An Update On Perfect Skin Woman.

She was in the store again today, picking up a prescription for her daughter. Her 21 year old daughter. She said not a word to me. Now, I'm not kidding myself. I know the chances of me ever scoring the mother/daughter/drugmonkey trifecta would always have been incredibly small. After the way I blew off this woman last time though, they are now pretty much zero.

The prescription was for Retin-A. She really does have an obsession with perfect skin.

New Tune On Drugmonkey Radio. "Ramblings Live"

I've found this song going through my head.......a lot..... of late while I'm filling your prescription. That's probably a window into my soul that is best left unpursued. It's on the right side of the page. Click play and welcome to a bit of my world.

Give Us This Night Our Daily Freaks.

Highlights from today's pill counting action:

Customer: "What's This?"

Me: "It's a sign about a new Medi-Cal policy. They're assigning new numbers to people so it's important to make sure you bring in your latest card the next time you get a prescription"

Customer: "What does that mean?"

Me: "Make sure you have your card with you when you get your prescription filled"

Customer: "What?"

Me: "Mrs. Smith, do you have Medi-Cal?"

Customer: "No."

Me: "Then the sign is nothing you need to worry about."

Customer: "Should I call my husband?"

Word has reached the Drugmonkey late tonight that the state has put off the implementation of regulations requiring the use of those new Medi-Cal numbers. I have a feeling the decision may have had something to do with conversations that went the way that one did.

Later that afternoon a customer stopped in front of me. The pharmacy where I work is laid out a lot like a Subway sandwich shop, my employer realizing that the best way to ensure prescription accuracy is to make it as easy as possible to interrupt the person filling your prescription. The lady was like 3 feet in front of me, at eye level, staring.

Me, noticing a bit of an awkward moment here: "Hello."

Before I tell you what happened next, I want to reiterate the lady was standing close to me, and that the timing of her smile would seem to indicate that she had heard me greet her.

The woman then slowly.......very slowly..... reached up with her hand, ever so gently moving it forward with all the deliberateness of a brain surgeon. When her hand broke through some imaginary plane, she said to me:

"Oh, I thought you were behind glass."

The cleanest glass in the world evidently. Magic clean glass that provides no barrier to sound. My mother is proud of the work I do for some reason.

Release the scotch.....

A Shocking Discovery Concerning Norm Coleman, Republican Senator From Minnesota.

I could have listened to Al Franken more. In the almost three years he was broadcasting the flagship show on the Air America radio network I did all I could to make sure I never missed a hate e-mail of the day, a 15 second debunk, or an episode of the Oy Yoy Yoy show. But there were times when I would do things. Things like get out of the car to pump gas and not leave the radio on, get the mail without wearing my Walkman, even.....days when I slept through the show and never caught it later on the computer. Now Al has decided to run for the U.S. Senate, and the show is gone forever. I will never have those moments back, and it saddens me.

In looking at the record of the man who now holds that Senate seat however, I have found what could quite possibly be the reason Franken decided he had to run. Norm Coleman is the man Al Franken will be running against, and Norm Coleman has never denied he is a member of Al-Qaeda.

It's true. In going through the public record, I cannot find a single instance where Norm Coleman has said he is not a member of this dastardly organization dedicated to the destruction of Western Civilization and each and every thing held dear by you and your family.

What is Norm Coleman hiding? Why can't he come clean about any possible connection between himself and the attacks of September 11th? On his website, Coleman touts his work "to ease travel to Canada" Would a member of Al-Qaeda want to make it easier to slip back and forth across the border? I think they would, and Norm Coleman has never denied he is a member of Al-Qaeda.

He also wants to raise your taxes.

Call Norm Coleman today at 202-224-5641 and demand he set the record straight about his membership in Al-Qaeda. Don't the people of Minnesota deserve to know of any possible connection between one of their Senators and terrorism? I think they do.

On A Cold And Gray California Mornin, A Poor Little Baby Child Is Kept From Bein' Born. In The Ghetto.

Today I went back to my roots and pulled a shift in the ghetto. I used to regularly work in the ghetto, and I miss it. It's far more interesting there than with the affluent clientele' I work with these days. Let's face it, assholes are boring. They look the same. They act the same. There are perhaps 5 acceptable hair styles, clothing types, and thoughts that are allowed among those with a high net worth, and watching how quickly the credit cards can come out when the insurance claim for Viagra is denied time after time can get more than a little monotonous. In the ghetto however, the cluelessness, the desperation, and the zest for life you can have when you know you might die tomorrow almost always makes for a lively work experience, and today was no exception. First thing this morning an old Asian lady makes her way to the happy pill room carrying an empty shopping basket and proceeds to fill 'er up with prophylactics. Damn near cleared out all the rubbers we had, then looks at me and says at a volume that might have been indicative of hearing loss, "YOU KEEP GOOD STOCK"

I don't know if this was intended as a compliment or as a command.

"She runs the massage parlor up the street" My temporary trusty tech for the day told me later.

"And exactly how do you know this?" I asked, and we both had a good laugh. He never did answer the question.

Later on he said it would be funny if he went to this woman's place of business and made some smart-ass comment about the stock she kept.

"When was the last time someone checked the expiration date on those condoms?" I said, and it looked like a light bulb went off in his head. They tell you in pharmacy school you'll be saving lives. They don't always tell you how.

No one ever caught AIDS from a scotch bottle. Never a boring day in the ghetto.

Apologies to Elvis for the post headline.

One Drugmonkey, Two Counters, Three Phone Lines. You Do The Math......

....and tell me why I am in such a pissy mood after this workday.

Another set of numbers:

30mls = 1 ounce

1 ounce = 1 shot scotch

6 shots = One day washed from my memory.

The two sets of numbers are intimately related to one another. Now leave me the fuck alone until tomorrow.

A Piece Of Evidence That Confirms My Brilliance.

From today's New York Times:

One of the most important decisions that Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton made about her bid for the presidency came late last year when she ended a debate in her camp over whether she should repudiate her 2002 vote authorizing military action in Iraq.


.....In the end, she settled on language that was similar to Senator John Kerry’s when he was the Democratic nominee in 2004:

Similar to John Kerry's huh? Hmmmmmm....now go read the headline of this post, written two days ago.

A goddamn genius, that's what I am. It's amazing I don't charge you people to read what I think.

Action Pharmacy Picture #2. Brought To You By Eisai® Pharmaceuticals.

Got this one from an ad touting Eisai's "Human Health Care Pharmacist Recognition Award." For some reason I did not win this award:




Pharmacist: Mrs. Johnson. Answer me honestly. Are you ready for this consultation?

Mrs. Johnson: uh, yeah, I guess so.

Pharmacist: Very well then. It begins. I need you to look at this paper Mrs. Johnson. Not at me! The paper! Tell me what it says here.

Mrs. Johnson: The Pharmacy America Trusts.

Pharmacist: Foolish woman! This is not a time for the slogans of commerce! This is a consultation! Above the advertising!

Mrs. Johnson: May cause drowsiness?

Pharmacist: Yes! Exactly! We have achieved a breakthrough. You see now you should not attempt to do anything that requires less than your utmost mental sharpness while you are under the influence of this elixir. You see this!

Mrs Johnson: Do you sell money orders here?

Pharmacist: Focus on the paper Mrs Johnson! For the love of God, focus!! Here it says this sweet syrup may cause dry mouth. I must also tell you a related side effect is urinary retention......... I wet my bed until I was 15 years old. It's true.

Mrs. Johnson: I think I should go now.

Pharmacist: Godspeed to you my lady! God speed as you address this challenge to your very well being.

Mrs. Johnson walks away. The pharmacist stays at the counter weeping softly. Remembering what it was like to wake up in his own urine and a sure beating by his father.

"It wasn't my fault, it was the medicine..........sob...........the medicine........"

Hillary Clinton. John Kerry In A Pant Suit.

I was really looking forward to not getting involved this time around.

Four years ago, the shock of how incredibly stupid most of you fuckers were being drove me to use my vacation time to go to New Hampshire. I wholeheartedly believe in your right to be stupid as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, but you started a war, and wars hurt people. I thought burning up my vacation time to try to talk some sense into members of my own party was the least I could do. My party didn't want to hear it though. There was one viable candidate who was unambiguously telling you and everyone who would listen George Bush was making a mistake, but you wouldn't listen. You listened to the scream instead. You have no idea the disillusionment that washed over my soul as I watched people that should have known better vote for the phony, spineless, finger in the wind non-leader John Kerry over the person who was being honest. 2004 will always be remembered by me as the year fear trumped truth.

But hey, it's 2007 and times have changed. Most of you realize now that I was right. No hard feelings. Simply send me a signed, notarized statement admitting you were wrong and that my judgement is better than yours, and I will consider forgiving. Forgetting however, is off the table. Thankfully people, or at least Democrats, seem to have figured out the evil that is George Bush's death machine, meaning this year I can use my hard-earned vacation time to go somewhere warm and sunny and have my scotch by the beach with a little umbrella in the glass confident that the nominee of my party will fight the good fight in the next presidential election. Maybe someone like John Edwards:

I was wrong.

Almost three years ago we went into Iraq to remove what we were told -- and what many of us believed and argued -- was a threat to America. But in fact we now know that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction when our forces invaded Iraq in 2003. The intelligence was deeply flawed and, in some cases, manipulated to fit a political agenda.


It was a mistake to vote for this war in 2002.

Good for you Opie.

Opie's not the only good candidate running this time around. Here's a cut and paste from BarakObama.com:

Before the war in Iraq ever started, Senator Obama said that it was wrong in its conception. In 2002, then Illinois State Senator Obama said Saddam Hussein posed no imminent threat to the United States and that invasion would lead to an occupation of undetermined length, at undetermined cost, with undetermined consequences.

Sweet. The only thing better than admitting you made a mistake is not making a mistake in the first place. These Democratic presidential candidates just keep getting better and better. Let's see what Hillary Clinton had to say when asked about her vote to authorize the war:

Roger Tilton, 46, a financial adviser, told Clinton that unless she recanted her vote, he was not in the mood to listen to her other policy ideas.

"I want to know if right here, right now, once and for all and without nuance, you can say that war authorization was a mistake," said Tilton.

Clinton replied: "The mistakes were made by this president, who misled this country and this Congress"

Oh Shit. She was given a point-blank opportunity to admit she made a mistake and instead blamed George Bush for misleading the Congress. The Congress she was a part of. Kinda like when Bill misled her about Monica. It's looking like there are some serious judgement problems with this woman who fell for the lies of two consecutive presidents.

Yet as of this moment she is the front runner. You're not going to make me come to New Hampshire again are you? I was really looking forward to not getting involved this time around.

Today My Pharmacy Tech Brokered A Peace Deal Worthy Of Camp David.

Me, upon seeing one of our regular little old blue haired lady customers entering the front of the store: "Ugh......I HATE this woman."

Pharmacy Manager: Why is that?

This type of question usually opens the floodgates of my mind, resulting in me spouting forth a tidal wave of past wrongs committed by said customer, my blood pressure rising to new heights as I give a detailed, lengthy explanation of why this person deserves to be banned from the store, and more importantly, from my life. I am a petty man who has a long memory and holds grudges. This time though, after a few seconds of silence I said "I don't remember, I just do."

Pharmacy Manager: Well she hates you too. She told me once she wasn't going to come here anymore when you were working. She must really be sick.

Me: Good. I hate her.

Pharmacy Tech: I think it's because she's hard of hearing and you thought she was stupid.

Me: Nuh uh, I wouldn't do that.

Pharmacy Manager: Yes you would. You totally would.

Me: Shut up.

As this conversation unfolded the top of her little blue head approached the pharmacy like the fin of a great white shark.

Pharmacy Tech: Seriously Drugmonkey, she's not that bad. We see a lot worse.

Me: I don't care. Go to the counter and keep her away from me.

Blue hair is picking up a prescription and some cat treats from the pet supply section. My trusty tech interrupts the transaction to turn to me and say:

"Aren't these the treats your cat likes so much Drugmonkey?"

Mentally I turned the knob on the phaser I keep behind my eyeballs from stun to kill. I aimed at the tech and prepared to shoot laser beams out of my retinas. Evidently my phaser batteries needed recharging though, as nothing happened. I was forced to answer the question.

"Yes."

Blue Hair: WHAT??

Tech: Drugmonkey says his cat loves these treats

Oh you're so gonna die when I find my recharger. I did NOT volunteer that information.

Blue Hair: WHAT'S YOUR CATS NAME?

Me: Spooky.

Blue Hair: WHAT??

Tech: He said spooky. She's a black cat he got on Halloween.

Blue Hair: YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD HAVE A CAT. YOU SHOULD BRING IN A PICTURE.

Me: Maybe I will.

Blue Hair: "HAVE A NICE DAY"

What was now radiating from my tech's eyes had nothing to do with phasers. It had more to do with smugness. A rare moment of harmony settled over the happy pill room.

Of course the tech is a woman. This afternoon she provided a small example of why men should be barred from all positions of power.