Tonight, One Of My Life's Great Mysteries Is Solved, After Evel Knievel Leaves This World By Kicking Me In The Nuts One Last Time.

So my keystone tech finally asked me why I was so warped. I told her I think it has a lot to do with the Evel Knievel motorcycle. I don't even know why I asked for it that first year. I'm pretty sure I never actually saw Evel do any of his televised jumps as a young Drugmonkey. It was probably the fourth or fifth thing on my Christmas list that year, but the only one I didn't get. I thought that was a little weird, and made sure to put the Evel Knievel stunt motorcycle at the top of my greed list the next year. Again, every single thing on my list, and then some, appeared under the tree come Christmas, but no Evel Knievel motorcycle. I thought maybe Santa was fucking with me.

The third year Evel was my top priority. I started lobbying weeks in advance. One time I shoveled the driveway without being asked. Dad yelled at me because I did it in my tennis shoes. Dad always had a thing about proper winter footwear. For the last time in my life, I made an effort to be good and kind and caring. The third year was gonna be make or break for Evel, and I pulled out all the stops.

You know what happened. I got a Bionic Man rocket ship that turned into an operating table. Whose idea was it to even design such a thing? I mean, would you want the space shuttle to turn into a giant surgical suite for some reason? My spirit was broken, but I continued to ask for the Evel Knievel motorcycle, its place lower and lower each year until it was replaced with a request for The Beatles White Album. I didn't get that either.

A couple years ago I finally asked my Mom why I never got the Evel Knievel motorcycle. "Oh, I don't remember" was the reply. The mystery of Evel Knievel would never be solved. A part of me would never be at peace.

My keystone tech got a good chuckle out of this, but my other tech had not a clue what I was talking about. Exactly like when I try to tell the other tech there is a difference between Effexor and Effexor XR. As I tried to explain the concept of the Evel Knievel stunt motorcycle set to the other tech, all those old feelings came back to me. It was like I was lobbying my Mom all over again, telling her how incredibly cool this toy was, and how cool I would be if only I could have it.

Then I realized. I'm an adult now, with my own money and control over my own purchasing decisions. Betcha I could totally find an Evel Knievel motorcycle on eBay. I decided as soon as this long work weekend was over, I was gonna set aside some time to find me an Evel Knievel motorcycle.

Of course that's when the bastard decided to die. The price of an Evel Knievel motorcycle has now I'm sure gone through the roof. I poured myself a giant dry martini, entered that magical buzz state where only gin can take you, pondered the situation, and after 30 years, it hit me.

That tone of voice. That my mom had when she said she couldn't remember. It was the exact same tone she uses when she doesn't want to talk about something. Dad had some sort of problem with Evel Knievel. I can't believe it took me this long to realize. I bet Dad thought Evel Knievel was gay. Jesus it all makes sense now.

I may sleep well tonight for the first time in years.