Highlights From Today's Pill Counting Action.

I always wanted to make some sort of mix tape of the random noises that are left on the store's voicemail overnight. That is how I start my day. Listening to the random noises. A lot of times it's the tones of someone trying to punch in a refill number. More often than I can count it's a befuddled "uuuuuhhhhhhhhh" followed by silence and a click. Once I swear it was just 15 seconds of slurping. Today it was someone singing the Hall and Oates classic "Maneater"

"Ooooohhhh-ooohhhh here she comes/watch out boy....she'll chew you up....."

Someone sang that into the store's answering machine. Listening to it is how I started my day.

I decided to test a new theory today. Whenever someone decided to interrupt me filling your prescription by asking the location of some product in the store, and I had no idea where the product was, I just sent them as far away from the pharmacy as possible, on the assumption that either; 1) They would find what they were looking for while making their way to the store's far corner, or 2) They would come across a store employee whose responsibilities actually include stocking the shelves. It seemed to work out pretty well. Only one person came back to the pharmacy to ask again, and I was on the phone and didn't have to talk to them. I can't believe it took me so long to think of this.

Actual conversation with a doctor's office:

Doctor's office: "Hi, I'm calling to authorize some refills for John Smith's Protonix."

Me: "OK"

Doctor's Office: "So, how many refills should we give him?"

For those of you not familiar with the process, it is traditionally the role of the doctor to issue a prescription, the doctor having been the one who's examined the patient and in theory the person with the slightest idea how serious the patient's stomach condition is. I said 12 because it was the first number to pop into my head. I thought the lady at the doctor's office would stop and ask me why I thought 12, at which point I would sarcastically rip into her for being dumb as a doornail. She didn't. John Smith got 12 refills. Some doctor out there feels comfortable having this kind of medicine practiced in his name.

Please don't tell me you don't realize the name "John Smith" was made up. Back to the day's action:

Someone asked me where the paternity tests were while they were holding a baby. They had quite the sense of urgency. It would have made for the best video blog post ever. Moving on......

"Hi.....uuuhhhhhh....yeah.....this label says not to take if you're allergic to shellfish.......but I have high cholesterol...."

I waited for the string that would tie that sentence together. It never came. The statement was already nicely bound up in some sort of point deep inside the customer's brain. The fact that it was bound in a way utterly incomprehensible to anyone else didn't matter. He knew drugboy would make it all better.

Another customer tried to forge a prescription for Patanol. Patanol is an eye drop used to relieve allergy symptoms, and some customer thought it would be easier to try to pretend they were a doctor phoning in a prescription for it than to contact their actual doctor. Their eyes must have been itching crazy bad.

Yet another customer asked me if he could eat hot dogs if he was taking Viagra. I was able to dig out the point here. He saw the warning on the Viagra label about nitroglycerin and thought it might apply to the nitrites in his wiener.

Not his Viagra wiener. His ketchup and bun wiener. See why I had to go to college for so long now? It's important to keep the wieners straight. Which is where the Viagra comes in. OK, I gotta stop. I'm killing me.

Speaking of wieners, I can't get that Hall and Oates song out of my head now. Or maybe the term "douche bag" would apply more to Hall and Oates. I think I'll set up a poll so you can decide the issue. Goodnight.

So I'm Talking To A Pharmacist Recruiter Today.....

......not about actually finding a new job. I'm not the kind of person who would use a pharmacist recruiter to find a new job. People that use the services of a pharmacist recruiter tend to be smarter, more sophisticated, and way more sexy than myself. I got my current position by walking into a store wearing a pair of blue jeans and asking if they happened to need a pharmacist. That should tell you a lot really.

The reason I was talking to the pharmacist recruiter today was because the pharmacist recruiter was offering me money in exchange for placing an ad here on my little blog garden. Of course I did what any red blooded American would do when someone is offering them cash. I snatched up every last dollar I could before the lady changed her mind. Look over to the right. I'm in the advertising business now. I think of it like getting some scotch for free.

So if you're a pharmacist, and you're sick of your job, and honestly, what pharmacist isn't? And you're thinking of putting yourself on the market, by all means click on the ad over there or visit Find-A-Pharmacist-Recruiter.com and give my advertiser a check out. Because if you end up finding a job through them then I get even more money. That's like more free scotch. Which would rule.

And if you're a pharmacist who's happy with your current job, but you want to take a new one just to help me out, that'd be great too.

Now back to our scheduled programming......

From The "Some Nights The Blog Just Writes Itself" Department.

To Africa we go, and an interview given by the best Republican president of our generation, Bill Clinton on the current status of the struggle against AIDS:

Former US President Bill Clinton has said that improving health services is the main challenge to fighting HIV/Aids in Africa, not a lack of money.

In a BBC interview, Mr Clinton said his foundation had therefore been focusing more and more on cost-effective ways to improve national health systems.

He also said encouraging monogamy should be an important part of the fight against HIV/Aids.

OK, so, you know how a lot of times on the blog here I'll cut and paste some stuff from a news article, then I'll make up some sort of quote or something at the end, something that would have been incredibly ironically funny to have had come out of the person's mouth?

I didn't do that this time. I swear. He really said that.

Crap. I know none of you are gonna believe me. I might as well go to bed.

A Conversation Soon To Take Place At Medco Headquarters In New Jersey.

"Mr. Snow, there's a Thomas Ryan on line one. I told him you had a full schedule, but he insists on talking to you. He's been calling all morning and sounds rather.....unstable"

"What does that CVS Nimrod what now? Fine, Ms. Mugrass, I'll take the call."

"Snow here"

There is silence on the line, except for the sound of faint laughter.

"Ryan, you there? C'mon, I don't have time for bullshit."

More seconds of silence, followed with a soft, "Oh you have time Medco. You have time for all the bullshit I can wing your way. And you also have the money for some new contract terms."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know the standard Average Wholesale Price minus 15% reimbursement you pay drugstores?" Well starting now, for CVS stores it's AWP PLUS 15%. "

There is 30 seconds of mad cackling on the line.

"Ryan, you're on crack. We didn't get into the pharmacy management business to get screwed. Medco has stood for giving the shaft to retail drugstores from the day it was founded. Now...."

"I don't think you've heard the news Medco boy. I own everything now...... Everything. How would you like to tell your clients the only drugstore that accepts your card is Rite Aid?"

"Rite Aid's still in business?"

"What are you gonna say to your clients when they ask why Caremark can give them a better deal on pharmacy management services than you can all the sudden? You missed the memo bitch-boy. You lost. I own everything. Whatever you have from now on is what I decide to give you."

"Alright. AWP minus 5%"

"Fuck you. AWP + 20%. And you'll cluck like a chicken."

"What?"

"I SAID CLUCK LIKE A CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!"

Silence again engulfs the line. Then David B. Snow Jr., Chairman of the Board of Medco Health Solutions, starts to cluck softly.

"That's a good little clucker. We still on for golf on Saturday?"

"Yeah, we're still on."

Snow will lose by 5 strokes, deliberately blowing a sizable lead over the last 4 holes. Immediately after this call is over, Thomas Ryan, Chairman and CEO of CVS/Caremark, has his secretary call the Texas board of pharmacy to present a list of demands.

Disclaimer- You know, or should know, that while the names are of real people, the account is fictional.

The Niche Pharmacy That Will Make Me Rich Part 2. The Drugstore Of Darkness.

I'm having second thoughts about the Elvis Pharmacy. Copyright and trademark issues are sure to be a problem, and frankly, I think it would require a lot of movement on my part. I'm not a big fan of movement right now. I just spent the last 5 minutes staring at a bug climbing up the wall. I'm sure that's not a good sign. My cat spooky just ate the bug. I have a new idea for the pharmacy of the future:

You walk through the door and into the darkness. A spring on the door ensures that it shuts quickly behind you, minimizing your exposure to any light other than the solitary candle I have lit on the counter. I am dressed in black. The walls are black. You are my regular customer only because Walgreen's takes an hour to fill your prescription and all you care about is getting it in 5 minutes. You lay the order on the counter.

"Levaquin" I say in a tone distracted and distant. "Of course I will help you, but of course you know the Levaquin will only delay the inevitable. Life itself is a futile event my friend. Yet we struggle on"

As I turn away to fill your prescription you notice the one picture on the wall. It is of Homer Plessy

Miles Davis' "Kind Of Blue" forms an oddly synergistic auditory compliment to the sound of your prescription label being printed. I seemly emerge out of nowhere to tell you your cure is ready. You ask only why your co-pay is so high.

"Why is anything?" I say. "Why is anything............" my voice tails off as the cash register spits out your credit card approval.

"Enjoy your gift." I say softly as you make your way to the door. As the light of day blinds you while you step back onto the street you think you hear me say......

"Enjoy your struggle. It's the only one you'll get"

Yeah. I'll be totally fucking rich with this idea. Beats the crap out of all the happy pie in the sky bullshit every other drugstore is shining up your ass.

Fuck this guy.

Fuck her too.

If nothing else my drugstore of darkness will leave me far more emotionally satisfied. I'm going back to staring at the wall now.

A Quick Update; The Drugmonkey Army Was Unleashed. It Was Victorious.

From the Progress Report, which you should be reading regularly:

A draft U.S. regulation "that would define many forms of contraception as abortion will not be proposed in that form, if at all, Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt said.

You were a formidable opponent Mike Leavitt. You held out for 16 days, far longer than I expected from someone who couldn't even help his elderly parents pick out the correct Medicare Part D plan, but in the end you were crushed, as I knew you would be the moment I exposed your dark intentions to the world.

You should feel no shame at the defeat inflicted on you by my readers Mr. Leavitt. You should, however, go into an exile both long and far away.

Dilweed.

I Am Pleased To Offer You, My Dear Readers, Access To One Of The Most Scientifically Effective Fertility Treatments On The Market

Studies now show that short of in vitro fertilization, nothing has been proven more effective than my wiener for the treatment of unexplained infertility:

LONDON - A new study calls into question the use of two common infertility treatments for couples who have unexplained problems having children.

Doctors in Scotland tested a drug that stimulates ovulation and artificial insemination against doing nothing in couples who had no obvious reasons for their inability to conceive.

Among the three groups, researchers found little difference in the numbers of couples who had babies. The study was published Friday in the British Medical Journal.

"These treatments are a leap of faith," said Dr. Siladitya Bhattacharya, a professor of reproductive medicine at the University of Aberdeen and the study's lead author.

Yes. A leap of faith. I couldn't have said it any better myself. That's why you will find it so helpful....... so.......natural....... to cry out to your God during the Drugmonkey infertility treatment series.

A third of the 580 couples in the study were simply counseled on the need to have regular sex. Another group got clomifene citrate, which stimulates the ovaries to release eggs. It is sold as Clomid, Serophene, and Milophene, among other names.

OK wait a minute, the need to have regular sex in order to get pregnant had to be explained to people? What the hell was these people's plan before? The tooth fairy?

I mean...um....your treatment will involve the latest scientific counseling in natural, organic, effective pregnancy inducing techniques. Ample practice and demonstration opportunities will be available at my weekend seminars held in Las Vegas, Nevada. My seminars are unique in that only the woman need attend, making them convenient for today's busy couples, and perfect for aspiring single mothers or same sex couples.

They're really perfect for same sex couples. Same sex couples capable of getting pregnant that is.

For an additional fee, the seminar can come to you. Completion of certain release forms are required though, regardless of seminar location. These release forms will ensure that you, and only you, will be in control of your child's future. Think of the peace of mind you will have knowing that no one else can ever have any input into the raising of your child.

Remember, studies indicate that my wiener is just as effective as Clomid therapy in cases of unexplained infertility. Not to mention my method gives you the chance of a baby that looks like me, which is to say, smokin' hot. So call today. Offer not valid in all states.

Maybe The Most Respectful Hate Mail I've Ever Received

The wacko Congressional wanna be from Florida has his defenders:

Uhhh...have you ever actually read or seen the (depraved) "stuff" that Al Jazeera publishes??? You may be a Pharmasist (and for that I respect you...as my wife is one as well) but you have absolutely no clue as to world affairs in regards to the war on terror and the simple (and obvious) fact that Al Jazeera is just another "tool" of the terrorists. Try "growing up a little" and "look outside of the box" that you have been placed in by our pathetic excuse for a media (cheering section for the DNC...and terrorists, would be more accurate) I'll just give you the benifit of the doubt for being niave. Take this to heart from someone that has actually some experience in this, just like I take the advice that you (or my wife) would give me on my prescription. If I were LTC West, I'd decline the interview as well, because they are NOT my friends and they would arrange to do me bodily harm if they could get away with it!

Thanks,

1SG V
USA
Infantry

By all means solider boy, lets talk about naivete. You know what I said the first time I saw a news report that took seriously the fact we might invade Iraq?

"Chris Matthews is on fucking crack."

You know what many of your colleagues said?

"Duuuuuhhhhhh.....me join army. Saddam got nooculur bombs."

And now today we have this:

On Dec. 14, 2003, the London Sunday Telegraph published an explosive front-page story headlined, "Terrorist behind September 11 strike 'was trained by Saddam.'" The proof was a July 1, 2001, letter from the head of Iraqi intelligence, Tahir Jalil Habbush, stating that 9/11 terrorist Mohammed Atta had trained for his mission in Iraq. War supporters touted this story as further justification for the Bush administration's war......

....So what happened? Pulitzer-Prize winning author Ron Suskind argues in his new book, "The Way of the World," the White House fabricated this letter and paid Habbush $5 million to stay quiet. Additionally, officials ignored Habbush's warnings that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. Suskind's reporting provides the latest bit of evidence that the Bush administration deliberately misled the public to launch its war.

They made it up. Made it up and you fell for it. By all means lets talk about naivete. Maybe in honor of the way you got used, they could rename your unit the Charmin brigade.

Sorry for the insult, but I was a little offended by you asking if I ever read something I provided a link to. Yes, I've seen what your enemy has done to your colleagues. I've also seen what your colleagues have done to people who were no one's enemy. I'm a little sorry you pissed away the best years of your life getting GI pay while the liars you served were writing million dollar checks to keep the facts on the down low. I feel a little bad for the shit you went through, but I feel a lot worse for the people who never asked for it.

Who never signed an enlistment contract.

Who are in a country that never attacked us.

You do know most of the 9/11 hijackers were Saudi Arabians, yes?

You do know their base of operation was Afghanistan?

You do know that Saudi Arabia is not Iraq, right? Because you're such a sophisticated foreign policy think tank kinda fella. I bet you even know Afghanistan isn't Iraq either.

So why exactly are so many of your colleagues spending so much time, so much blood, and so many of our tax dollars in a place that isn't Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan? Wouldn't have anything to do with laying the groundwork for the people that actually run this country to cash in on the world's oil supply would it?

Of course not. It would be naive to think a thing like that.

You got taken. I'm sorry. Kind of.

I Dream Of Escaping The Profession, But Let's Face Reality. I'm Almost 40. My Future Lies Within It.

Not many can pull off up and starting a brand new career by the time gray starts to settle in around the temples. Even if those temples are covered in thick, fabulous, non-bald hair, and not even if in less than a year I will be one of the hottest 40 year old men on the planet. No my friends, around my age, people start to get defined for what they've been, not what they will be. So it may well be time to accept that my career path is set, to stop wasting my time on cockamamie dreams of being the next Carl Bernstein, and to spend it instead concentrating on becoming the best pharmacist I can be.



Which leads me to two words: Elvis Pharmacy. Who the hell wouldn't want their prescription filled by Elvis?



You need a niche to succeed in today's marketplace, and while Elvis has been done every which way since he took his terminal poop, having him behind the pharmacy counter would be a first for both The King of Rock and Roll and the drugstore business. Not to mention the professional dignity of a pharmacist wearing a sequined jumpsuit and sunglasses is a good two or three steps up from the quickie drive throughs, the Maalox name tags, and the "Your prescription ready in 20 minutes!" barking over the store's PA offered by today's pimps of the profession. Elvis won't lie to you and say the "bioidentical" estrogen specially compounded to protect the profit margin of your independent drugstore is safer than any other estrogen. And really, who better to counsel you on that Percocet prescription?

"Now you listen to the king" I'll say while looking over the top of my rose-tinted eyewear. "You only take these if you're really hurtin.' The king didn't do that, the king took them whenever he wanted to, and look how the king turned out. "

My God this idea has "license to print money" written all over it. The Elvis demographic isn't getting any younger, and if old people buy anything, it's pills and muscle rubs. Elvis would charge extra to apply the muscle rub. Of course The Elvis Pharmacy would be in Las Vegas, and any town where you can pick up your dry cleaning at two in the morning is a natural fit for myself, who is writing this blog post at that very hour.

I could also easily gain 40 to 50 pounds and still play the role. Plus I would get to wear a cape. It would involve a lot of prescription transfers, as it would be the tourists who would mainly be begging me to sell them shit, but this could be dealt with, even become part of the Elvis Pharmacy experience. Listen in as Elvis calls your square drugstore back home.

Those of you in the profession, you have been warned.

Yet More Evidence That The Cro-Magnon Conservatives Are Not Like Us.

You can't make this kind of stuff up. I defy you to make something like this up.

Retired Army Lt. Col. Allen West thought he'd left behind the specters of Iraq when he decided to run for Congress in Florida. But a recent interview request lead him to suspect he was a target for kidnapping.

West's combat instincts flared a few days ago when his campaign office got a call from a young woman who identified herself as a booker for the Al Jazeera network's English-language channel.

"She told my staff that she wanted to talk about the perceived uptick in violence in Afghanistan," West tells us. "I found that strange, since I haven't been in Afghanistan in eight months. There are a lot of other people better qualified to speak to that subject.

"But my b.s. flag really went up when they said they wanted my address, to pick me up at night. They said they would send a car but wouldn't tell me where it was going.

"I don't know if it was a kidnapping attempt," says West, who is challenging first-term Democratic Rep. Ron Klein in the Sunshine State. "But I am not going to entrust Al Jazeera with my life. I said, ‘Cancel the interview!'"

"Curses!" replied Al Jazeera English TV host Avi Lewis. "My masters plot to strike at the heart of the Great Satan by setting up a 24 hour a day news network, hiring respected journalists such as David Frost, broadcasting for nearly 2 years, and then kidnapping a B-list political hack with chances of getting elected at slightly more than zero have been foiled!"

Asked why Al Jazeera didn't kidnap John McCain or Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff when they appeared on the network, Lewis simply said "D'oh!"

You don't need to worry about Allen West though. Not only does he have survival skills of the type that can only be honed through combat experience, he has connections with people that totally have his back:

I’d caution you against so much as threatening this man again, as the result would be a torrent of articles and books highlighting his exemplary nature and service. More writers than you care to know of have made this pact out of admiration for Allen and for what he stands for

In a statement issued from deep inside a cave, Osama Bin Laden instructed all Al-Qaeda operatives to immediately cease all operations against Allen West.

"There is nothing that makes a terrorist more afraid than a torrent of articles and books" said Bin Laden. "We shall refocus our efforts to target the illiterate. After all, our greatest successes did come against George W. Bush"



Disclaimer- Allen West and his fear of kidnapping are real, as is the online article that promised a torrent of articles and books. Avi Lewis is a real person, but the quotes attributed to him are made up. Look here for his real take on the insane kidnapping accusation.

The Osama Bin Laden quote is made up......did I really have to tell you that?