Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A Solution To The Health Care Crisis For One Lucky Lady.

"So I might have to get married" the customer concluded. Fortunately she was only talking to me, and not about me. She's a nice enough lady, but not really my type. Not to mention she's newly pregnant, and newly without insurance she was unable to afford despite being the owner of a small business that provided her with too much income for state assistance. All she knew was that in 9 months there were gonna be some monster hospital bills coming her way and she would have no way to pay them. Marrying the sperm donor seemed to be the only viable solution.

Nothing like building a lifetime commitment on a strong foundation of love.

The conversation got me to thinking though. I mean, I have a great health insurance plan. It's through a union by the way, and those two facts are not a coincidence. So what if she had been my type? I totally could have been the solution to her problems. Might there be other, possibly hot, women in similar circumstances? If so, and you're one of them, I figure I could be your health insurance sugar daddy. Hell, if you've got kids, I could even lift them out of the ranks of the uninsured as well, although we'd have to negotiate some sort of arrangement to keep the little yard apes away from me.

There would be other things to negotiate as well. A rock solid prenup that ensures you get nothing besides my insurance card. But don't get any ideas this marriage won't be consummated. I assure you, you will definitely be consummating your way to good health.

On the other hand though, if someone is desperate for health insurance, what are the chances they'll be hot? If they're looking for healthcare and not carrying the seed of another man, they're probably all diabetic and stuff, and I have yet to see a hot diabetic. Maybe there's someone out there looking for coverage before a breast-enhancement operation or something. I'm pretty sure my plan covers that. Like I said, the union takes care of me.

And I, just might, take care of you. If you want it bad enough. And are hot. I figure by providing insurance to a hot person I will not only be helping to solve one of the great social problems of our time, I will be helping to beautify the planet as well. Kind of a Darwinian thing.

So if you're interested, come up with a stimulus package and forward your application to the e-mail address on the right of this page. You just might qualify for a bailout. Your odds are definitely better than scoring any kind of help under the proposal Republicans have put forth.

Good luck.


Anonymous said...

o drugmonkey. this is why i <3 you

Nate said...

I've seen some hot Diabetics, but they are always type 1.

Banging plan, too bad I;m already married

Anonymous said...

halle berry is diabetic. i think she's hot.

Bonnie said...

Well, she could always have an abortion. Problem solved, no hospital bills, no need for a sugar daddy.

Basiorana said...

I know a girl who is very hot and found out she had bad endometriosis, so she married a friend of hers. They're planning on divorcing once she's out of school and has her own health insurance, or if either of them meets someone they want to settle down with. It's really just a friend thing, they still date other people and don't even live together (she lives on campus, he lives a couple towns away). She jokes about how she's married all the time, even though NO ONE considers them married except the insurance company. It does happen, all the time.

Ah, the sanctity of marriage. We must protect the sacred act of marrying your friend to acquire their insurance despite dating other people, never consummating it, and not living together!

Bonnie, abortions run between $500 and $1,000 for first trimester, so while it's cheaper, it's still a hefty bill.

Anonymous said...

The hottest woman I have ever seen was a type 1 diabetic from Maryland, visiting in Birmingham, AL.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I'll give you a stimulus package...

What? Someone had to say it.

Nancy said...

Put me through pharmacy school and I'll marry you, sure.

I already have health insurance.

ThatDeborahGirl said...

I'd apply- I think you're the cat's pajamas even without health care (which I need and would be welcome plus), but you like the outdoors too much. All that camping is daunting.

Besides, I'm merely sexy, not "hot" in the way I think you mean. But there will always be a corner of my heart open for you, my darling drugmonkey.

Anonymous said...

Someone has to say it: that's f'd up. Then again, you should put up personal ads for Republicans. And Joe Lieberman. I'm sure they'd offer you their health insurance... if you're hot.

Meg said...

Consumate my way to better health? Count me in!

Fortunantly the biggest (ok, the only) perk of being a fighting-tooth-and-nail-for-goddamn-tenure faculty member at a big univ is great healthcare. They even pay for my massage therapist. Maybe I ought to be helping the cause and find some moderatly attractive and crazy smart uninsured man to marry?

The Alert Reader said...

She's in your preferred age range (i.e. cougar), she lives in California, and she really needs insurance.

And I think you'd probably find her pretty attractive. I prefer more exotic features, but she's not bad by any means.

Katie Schwartz said...

Why haven't you proposed to me? I want to be an insurance bride. You'd marry an el' bitty before me?!


This is a kick ass post. As I tweeted in my personal ad "I am looking for a husband with great insurance. I don't cook. I don't clean. I can suck your insurance policy dry like nobody's buisness."

I miss you. You don't call. (neither do I). You don't write. (neither do I). We need to be more in touch.


Romius T. said...

DM: With all the hits this site gets you'd think at least one of them would have offered up an online ap with pics of their hottness. P>S> do boys count? Just got a haircut and I am lookn hot, not that I'm bi or gay or even that curious but I hate picking out my own doctor (from my union provided plan) either way can I join in the app getting fun? Send lesser hotties to me as my plan is not as good as your i bet, but im still willing to give a cute girl modest coverage for holding my hand in public!