Fat Kids Cast Doubt On The Gifts I Thought God Had Given Me.

Before I moved to California and became a hermit, I used to voluntarily interact with people. Honest. I had a wife and a Mom and Dad and sisters and nieces and nephews and even some friends. I probably still do. I should check. Except for the wife. The lawyers made sure there was no doubt in my mind I no longer had one of those.

Where was I going with this? Focus Drugmonkey. Oh yes....the family. I remember back when I had a normal life purposely buying the noisiest, most attractive, funnest, noisiest, noisiest and noisiest toys I could possibly find every Christmas for the nieces and nephews, for no other reason than to watch the look on my sisters faces when they were opened. I also remember coaching one of my little tot nephews to clutch his chest, Fred Sanford style, and proclaim to a crowded room that he was having the big one; "ELIZABETH.....I'M COMING TO JOIN YA HONEY!!!" Considering he had no idea what he was talking about, I was very impressed with the way the little dude carried off his performance. We hit comedy gold that night, me and the nephew, because you see, the very idea of a child with coronary disease was so outrageous, so far removed from the possibilities of life in the world of reality, that its mere mention was surefire hilarity inducing.

Or so I thought:

The nation’s pediatricians are recommending wider cholesterol screening for children and more aggressive use of cholesterol-lowering drugs starting as early as the age of 8 in hopes of preventing adult heart problems.

The new guidelines were to be issued by the American Academy of Pediatrics on Monday.

At first I thought the American Academy of Pediatrics was just ripping me off. A comedian must be ever weary of hacks, and I kicked myself for not copyrighting my childhood heart attack work. As oftentimes happens when I get worked up about something, I could feel a bowel movement start to form. Picking at random from the mountain of reading material I keep next to the john, I saw this, from the Pharmacist's Letter:

There will be more focus on treating metabolic syndrome in kids.

This combination of obesity, insulin resistance, dyslipidemia, and hypertension is becoming more common in kids as well as adults.

It's especially important to control these factors in kids... to prevent or delay the onset of diabetes and heart disease.

My God, was it possible the American Academy of Pediatrics was not trying to ride my comedy coattails? Perhaps fate was trying to tell me something. Perhaps it wasn't sheer randomness that had put that Pharmacist's Letter article in my hands.

But....my childhood heart attack bit....it was some of the best stuff I've ever done. Could my family have been patronizing me? Were the laughs.....forced? For the first time in my life I wondered if I might be.....not funny.

The john is not the place you want to have such a life-shattering revelation.

I guess the only thing left to do is to get me one of those fur hats and stand guard in front of Buckingham Palace. That's the only job I can think of where a totally non-funny person such as myself can be at home. Congratulations. Your fat-ass kid has ruined my life.

Not to mention his liver if he ends up taking a statin for 70 years.