"Rite Aid has always been known for low prices every day" said CEO Mary Sammons with a straight face. "But with the phenomenal success of our stock discount program, we've taken a big step towards making corporate ownership, not just shampoo and medicine, affordable for everyone."
In East Los Angeles, José Lopez is using the Rite Aid program to help him take his shot at the American Dream.
"When I first came to this country, I only hoped to find work so I could send some money home to my Mother and cousin" said Lopez, a day laborer and part time landscaper found most mornings outside the Home Depot on Wilshire Blvd. "Now, with what I earn at the end of most days I can buy part of this giant drugstore. I hope someday to own enough of it to be given a golden parachute like the businessmen I hear about on TV. "
As of Friday, Lopez held a 15% stake in the company.
Morgan Stanley analyst Barney Weismann said that unlike the products sold in its stores, shares of Rite Aid Stock really are cheap.
"They certainly were ahead of the curve in aggressively driving down the price of their stock" said Weismann. "The idea has really caught on of late, not only in the drugstore industry but across the entire business world. Rite Aid took the lead in discount stock pricing, and no one has really managed to catch up."
"Catch up and stay in business" he quickly added.
The program suffered a major setback last month when Rite Aid shares were pulled from the shelves of several major dollar store chains as being "too cheap for even us to sell," nevertheless, Ms. Sammons extolled the virtues of value stock pricing.
"I think it's an opportunity anyone who still has any money left should take advantage of" said Sammons, her voice slightly quivering. "Please....I'm begging you...take advantage.....before it's too late."
Sammons then started to weep softly.
Disclaimer- Everything in this post is made up, except for the incredibly low price of Rite Aid stock, which closed at 55 cents a share on Friday.
5 comments:
HEY someone else who reads this blog has had sex with Jesus!
I feel used.
I was about to ask if this came from The Onion...
i am a slave to said corpo-pharma and i couldn't have said it better myself.
ive been hearing whisperings of another buyout (you didn't hear this from me) but when i asked the DPM his reply was "don't be silly, usually corporations buy successful businesses..."
priceless
heh. I used to work for RAD, back when they were successful (i.e. before they tried to buy PCS) and one of our RPhs used to check the stock price daily and chortle to herself how much money she made. This was when the stock was around $50 a share. Then some notes came due that they didn't have the cash to pay for, and it tanked: by the time I quit it was down to $4, and I was thankful that I never bought into the employee stock purchase plan. Subsequently it went down to $2. I had no idea it was *that far* down, though. 55 cents ... sheesh. I'd buy some now, but I'm afraid it might go even further into the toilet.
I work for wrong aid and we laugh about how low our stock is. I don't know if this is true chain-wide, but all the old eckerds/ new rite-aids in our district got massive cuts in pharmacy hours as well as tech hours. And yeah, our product prices are grossly overpriced. Even with my employee discount it would still be cheaper to get things from a nearby competitor. Inside info (helps to know some accountants) is that our store in particular will either go to Wegmans or Target and be a free standing pharmacy. Maybe they will pay more than minimum wage for their techs.
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