Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Niche Pharmacy That Will Make Me Rich Part 2. The Drugstore Of Darkness.

I'm having second thoughts about the Elvis Pharmacy. Copyright and trademark issues are sure to be a problem, and frankly, I think it would require a lot of movement on my part. I'm not a big fan of movement right now. I just spent the last 5 minutes staring at a bug climbing up the wall. I'm sure that's not a good sign. My cat spooky just ate the bug. I have a new idea for the pharmacy of the future:

You walk through the door and into the darkness. A spring on the door ensures that it shuts quickly behind you, minimizing your exposure to any light other than the solitary candle I have lit on the counter. I am dressed in black. The walls are black. You are my regular customer only because Walgreen's takes an hour to fill your prescription and all you care about is getting it in 5 minutes. You lay the order on the counter.

"Levaquin" I say in a tone distracted and distant. "Of course I will help you, but of course you know the Levaquin will only delay the inevitable. Life itself is a futile event my friend. Yet we struggle on"

As I turn away to fill your prescription you notice the one picture on the wall. It is of Homer Plessy

Miles Davis' "Kind Of Blue" forms an oddly synergistic auditory compliment to the sound of your prescription label being printed. I seemly emerge out of nowhere to tell you your cure is ready. You ask only why your co-pay is so high.

"Why is anything?" I say. "Why is anything............" my voice tails off as the cash register spits out your credit card approval.

"Enjoy your gift." I say softly as you make your way to the door. As the light of day blinds you while you step back onto the street you think you hear me say......

"Enjoy your struggle. It's the only one you'll get"

Yeah. I'll be totally fucking rich with this idea. Beats the crap out of all the happy pie in the sky bullshit every other drugstore is shining up your ass.

Fuck this guy.

Fuck her too.

If nothing else my drugstore of darkness will leave me far more emotionally satisfied. I'm going back to staring at the wall now.


minja said...


First again. This is getting sad.

I'm not going to comment on the next 5 posts.

How will you be able to make sure you're grabbing the right bottle off the shelf?

DrugMonkey, Master of Pharmacy said...


What is the right bottle? Who is to say?

Actually, the State Board. So the candle will follow me always. Leaving you in darkness. To ponder.

minja said...

After pondering in the darkness, I decided that I can comment on this post as much as I want while I avoid the next five..

I also decided that you're going to end up like the creatures in The Descent, which you haven't watched. (watching a trailer on YouTube will suffice this time, no need to rent it next weekend)

Your eyes will become arbitrary and you'll be able to sniff out excipients and dyes and whatnot, so you might not even need the candle.

I'm all for it.. anything to keep people away from The Pharmacy America Trusts

adrizen said...

Who are these folks?

lily said...


please don't have a "scented" candle.

i have chemical sensitivities.

and fibromyalgia

and restless leg

and chronic fatigue.

sickofstupidpeople said...

Ahhh, a goth pharmacy! I love it.

Charlie said...

If a cash customer came in, would you melt?

RxForDisaster said...

hahahahaha i like it

"what's with you today?"
-"what's with today, today?"

Jason said...

This idea gives me a pharmacy erection. I'm so there... Hydrocodone, Carisoprodol, a bottle of Scotch, and all the merriment possible...

sabellak said...

Can I moonlight for you?

Seriously, my students consider me the goth faculty member. I'd be all about filling by candlelight while wearing black.

Jason said...

Your need an androgynous male pharmacy technician to help you, and then you'd be right on the money with the goth pharmacy! I know some people. If you want a list, just let me know!