his life. I set him up in the garage and the first thing he did was take a giant dump -right in the litter box. How the hell did he know to do this?

I've been thinking about babies some here of late. Human babies. And from what I understand, teaching them where to poop and pee can be quite a drawn out process. I think putting the magic cat poop gene into human DNA would not only benefit the little tots who don't understand why they just can't go in the corner, but the many adult customers at the store who don't understand why they just can't go on the floor somewhere in the general vicinity of the toilet.

I would also like to request the magic bear gene that lets them sleep all winter without once getting up to go to the bathroom for myself. I think this would be a much better use of genetic engineers time than working on tomatoes that have a shelf life of centuries or corn that neither bugs nor I would want to eat.

Oh, and a tail. Like a kangaroo tail I could lean back and kinda sit on during my 12 hour workdays. I would totally pay money for a kangaroo tail.

I hope this is still funny when I sober up.

10 comments:

Judy said...

I thought it was funny and I'm sober. OK, the rest of my entertainment today consisted of cleaning up kid puke, so pretty much anything might be funny.

Ask me again tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

I could go for a tail.

Awesome Mom said...

Try googling elimination communication.

Pharmer Jane said...

Why *is* there always pee on the floor of the bathroom? Especially in the LADIES bathroom? I want that magic catbox gene put in everyone. I also will raise you a "stop mindless procreation" gene and have an engineer design an automatic condom dispenser attached to the penis. As soon as he even THINKS about sex, he's covered.

LD50 Rat said...

The tail would totally rock. Especially when waiting at the DMV.

What are/were you drinking.

LD50 Lab rat sipping rock gut vodka

Mother Jones RN said...

Oh you sweet little Drugmonkey. I can tell you're going to have a lot of fun potty training your kids someday:-)


MJ

Anonymous said...

I could go for SOME tail.

Bo... said...

That cracks me up!

Anonymous said...

Okay, this is scary. I was totally thinking about how much I'd like a tail like a kangaroo when I was standing in line for hours and hours this weekend at a taping of "Antiques Roadshow". Great minds think alike, huh?

I foster kittens for the local SPCA and it's my job to teach them about the litterbox if there's no feline mom around. I agree with you that a kitten is a hundred times smarter than its canine or human counterpart. A kitten will demonstrate immediately that it knows what a litterbox is for within minutes of seeing one for the first time in its life.
I would be totally up for splicing the cat poop gene into a human, as long as it doesn't mean humans would also get that "lick your butt" gene. I'd hate to see us in that weird leg-behind-head position grooming ourselves down there.

Anonymous said...

I don't know, I think it would be kinda cool to see people groom themselves. A great equalizer, of sorts. Can you imagine what political summits would be like? We'd have to stop doing photos, though. At least as long as Sidekick Dick is slouching around. Ooooo! Or waiting in line at the grocery store! The possibilities are endless! I am going to picture my staff doing this ALL DAY TODAY. At least I'll finally find them amusing, instead of just annoying.