I Make A Vow To You This Night. As Surely As I See This Glass Of Absinthe Before Me, I Will Dedicate The Rest Of My Life To Work Worthy Of The Nobel Peace Prize.

An open letter to the people of South Africa,

Comrades,

It may seem odd that I, a common citizen of the United States who has set foot outside of my country only four times, would make an appeal to you, a nation halfway around the world and seemingly far more politically complex than anything I have ever witnessed. I ask only that you hear me out however, as my humble plea to you may just end up benefiting us all.

For you see, the demon seed of apartheid, planted so long ago and so far away from me, has sprouted into a flower of fire that threatens to burn out of control. Consuming my own house the way it has burned through so much of your country. I understand your problem with the white Afrikaners in a way that no one else who is not black can. They came uninvited, assumed all positions of power and went on to rule with an iron fist, tolerating no questions, much less actual opposition. First in South Africa, then with my employer. Because when you freed yourself , you chased many of your oppressors directly into the corporate suites above me, subjecting me to the very woes you once endured. By liberating yourselves,  you set up my own enslavement. I suppose it is only karmic. I was a Republican during the time Reagan was propping up the regime that held you down. I am truly, deeply, sorry.

Did they do weird shit with the trash when they were in charge of your country? The trash system they have set up in my company is truly bizarre. Did they dismiss your ideas out of hand only to implement them months later and give you no credit? Did they tell you you did not know how to do simple arithmetic when you pointed out you did 75% of a store's prescriptions?  I can only imagine what it would be like to live in a land where those people were the only ones with guns. Look into my face my African brothers, and you will see the pain of a modern Nelson Mandela.

Which is why I am writing to you this night. Because like my brother Madiba, I choose not to fight the power of  injustice with force, but with the power of peace. From this moment on, I will not rest until you have settled your differences with the Boers and they can go the fuck back to where they came fr........I mean....they can return to their homeland secure in the knowledge you no longer want revenge for the fact they used to beat your head in and make you go to the shittiest beaches. I am in a unique position here my friends, as I both know what it is like to live under their heel and am pretty sure they will never call me a kaffir. Let us sit at the table of reconciliation and let me help you work together in the common interests of humanity.

As long as that table is in your country, and not mine. Before they conscript me to do off-site flu shot clinics, please, let's see if you guys can work this out.