I Really Don't Want To Blow My Back Door Santa Wad Tonight.

It's still early in the season, and it just doesn't feel right yet. I think the time for Back Door Santa is yet to come.

I suppose I should probably explain.

Back in the carefree days when presidents struggled to define the word "is" and not the word "torture," I found an old vinyl copy of "A Very Special Christmas", an album put together to benefit a charity of some sort, at my favorite thrift shop. I bought it for only one reason, the prospect of hearing Jon Bon Jovi sing a song called "Back Door Santa." The thought of Jon Bon Jovi as a Back Door Santa was frighteningly alluring.

Jon did not disappoint. The tune is delightfully horrible. It's an old Blues number redone in 80's hairband excess, right down to the piped-in fake crowd noise. Every time I hear the opening power keyboard riff, I never fail to laugh non-stop for a good four minutes. It's unintentionally hilarious, which is the worst way to suck.....if you're a band. Jon sounds like he's taking himself so seriously in the song, I honestly wonder if he knew how the words "Back Door Santa" could be interpreted, and that at the time he totally looked like a girl. He still kinda does.

At any rate, "Back Door Santa" became a holiday tradition around the Drugmonkey household. It started with a girlfriend who would only consent to listen to the song one time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Naturally, I would try to pick the time that would produce maximum annoyance, which is probably part of the reason she is now an ex-girlfriend. She's long gone, but the tradition of the once-annual playing of Back Door Santa remains. Yes, I could listen to Back Door Santa whenever I want to now, but that would be like eating turkey every day. The holidays should stand for something dammit.

So anyway, today I realized we are now in the post-Thanksgiving period, and I really wanted to fire up the turntable. Part of me though, felt like the time wasn't quite right. I'm thinking there will be a better time for Back Door Santa, although I cannot tell you when that might be. My gut is telling me to hold off for now.

I just did a google image search. Jon Bon Jovi still totally looks like a girl

Words I Never Thought I Would Write. I Agree With The Actions Of A Political Appointee Of The Bush Administration.

I feel confused. Disoriented. Like the life force that provides certainty for the universe has been altered. I fear the very nature of time/space may never be the same again.

It all started simply enough. An AP wire story about the latest shenanigans of Big Pharma:

WASHINGTON (AP) - Legislation aimed at speeding the availability of cheaper generic drugs has stalled in Congress in the face of major lobbying by the drug industry.

The Senate bill would ban most settlements known as "reverse payments," in which a brand-name company pays a generic manufacturer to delay the introduction of the generic drug.

Allow me to bring out the "Bullshit Exposure Through Dramitization Players" to illustrate what's happening here.

Generic Drugmakers: Oh Big Pharma, can't we just get along? Why, when your patent runs out for a medicine, must we sue each other for years instead of competing in the marketplace? Can't we just play by the rules and both earn a legitimate profit?

Big Pharma: There, there little guy. You think our lawyers are mean when they sue each other, but really they are doing us both a favor. Yes, you could make a billion dollars selling a generic version of our drug for 70% less than what we charge, but that would involve you actually doing work. When we sue each other, we can settle, and I can pay you three quarters of a billion dollars to do nothing. We both win.

Generic Drugmakers: But what about the American people, who will continue to have to pay whatever you want to charge for access to this medicine?

(30 seconds of silence)

Big Pharma: Here's a big check.

Generic Drugmakers: You are wise and just Big Pharma.

Ho-hum. Big Pharma acting like corporate asses to the determent of the American consumer. What else is new? Hang with me though, here's where we start to go through the looking glass:

The Federal Trade Commission, which has called on Congress to take action, says such settlements could cost American consumers billions of dollars.

Federal Trade Commission? That's the executive branch. The branch headed by......doing something against the interests of Big .......nnnnnnaaaawwwww.....

I double checked.

The FTC has called on Congress to pass legislation to crack down on the reverse payment settlements, although it hasn't endorsed any specific bill.

"Such settlements restrict competition at the expense of consumers, whose access to lower-priced generic drugs is delayed, sometimes for many years," FTC Chairwoman Deborah Platt Majoras said in testimony before a House task force in September.

Deborah Platt Majoras is most assuredly an appointee of George The Lessor. And hot enough that I would probably do her if I were a little more drunk than I am right now. There has to be an explanation for this presidential appointee taking a stand in favor of the people of this country. Here are my best theories:

1) Deborah Platt Majoras showed up at FTC headquarters, read their mission statement, and didn't realize it was bullshit. Since her job doesn't involve blowing anything up or killing anyone, no one else in the administration really notices anything she does.

2) Generic drug manufacturers have agreed to use part of their profits to finance the war in Iraq.

3) I am on acid.

Only time will tell I suppose. I vote for #2, although I cannot completely rule out #3.

Tomorrow I shall look to the west to anticipate the sunrise.

The Ten Millionth Sign I Have Seen Of The Impending Collapse Of Civilization......This Month.

"Thank you for calling corpo-pharmacy, may I help you?"

"Yes.....I was just at the counter, and I realized I forgot to say thank you"

I remembered seeing my keystone tech wait on this woman 5 minutes ago. The reason she didn't say thank you.....or anything else..... to the real people in her world was that she was busy chatting on her cellphone.

She still was. I looked up and saw that she was calling from the other side of the store.

It's Either Hate Mail Or A Proposition For Hot Sweaty Hate Sex, I'm Not Sure Which.

I think you keep deleting my comments. I'm the one who told you to eat shit. Did it taste good?

Just to clarify, everyone thought I was male. I'm female. 5'10", auburn hair, blue eyes and fucking gorgeous. I have absolutely NO PharmD degree, but I do have a master's degree in a different area.

Why do you delete me, Drug Nazi? Feel bad now that you know I'm a woman? And probably one you'd want to fuck?

I'll send you my blog with pics if you publish this.

OK, Consider it published.....

I guess......I'm flattered?...that someone so badly wants to be part of my little blog garden. I wonder if I can get naked pics if I put it in the "Highlights From The Archive" section.

The scotch may have kicked in tonight earlier than usual. And I promised you guys my next post would be sober.....

Drugmonkey Radio Is Back, Not That Any Of You Missed Drugmonkey Radio

Technical problems have beset my effort to embed a playlist into the blog for the last few weeks. I was using a site called tunefeed.com and it just quit working for some reason. It made me sad, but I received exactly zero comments about this from anyone. I don't care. I want a playlist, and it's my blog. I found another site, projectplaylist.com, and everything seems to be working well.

So I know you don't come here for the music, but you really should at least listen to the first song on the list. It is the perfect theme song for my little blog garden.

Actually you should listen to the second song too. I wrote earlier about how it's the tune I listen to most days on the way to work. If you work in retail pharmacy you'll understand why.

Come to think of it, I think you should also listen to the third song. Last year I wrote about Whoo Guy. I love Whoo Guy, and now you can hear him for yourself. He comes on at about the 50 second mark.

Really you should listen to all the songs. I did pick them out just for you. And for me to listen to while I clean the bathroom. My computer is within easy earshot of the bathroom.

I promise I'll write my next post while I'm sober.

After Roughly 400 Years, I Think The Lesson Of Thanksgiving Is Crystal Clear.

If strange white people come wandering into your neighborhood, kill them. That is the lesson of Thanksgiving. I seriously don't think you can make a case that the Indians wouldn't have been better off if they had just killed the Pilgrims. Or let them starve.

Same way with Louis and Clark. Indians totally should have just killed those honkies.

Remember the lesson of Thanksgiving always.

Do Me A Favor. Print Out The Article I Link To Here And Shove It Down The Throat Of The Next Merck Or Schering Rep That Sets Foot In Your Store.

This wasn't supposed to happen anymore.

After Glaxo Smith Kline got busted for withholding studies that suggested Paxil may increase the risk of suicide in children, Big Pharma promised to be good. "We have learned our lesson" they metaphorically said. "And we are so ashamed of what we have done to the good name of science we shall not oppose mandating that we put all our clinical trials in a database searchable by anyone. All our data shall be absolutely transparent from this day forward"

"Don't worry about including any penalties in this mandate though, because we will be forever good and pure."

Well today we have this, From The New York Times:

Nearly two years after (the makers of cholesterol lowering drugs Zetia and Vytorin,) Merck and Schering-Plough completed a clinical trial of the drugs, they still have not released the findings. The delay has led to a growing chorus of complaints from cardiologists. And yesterday, the companies responded by promising to publish a portion of the results next March — but not the entire set of data.

Doctors say that decision is highly unusual and will do little to quell concerns about the trial, as well as broader questions about the effectiveness of the drugs.

"BBBBWWWAAAHHHHAAAHAHHAAAAHHAAAHHAAAAAA!!!!!!! SSSSSUUUCCKKKEERRRRR!!!!!!! WE NEVER SAID WHEN WE'D RELEASE ANYTHING TO YOUR LITTLE DATABASE!" That is my interpretation of an actual quote you would get from a Big Pharma executive under the influence of truth serum.

Wait. That was just the opening act. There's more:

Of particular concern in this case is that Merck and Schering-Plough said yesterday that they had changed the trial’s “primary endpoint” — the main medical result being measured. The companies now say that they will use only partial results to assess the trial’s success in deterring the formation of plaque that can cause artery blockages and lead to heart attacks.

The companies had said they would measure the thickness of plaque in two arteries — the carotid, which runs through the neck and supplies the brain with blood, and the femoral, which runs through the hips and supplies the legs. The primary endpoint of the trial was supposed to be the amount of plaque at three points in the carotid artery.

But the companies said yesterday that they had changed the primary endpoint to measuring thickness at just one place in the carotid. And they do not expect to release any results at all from the femoral artery.

Let me make sure we all understand what's happened here. Merck and Schering started a study, and once the data started rolling in, they decided to change the definition of what they were looking for. Why would they do this? Here's a guess. The data wasn't going to give the result Merck and Schering wanted. Of course I have no way of knowing this, but ask yourself what Merck and Schering would be doing if they were looking at numbers that suggested Zetia and/or Vytorin were clearly lowering heart disease risk more than any other therapy. They'd have an ex-college cheerleader sales rep in every doctor's office in the country waving those numbers in front of their cleavage, that's what they'd be doing.

Here's my favorite part. Even though a source in the Times article is quoted as saying this type of action "sounds highly unusual to me" Merck/Schering says it's OK because:

A panel of outside scientists recommended the change last Friday, said Lee Davies, a spokesman for Schering. Mr. Davies declined to disclose the members of the panel.

So........a panel that for all we know could consist of Santa Claus, The Unabomber, and the president of The National Association for The Promotion of Heart Attacks says it's OK to make a "highly unusual" move......and we're supposed to feel better about that? Sigh. How the fuck stupid do they think we are?

Dear Merck/Schering.

Your bullshit has been called. Please remove your head from your ass and do the right thing.

Sincerely,

Drugmonkey, Master of Pharmacy.

My Boy Crush On Michael Moore Has Convinced Me I Need To Have Sex With A Jew.

I am a bit of a Michael Moore groupie. That is no surprise to most of you. What might surprise you is that it's taken me this long to track down "Blood In The Face." a documentary Mike did some work on early in his career that features his first cinematic moment of note, the interview with the hot nazi chick:




"You don't look like a typical Nazi" Mike tells the woman, who is obviously flattered.

At any rate, the film is a look into the world of white supremacist whack jobs. A few minutes in, one of the whack jobs is ranting about Filipinos. This reminded me of the most beautiful woman one of the most beautiful women I ever had the privilege of nailing. That woman's skin felt like velvet and I will never forget it. She was a Filipina, and I still miss her sometimes, even though she was a whack job herself in a different sort of way.

Then one of the Nazi whack jobs starts ranting about mixed-race women. I once was nail-buddies with a woman whose hair would put goosebumps on the skin of any heterosexual male or lesbian. She was absolutely gorgeous and she was half black/half white. Sadly, the nail-buddy experience is now part of my personal history book. Sigh.

The people in the movie spent most of their time ranting about Jews though. Wow they really didn't like Jewish people. Now I have to be honest, I don't think I know any Jewish people in the real world, but I walked away from this film totally convinced that I have to nail one or two. I think to be a complete traitor to my race, I really should complete the trifecta.

Plus I learned from the film that Jews control everything. Which is kinda hot.

I wonder if it would be worth getting circumcised.

I Live With The Most Thoughtful, Caring, And Kind Person On God's Green Earth.

Although the Earth is predominately blue. That's beside the point. What's important is the surprise package.

I saw it by the front door on my way to work. Actually I almost tripped over it. My first thought was that Mom had sent her baby boy Christmas goodies a little early. Mom can be like that. She never did trust the mail. My sister works at the Post Office.

Confirmation would have to wait though. I have the habit of making it to the happy pill room with not a second to spare down to an art. I slid the package inside the door where it was subjected to a full inspection from my feline second in command. Her ultimate lack of interest told me there was nothing edible inside. Off to the pharmacy to get retarded.

It haunted me all day though, this package. It was from Amazon, and my Mom definitely still lives in the pre-Amazon age. My sisters hate me. I really don't have any friends. I hoped it wasn't a bomb. My cat doesn't really have the skills or the thumbs required to diffuse explosives.

I skipped my usual after work date with Jack In The Box. I could count on Jack to always be there. Right now the suspense was killing me.

The box was right where I left it. I tore into it with penknife and found........"The Bass Tab White Pages." Bass Tabs are a way to record song information in a way helpful to those of us who can't read music. This was the best book ever. A thousand pages of bass tabs. I almost wept with joy.

But......the number of people who know that I pick up the bass and make noise with it on occasion is very small. Less than 5 probably.

I don't play the bass. I pick it up and make noise with it. It's an important distinction.

There was more. A copy of "Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band Live At Hammersmith Odeon, London 1975" My God. Just the other day I had heard a bit of this at Borders and had been amazed at the quality of the recording. Live albums from the 70's usually sound like they've been recorded on an 8-track. Not this one. And they managed to get it on CD without it sounding all digitally crappy.

But wait. Those thoughts had never traveled outside my head. I must be dealing with a stalker. Some sort of all-powerful omnipotent super stalker.

It didn't matter. The mind reading stalker was very generous and had a knack for picking out very nice gifts. I decided I would marry this stalker the moment they left me the slightest clue as to their identity. I looked at the packing slip and saw.......

My own name. And that the order was charged to my own credit card. I had no memory. I suspect the involvement of scotch. I send myself the best surprise packages, God I love me. And I really see no reason this night that I should stop drinking. I am going to pour some scotch and make some noise with the bass now.

A Catholic Priest Runs A Project Called Homeboy Industries. A Fact That Reads Like A Joke.

There really is a Homeboy Industries. Go here to get the scoop. I had to learn more, so I interviewed founder Rev. Gregory Boyle in my imagination.

"What was really exciting in the beginning was the tremendous support we found from within the church for this idea" said Boyle only in my mind. "We literally had priests, bishops, and cardinals from all over the world asking how they could help. Some days we would show up first thing in the morning and find 4 or 5 men of the cloth at our front door eager to roll up their sleeves and get their hands dirty."

Boyle did acknowledge disappointment that many volunteers leave after learning that they do not get to actually take a boy home with them.

"We're still very excited about the financial support provided by Michael Jackson however" said Boyle not in real life. "We're still not quite sure how he found us, or why he keeps asking for pictures of our clients......odd really"

Boyle was then silent for a few moments, a look of deep ponderance on his face. Suddenly his expression changed.

"Oh my" He didn't say. "Maybe it has something to do with that name."