Monday, November 23, 2009

Damn You Cincinnati Bengals.

It started with a headline text-messaged to my phone from The Onion, America's Finest News Source:

Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good


I was stunned. Could it be? Not the uniforms not looking stupid. The Bengals' uniforms are totally the gayest in a sports league whose whole premise is not being able to admit you're gay.

Tight end? Wide receiver? I rest my case.

But....the Bengals....could they be.......good? I didn't want to check. I had to check. My world may have been completely upended without my knowledge in the years since I grew up and stopped following sports.

Watching the Bengals every week was one of the last sporting rituals I held onto. For no other reason than they were so goddamn entertaining. It was so cute how they would go out on the field with the real teams and get pummeled, just pummeled, and then pretend like everything was really just fine.

"Well I know we had a rough year, but we do have the first round draft pick, and we're confident Ki-Jana Carter will provide just the spark we need to get back on the winning path"

The Bengals I knew sucked. Totally, completely, thoroughly sucked. They had to be the worst sports franchise of the 90's, and you could make an argument that the Clinton-era Bengals were the worst sports team ever. And everyone knew it, except for the man who owned the Bengals, Mike Brown. He seriously seemed to believe his own bullshit and I seriously think he thought himself a great football man. It was awesome. At the time I was working for a grocery store chain that was slowly going bankrupt. And everyone knew it except for the CEO of the company:

"Well I know we had a rough year, but we're confident that our new 200% produce freshness guarantee will provide just the spark we need to return to profitability"

Ki-Jana Carter tore his anterior cruciate ligament the third time he ever touched a football as a professional, and people soon realized they could turn a profit at our grocery chain by buying produce and then claiming it was not fresh. I grew to feel as if I were actually a Bengal myself, that somehow it was part of the rhythm of nature that if the Bengals ever happened to enter the fourth quarter of a game having scored more points than their opponent, you could rest assured that something like a deflected forward pass off the intended receivers hands and into those of a member of the other team, a fumbled snap from center to quarterback, or a string of penalties would ensure they would not have the lead when the game ended.

They always kept trying though, kinda like the way I kept trying to do the things at work that they told me I would be doing in pharmacy school. The Bengals would mount an impressive drive for awhile and then miss a field goal. I would catch a drug interaction and then the alternative would require a prior authorization. Once or twice a year though, bless their little hearts, the Bengals would manage to score more points than their opponents, just like how once or twice a year I would actually have a chance to provide pharmaceutical-based help to one of my customers. Every once in awhile me and the Cincinnati Bengals would win one. I almost sewed tiger stripes onto my lab coat.

But now.....that metaphor of my life, the Cincinnati Bengals, are in first place in their division. I had to check. They have moved on.

Or maybe things are just looking up for me.....

10 comments:

JohnnyB said...

Fumbles - missed field goal - string of penalties - you were watching the most recent Bengal's game.
As for going long -er : http://backporch.fanhouse.com/2009/11/23/chad-ochocinco-condoms-no-85-has-you-covered/?icid=main|aim|dl1|link5|http%3A%2F%2Fbackporch.fanhouse.com%2F2009%2F11%2F23%2Fchad-ochocinco-condoms-no-85-has-you-covered%2F

Anonymous said...

My boss was in business for himself in the past. He could not afford health insurance. When his Korean wife got cancer he went to the state to asked for help. The bottom line "if she was illegal we could help you" His wife died.
Today Obama is going to make health insurance affordable for these small business owners. Why are the conservatives opposed to this?

Steelerfan said...

never mess with the towel.. myron will kickyour ass every time.

bet those fans who burned the towel dont think they are so hot now

Frank, CPhT said...

Just because the Bengals are doing good this year, doesn't change the fact that the team sucks. I am attributing all that they have done thus far to the other teams feeling sorry for them.

But then again, this Cincinnati boy never did care much for football, so what the hell do I know?

midwest woman said...

They might have sucked and I don't have a clue about their uniforms but at least they had a decent animal name. Suffered with the St. Louis Cardinals till Bill Bidwell inflicted them on Arizona. Maybe they needed a change of climate..they actually win now. Anyhoo,who names a football team after a bird???

ThatDeborahGirl said...

Yep, the Bengals are sizzling this season despite last week's loss to the Raiders. Every year, since the advent of Marvin Lewis, I watch and my hopes for them have always been dashed, but this year has been great and I hope they go all the way.

Here's to rooting for the home team! WHO DEY!

woolywoman said...

The worst? OH, NO, The LIONS were the worst ( are the worst, will be the worst, now and for'ver, amen.)

Anonymous said...

Try rooting for Buffalo since before the Bengals beat their monkey ass in the '88 AFC championship game. I still see the "Ickey Shuffle" in my nightmares. Rooting for the Bills is alot like talking to a MEDCO representative - it takes a good portion of your Sunday without any tangible results.

Anonymous said...

Thank you anonymous 11:35pm. The Bills are, hands down, the worst team ever. I actively root against them and it physically hurt me to see them beat Miami this week. We always say the Buffalo Bills are recruiting heavily from the local Little Loop teams.

Scarendipity said...

You know monkey, I think you just described my entire life of cheering for the Browns... that OTHER Ohio team. Every season we are hopeful that this year we wont suck, and over the months as the temps drop, so do our spirits. (Until a couple weeks ago when the Browns beat the Steelers!!!!) Colors were more vibrant and the air a little fresher.