Tuesday, September 01, 2009

The Week Of The Bill Monning Pill Counting Action Chronicles Begins.

So I wasn't sure what to do with this guy. Last time he was in the store he told me all about how he was starting a company where he "would be hiring all sorts of pharmacists and techs" and offered me a job. That wasn't the problem, although I did just condense into one sentence what took him a good twenty minutes to say.

The time before that he told me how he was going off to Bermuda for a modeling job. The time before that how creepy it was to wake up in a mental hospital "full of the really crazy people" You have an idea of the problem now. He was a regular customer, and I had no idea how one would distinguish him from the really crazy people.

Except this time he was asking me about peanut allergies. He told me he was deathly allergic to peanuts and he had just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. He asked me what he should do.

"Well if you're as allergic as you say you are you're gonna have to go to the ER" I said. It was the correct answer. "Deathly allergic" he did say. And even though I knew damn well he wasn't, it was the answer to his question.

Holy shit the look on his face was priceless. And the way he sprinted out of the store. Who knew anaphalaxis was the key to a personal best time in the 100 meters.

Lesson to you dear customer. I am only as good as the questions I am asked.

About an hour later I hear, "So what is this medicine for?"

Sweet. If I am only as good as the questions I am asked, It was now time for me to shine baby.

"To treat high cholesterol" Fuck yeah. Mr. Pharmacist. Answering pharmacist questions. Hear me roar.

"Why would my doctor give me a medicine for high cholesterol?" My roaring stopped and I went right back into "what do I do with this guy?" mode. I didn't want to be a smart ass. Honest I didn't, but I am only as good as the questions I am asked.

"Because he thinks your cholesterol is too high"

My reward was a stone-faced death glare. Who knew elevated cholesterol was the key to total muscle and cerebral paralysis.

Headed into the homestretch of the workday now I was:

"Can I get a refill?"

"Sure, what's your name?"

"Oops, oh no"

Guy's Mom hated him I guess. Or named him after what was said after the condom broke.

"I have a question" Time to get it up again.

"It says here to take four times a day, but it would be more natural for me to take it three, so that's what I should do, right?"

They say everything is negotiable, including now, evidently, the half life of Penicillin.

But not my quitting time. That is never negotiable. I slammed the gate down after that one, woofed down a sub to keep from starving to death, and made a beeline home to commemorate this day with a tumbler of scotch.

And a peanut. This day definitely deserves to be remembered with a peanut.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Drugmonkey,
Something that I've noticed is that you don't blog about crackheads. I'd like to hear the funniest story that one has ever told you in order to get their Lortabs, Soma, Xanax, etc. filled early.

Mine only include falling off of a mountain in Florida and going on vacation where there isn't a pharmacy within 60 miles (a.k.a. Mars). Let's hear what you've got.
Thanks,
Erin, Pharmacy Intern

Anonymous said...

Erin- He doesn't want to give us ideas!

But yeah, I second that suggestion.

Give us your best, DM. I'm lookin' forward to this week. Man, I need a life...

Anonymous said...

Personally, I don't think the absurd crackhead stories are that entertaining (funny). (I don't get my kicks watching bugs writhe after spraying them with isopropyl alcohol either.) Crackheads are just pathetically stupid people attempting to get away with something they don't think we know anything about.

In the beginning of your hospital pharmacy career you only meet one mean-looking EMT nastily inquiring about his 4 bottles of Codimal DH, and whether you can order him some monochlorethane because he's going on a fishing trip with kids and wants to anticipate fishhook impalement, and then you know you really don't want anything to do with jerks.

Some pharmacist back east was taped on hidden camera about a month or so ago explaining to the Good Morning America medical guru about how he 'just knew' who the shysters were trying to get away with narcotic scams e.g. refills too early, doctor shopping, etc., and the TV show seemed to make it patently obvious to viewers that we pharmacists cannot know by merely looking at the patient/customer.

Picking up a fake 'office nurse' IVR (message machine) phone call for a controlled substances is actually much more easy to 'spot' than making eye-to-eye contact.

These buggers tend to think that we pharmacists will comply with their demand if they raise a ruckus, but that's where store security steps in so handily, especially if adequately staffed. (Sometimes these folks' plunder depends on their sense of timing.) Whatever the sad story, just go away and leave me alone.