Highlights From Friday's Pill Counting Action.

The Assistant Manager was wearing a mask. Her eyes are hyperthyroidic and look like they are the only potential release valve for an enormous amount of pressure that is building up inside her head. You notice that more when she's wearing a mask that covers up the bottom two-thirds of her face, the way she was today. For most people I bet it would be kind of a scary thing to witness upon entering a drugstore, but having had a ringside seat to her neck brace phase that made her look like the Bride of Frankenstein, I was able to take it in stride. I almost forgot to ask her what the deal was.

"Oh I had a little cough when I woke up this morning." Was the entirety of her reply. So she was doing it for us. For our protection. We showed our gratitude by laughing behind her back.

"Hey Drugmonkey, you should tell her that touching that mask with her bare hands will only contaminate it, and she really needs to wear some gloves. Let's see if we can get her in a complete biohazard suit by the end of the day. " I thought about it, but was soon distracted by another of my fellow corpo-slaves:

"I'm so happy!!!!" said the fabulously gay cashier. "I won $150 in a strip off last night!!! I was kinda drunk and the next thing I know I was up on a stage and everyone was cheering!!"

Then we unlocked the door and let the real freaks in.

The first customer handed me a bottle of Lipitor with no refills. "Oh, well I guess I don't need anymore then." I tried to tell him he did. Really, I tried, but he walked out the door with his empty bottle and no intention of having it filled ever again. Sometimes all you try to do with your customers is keep them from hurting themselves, and sometimes you fail.

The label printer jammed and mysteriously started working when I reached out to touch it. All I had to do was kinda point at it. I heard a small child scream from the direction of the ice cream counter and could only assume the assistant manager was taking a turn manning the scoops.

I looked down the first aid aisle and saw a middle aged fat man sitting on the floor. Just sitting and staring. Looking in the direction of the ACE bandages, but not really at them. It was more like he was meditating. He would remain there for 3 hours.

Unfortunately I made eye contact with another customer while witnessing the spiritual experience. Customers take direct eye contact as in invitation to make a beeline towards you and unload whatever is on their mind at the moment, almost like a confession. The lady brought up three cold packs and asked which one would be best for a knee injury. I picked the one in the middle of the price range, for no other reason than picking the cheapest or most expensive would have been obvious. I don't follow your rules man.

The screen on the cash register went blank and I just kinda tapped it. It started to work just fine.

A man in a hockey jersey asked me about over the counter dental repair kits. I wonder if he deliberately picked out his shirt to go with his broken front tooth. It really did make him just kinda blend in.

One of my technicians started complaining about a customers copay of $1.10, evidently feeling it too low for someone living off the public dole. "Why doesn't she work?"

The customer in question was in the waiting area picking her nose and spilling ice cream on the front of her blouse. I think she got some of her own snot in the ice cream as she attempted to clean up.

"Would you hire her?" That was the end of that discussion. Her next claim got stuck in the computing process until I came over. By now I was getting kinda cocky. I just kinda waved my hand over the screen and sure enough, a paid claim was the immediate result.

You see my friends, I realized this day that I have become a Pharmacy Jesus. Performing miracles and defending the poor. I've even written a kind of pharmacy bible here with this blog. All I need me now are some disciples. Except I'm not interested in a pack of dudes who want to be fishers of men. I don't swing that way like the first Jesus evidently did. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but Pharmacy Jesus has an appreciation for the ladies.

And a good single malt. I'm going to disinfect my insides with some now in order to get through the coming H1N1 epidemic. And maybe start wearing a mask.