Sunday, December 16, 2007

A Special Message To All My Friends In Iowa.

And really, I consider everyone in the Hawkeye state to be my friend. Sit down Iowans, have some scotch. I'll have you know I don't share my scotch with just anyone, only my friends.

I take back all those mean things I said about you four years ago. It was just, well, after doing a lot of work for no pay for the one presidential candidate who could have changed the direction of this country, I was a little testy when you were too mean...when you saw things differently. I made a bad choice when I called you a bunch of hillbilly inbred simpletons whose biggest worry was whether Jesus would ever see you naked, just like you made a bad choice when you handed the Democratic presidential nomination to John Kerry. We've both grown in the last four years, and I bet neither one of us will ever make a mistake like that ever again. There's a way you can undo your mistake though:

I bet you realize by now my Iowa friends, that when you have the privilege of making your selection for party nominee so early in the process, far removed from the actual issues we might be facing on Inauguration Day 2009, all you can really go on is leadership and judgment skills. Leadership and judgment skills like recognizing what the Iraq war was from the outset, and not being afraid to say so. Like Barack Obama did, 5 months before the war started:

That’s what I’m opposed to. A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics.

George Bush on the other hand, led Hillary Clinton off a cliff into a headfirst dive that landed nose deep in the stinking cesspool of Iraq. These days Hillary likes to say it's George's war, but she voted to authorize it and has never apologized for doing so. Don't take my word for it though, take hers. This is what she said as she took George's hand and made that cliff jump:

President Bush's speech in Cincinnati and the changes in policy that have come forth since the Administration began broaching this issue some weeks ago have made my vote easier. Even though the resolution before the Senate is not as strong as I would like in requiring the diplomatic route first and placing highest priority on a simple, clear requirement for unlimited inspections, I will take the President at his word that he will try hard to pass a UN resolution and will seek to avoid war, if at all possible.

That worked out really well, taking the president at his word. Because it was always so obvious how trustworthy George Bush was.

She also believed her husband when he said he never had sexual relations with that woman, which means she fell for the lies of two consecutive presidents. I'm afraid this means if she is elected president she will then believe her own lies, which I'm pretty sure would mean we're aquascrewed.

You can't vote for Edwards because he talks funny. I'm serious about this. I'm sick of having a president who talks funny.

So my dear Iowa friends, the choice is yours. Wait..... I forgot how you always force every serious presidential candidate to promise to support ethanol as a fuel additive. Something about the corn. You people are crazy about the corn, and ethanol has something to do with corn. So, yeah, I totally support whatever the deal is with ethanol, and I'm pretty sure Obama is in favor of you and the corn as well.

I know you'll do the right thing January 3rd.


Anonymous said...

and more than all of that... OPRAH IS BACKING HIM!!!

based soley on that, iowa should be a shoe-in. after all, it's all those iowa housewives that rushed out to buy the nostril-cleanser as soon as oprah mentioned it. oprah is obama's golden ticket.

Mother Jones RN said...

I forgive you Drugmonkey. So, do you want to meet in Cedar Rapids for our make up sex?

wetnurse said...

Drugmonkey, Drugmonkey, Drugmonkey. I think you may have left the cap off the thymol again, because I know that scotch doesn't make anyone this stupid.

We already know what happens when we have an inexperienced novice in the white house.

Certainly you realize that we are completely fucked. This is no time for on the job training. Obama needs to go back to the senate and learn his own job before he jumps up to the next step.

DrugMonkey, Master of Pharmacy said...


Everyone in Iowa is now my friend except for you.

We Democrats may have our differences of opinion, but the important thing is that we all participate in the process. If you are actually an Iowan, just make sure to go to the caucus on January 4th.


wetnurse said...

Oh, Drugmonkey!

I never said I lived in Iowa!

Don't take it personally.

It's just that as a nurse, I feel compelled to help others who are similarly afflicted.

For the record, there are very few people that are more involved in the process than me. I'm a Democratic Party Official in the northeastern state where I reside.

And though I don't live anywhere near Iowa, I may very well be there.

So can we be friends now?

DrugMonkey, Master of Pharmacy said...


We can absolutely be friends..... eventually, as it will be necessary for us to unite at some point to ward off the evil that will surely be coming at us from the other side.

Unless they are dumb enough to nominate Ron Paul. Who does have a stronger anti-war platform than Hillary....

There was a joke hidden in my last comment I wonder if you got. I hate it when my jokes go for naught.....

wetnurse said...

Normally I'm pretty good at picking up hidden jokes and subtle messages, etc., but I must admit that I missed that one completely.

My bad. Again.

Anonymous said...

Why not Hillary? I triple love Hillary.

Why is it that people either love her or hate her?

Hillary is the shizit.

DrugMonkey, Master of Pharmacy said...

sooooooo.....did you read the post you just commented on? 'Cause I kinda covered in there why I'm not exactly a Hillary fan. Was it an attention-span problem or a comprehension problem?


drug czar said...

Greetings from Cedar Rapids. You owe me some scotch.