Tonight The Drugmonkey Shares The Secret Of The American Dream

Remember Ross Perot's "giant sucking sound?" He came up with that, um, colorful, description of a future in which good-paying middle class jobs would be driven from our shores by the policies of free trade while he was running for president in 1992. Boy we sure loved to make fun of Ross for that one. Sucking sound. Ha ha. What an idiot:

I think some of you may owe Ross an apology.

But, hey, I'm not here to bitch. The Drugmonkey is nothing if not a problem solver, and tonight I will give those of you caught on the wrong side of globalization the key to living the life your father could have by simply asking someone at the local factory if they were hiring. That factory may have long ago moved to Shanghai, but the key to the American Dream lies in the next sentence I am about to type:

No one has asked to see my actual pharmacy license in at least 10 years, probably longer.

Employers have asked to see my Social Security card, so make sure you have one of those. But any credentials from an actual Board of Pharmacy? Nope. For all Corpo-pharma-chain knows, they have been cutting checks to someone who doesn't know Tylenol from a hole in the ground.

Speaking of Tylenol, it will be the key to faking your way through a pharmacy career. The word "Tylenol" will be an acceptable answer to around 80% of the questions you'll receive from the general public. "Ask your doctor" will take care of the other 20%

Other tips:

Try to find work at a very busy store. I have worked entire shifts where I did nothing but wave prescription vials under a bar code reader and match the tablets inside with the picture on a computer monitor. I shit you not. Mail order pharmacy is an even better plan.

Make sure your stock portfolio strikes the proper balance between small, medium, and large capitalization companies. Having a position in bonds is a wise move as well.

Buy some malpractice insurance. Be aware though, that malpractice insurers can be tougher sticklers about credentials than pharmacy chains.

401(k) plans provide an opportunity for tax-free growth of your retirement savings. Be sure to take advantage.

In the rare cases when "Tylenol" or "Ask your doctor" will not shut up someone seeking actual medical advice, go to plan B; Benadryl. Mention that they need the kind in the pink box and the public will consider you extra wise.

These tips and a good golf game should be all you need to live the life the children of the baby boom worked so hard to ensure would never be possible for Generation X. Also maybe a laser printer. Just in case someone does ask for a license. It should take you about 10 minutes to come up with one. Tuition is for suckers.

I Saw A Dog Bite Some Retarded Kid Today.

And quite honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean, I don't really blame the dog. The kid was one of those scary-looking grunty unstable types and the dog had to make a split second decision:

"Oh my God...oh my God.....is this a threat? What if he hurts my owner? It looks weird.....and maybe dangerous....oh my god, oh my god.....what do i do?...WHY DID IT MOVE LIKE THAT? BITE!!!!!!!!!"

I mean, generally I'm totally pro-customer abuse, especially in ways that can't be traced back to me, but the tard really can't be held responsible for being a pain in the ass. I probably would feel worse about it if he wasn't sucking a couple thousand dollars out of the Medicaid system every month for no good reason. I say that because I think he's autistic, and who's to say he's not perfectly happy in whatever world he lives in for free?

It's not like there was a lot of blood or anything. It wasn't much of a wound at all really considering Fido thought he was protecting a food source.

I think the way Mom tries to put up a fight to get brand name Celexa courtesy of the taxpayer tips the scales in favor of the dog. Not to mention I made more of a profit on the Neosporin and bandages than I ever will on his Abilify. Yeah, I think I've decided;

Good dog.

A Quickie from The World Of Big Pharma Pud Sucking.

From Drug Topics, the trade magazine any pharmacist with a respect for good writing loves to hate:

The Pharmacia and Upjohn subsidiary of Pfizer was ordered to pay $19.68 million after pleading guilty to offering kickbacks to a PBM in the expectation of obtaining improved formulary status for Pharmacia drug products.........At the plea hearing, the prosecutor argued that Pharmacia offered more than $12 million in inflated payments to a subsidiary of a PBM.

After the hearing the Federal Prosecutor held a press conference to say "We feel that by penalizing Pfizer a little bit more than the millions of dollars it was willing to spend engaging in illegal activity we are sending a loud and clear message to the entire pharmaceutical industry. Indeed, with this settlement, equal to approximately 9 hours of Pfizer's net profit for 2006, we think the federal government's position on misconduct by Corporate America is obvious for all to see."

The quote from the prosecutor is fake. The penalty being 9 hours of profit is true. The difference between the "penalty" and what Pfizer was willing to spend to bribe your insurance company works out to around 3½ hours worth of their income. The equivalent of fining me around 200 bucks.

We fucking showed you Pfizer.

The Bullshit Exposure Through Dramatization Players Explain What's Going On With Avandia In A Way Everyone Can Understand.

Sometimes the magic of theatre is a way to communicate to a person's soul unlike any other. Back by popular demand, and by "popular demand" I mean "decision of the guy who writes this blog" we, and by "we" I mean "I" ....present the return of the "Bullshit Exposure Through Dramatization Players" with their production of:

"We Need To Get Your Blood Sugar Down"

The scene, a typical small town family doctor's office. A patient is waiting.....patiently.... for the physician to return after an examination. The patient has missed the doctor the last three times the doctor has entered the room because she has been getting up to pee every 5 minutes.

Doctor: Ms. McDonalds, I've been going over the results of your tests.

Ms. McDonalds: Do you have anything to eat? I'm really hungry. Thirsty too.

Doctor: Ma'am, please, I'm afraid this is serious. You have Type 2 diabetes.

Ms. McDonalds: Oh dear, but I'm only 17 years old!

Doctor: Yes, that's why we had to change the name from "adult onset" diabetes. It has a lot to do with the Big Mac in your hand.

Ms. McDonalds: Oh my, what is my prognosis doctor?

Doctor: I'm sorry to say this, but along with other possible serious complications, diabetes will increase your chances of cardiovascular disease; heart attack, stroke, and other circulatory problems.

Ms. McDonalds: Woe is me! (said through the muffled sounds of a mouthful of french fries) Whatever could I have done to deserve such a cruel fate?

Doctor: There is hope. Diabetes can be managed through the proper use of medication. Drugs like Avandia™, which has been shown to dramatically lower a person's blood sugar while possibly increasing their risk of heart attack by 43 percent.

Ms McDonalds: Excuse me doctor, but isn't the goal of treating my diabetes to lower my risk of heart disease?

Doctor: (acting genuinely puzzled) Why, no, the goal is to lower your blood sugar.

Ms. McDonalds: Um, are there other medicines besides Avandia™ that could lower my blood sugar?

Doctor: Oh yes, several. Including one very similar to Avandia™ that hasn't been shown yet to have any cardiovascular risk. There are probably dozens of options for you. Here's your prescription for Avandia™

Ms. McDonalds: It's just that....I saw the article in The New England Journal of Medicine, and....

Doctor: Ms. Mcdonalds, I can assure you that the manufacturer of Avandia™ has said there is nothing to worry about, and if there is anyone known for their integrity and honesty, it is large pharmaceutical companies. I know personally I have never had a sales representative from a drug maker in my office who has ever tried to distort or present data in a misleading way in all my years of practicing medicine. You can trust Big Pharma far more than you can some fly by night medical magazine that isn't allowed outside of New England.

Ms. McDonalds: I see that you are a wise clinician.

The scene shifts to a large-corpo pharmacy. Ms McDonalds pulls into the drive through window.

Ms. McDonalds: The drive through is the best invention ever. Could you go get 5 boxes of Twinkies to ring up with my prescription?

Drugmonkey: No. That will be $229.95

Ms. McDonalds: My chest hurts all the sudden.

Ms. Mcdonalds hands Drugmonkey a credit card, then drops dead. Drugmonkey completes the credit transaction, then calls the non-emergency ambulance number. The stock price of GlaxoSmithKline, manufacturer of Avandia™, falls 10% in after hours trading. The world goes on.

If I Don't Get Monday Off, Then Al-Qaeda Has Won.

My employer has reached a new low. Putting pursuit of money above Jesus' birthday is one thing, but to not honor our men and women in uniform, who are more important than Jesus was on his best day, treating Memorial Day like it was ANY OTHER WORKDAY! I'm almost.....speechless. Anyone who knows me at all knows I am all about honoring the troops and the sacrifices they made so we could steal from the Indians.

We are honoring the ones who killed the Indians along with the ones who killed Nazi's, right? Or are we honoring just the ones the Indians killed? Are we honoring the Indians at all? Fuck, I can't remember. I just know I should have Monday off. I need to get to the post office to buy some 2 cent stamps so I can pay my Internet bill. Wait. The post office will be closed. Fuck.

Actually, the pursuit of money is probably the best way to honor what today's troops are fighting for. Fine, enjoy yourselves. Make sure to call me and ask what day you can have your Vicodin refilled. Fuckers.

Pic via Tom The Dancing Bug, a comic strip you should be reading every week.

I Could Be Sick, Deathly Sick.......

Not that any of you would care. Over a year's worth of high quality pharmaceutical blogging slows to a trickle and exactly ONE of you cares enough to ask what's up with the drugmonkey. I thought we had something here, me and you. I thought you cared. Lesson for me, one soon to be nurse and the woman who actually knows why the blogging is moving like molasses are the only ones who give a flip about the little 'ol pill pusher. The rest of you were just using me.

Actually the nurse didn't really ask how I was. Her message was more of a demand for me to start entertaining her again while she's studying for her boards.

Some of the brighter among you may have picked up on the phrase "woman who knows why" and figured out the rest. Lesson for you. Liberal guys get the hot chicks.....

More Fun With ONU Alumni Mailings.

Again from the latest issue of The Ampul, the alumni magazine from The Ohio Northern University College of Pharmacy, the gift that keeps on giving for drugmonkeys looking for mockable blog material:



Party Girl on the Far Right: Like, when my parents forced me to apply to pharmacy school, they thought I would be, like, getting into, like, a safe boring career and stuff. Little did they know Big Pharma would be paying us to develop a version of female viagra in 'ceutics lab!!

Nerd Girl in the Middle: Perhaps if it increases my level of horniness by over the estimated level of 15.6% I shall let down my hair and even throw off my glasses and do a type of erotic dance.

Party Girl: Um, I have no idea when you just said bookworm, just hand me that blue stuff so we can get this shit in our system before the Delt party tonight!!

Nerd Girl: Yes, the sodium xylopentamol should give us peak plasma levels by approximately 11:45 PM.

Doofus on the left: Jesus I hope this stuff works. Please God let it work.

Pharmacy Art Picture #3

One snapshot says it all about our commitment to education:


Notice how the sign isn't even on straight. I can attest to the fact that this is the state the Children's Learning Center has been in for weeks, if not months. What it symbolizes has been in this state far longer.

Times Have Changed At My Alma Mater, Or Not

From the latest issue of The Ampul, the alumni magazine from the Ohio Northern University College of Pharmacy, we have this profile of a freshman pharmacy student. I did not change the name.

Melissa Negro finds faculty accessible, early pharmacy education helpful.

Seeing professors eating lunch in the dining hall makes an important impression on freshman Melissa Negro.

"On occasion, you'll see them in the dining hall having lunch or walking through; they'll say hello and greet you by your name. I think that's incredible," she says......

......Her Profession of Pharmacy (POP) classes address topics she finds fascinating, she says. Last quarter included a general introduction into pharmacy along with a discussion on HIPAA, the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, with a focus on security and privacy of customer health information.

Putting aside the utter........bizarreness......that there is a soul on this planet that finds the fine print of the privacy notice tucked into your prescription bag the slightest bit....fascinating, I'll just say that it's good that Negros are finally getting some respect at ONU. Back when I was a young Drugmonkey there, people didn't seem to like Negros very much at all. You should have heard the way they talked about the Negros when they were sure that there weren't any Negros around, which was pretty much all the time, as I only remember one Negro at the ONU college of pharmacy when I was there. She was really quiet, and usually sat in the back of the class, although I'm pretty sure she wasn't forced to. Anyway, evidently times have changed at ONU, and so have the Negros. Here's a picture of the young Negro featured in the Ampul:


I don't remember the Negro at ONU looking anything like this when I was there.

Perhaps things haven't changed.

Goddamn It Troops, Leave Me Alone.

I saw the woman hobbling up to the pharmacy from the second she came in the front door. The "clack clack" of her crutches getting closer and closer as her face came into focus with that unmistakable look that said a question was coming my way. Fortunately it was a slow part of the day, meaning she was able to ask that question, and I was able to answer and explain things and talk a bit. The kind of thing that professors in pharmacy schools pretend happens all the time. In reality it's like once a month.

The question had to do with her knee. She had had some sort of big-time repair done on it and said since that her calves felt "tingly"

"Like when your leg falls asleep?" Asked the Drugmonkey

"More like a creepy-crawly kinda thing. Thing is, I just saw my massage therapist who worked on my feet, and this is the best my calves have felt since the operation."

"Is the problem in both legs, or just the one that was operated on?"

This went on for awhile, and we eventually decided that a foot massager thing for sale on the nearest end cap might be worth a shot. She really did seem thrilled to have someones attention.

"I don't want to take up any more of your time, but I also have MS, menstrual syndrome, and there are like 5 different kinds of Midol out there....."

There really are a shitload of products carrying the Midol name these days. Like being a woman isn't hard enough.

When she said "I feel like I'm blessed to have come in here today" I thought that was a little over the top, but figured maybe she was just used to the kind of crap service Walgreens specializes in. It was when she said something about her knee being a souvenir from Iraq that I realized; she was one of George's kids. The crap service she was used to wasn't from The Pharmacy America goes to when they are too lazy to get out of their car, but from places like Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

That crisp, can-do spirit that comes from your soul no longer being your own should have been a tip off, but I had been tricked into yet again supporting the troops I don't support. Dammit you troops are tricky. I do have to ask you though, is there some reason you keep coming to me, as opposed to the people who so bravely commit themselves to your support through commenting on how important you are and sticking a magnet on their car?

I swear if I become known as the go-to pharmacy guy for the local military community I will kill myself. Keep an eye on twitter.