So Triumphant.
Climactic.
A neat and clean overcoming of the hand you were dealt:
time to emancipate
i guess it was the beatings
made me wise
but i'm not about to give thanks, or apologize
Testosteroney.
head at your feet,
but i'm not about to give thanks, or apologize
Testosteroney.
head at your feet,
fool to your crown
fist on my plate, swallowed it down
enmity gauged,
fist on my plate, swallowed it down
enmity gauged,
united by fear
tried to endure
tried to endure
what i could not forgive
Conflict created.
saw things
clearer
clearer
once you, were in my...
rearview mirror...
i gather speed
Conflict created.
saw things
clearer
clearer
once you, were in my...
rearview mirror...
i gather speed
from you fucking with me
once and for all
once and for all
i'm far away
i hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...
Conflict overcome. Simple really.
That's my public explanation. Yup. Got away from Dad as soon as I could and made a nice life for myself. Cause I'm a smart problem solvin' type of dude.
Some of you are unfortunate enough to know that's not how it works though. Bruce knows.
`Cause the darkness of this house has got the best of us
There's a darkness in this town that's got us too
But they can't touch me now
i hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...
Conflict overcome. Simple really.
That's my public explanation. Yup. Got away from Dad as soon as I could and made a nice life for myself. Cause I'm a smart problem solvin' type of dude.
Some of you are unfortunate enough to know that's not how it works though. Bruce knows.
`Cause the darkness of this house has got the best of us
There's a darkness in this town that's got us too
But they can't touch me now
and you can't touch me now
They ain't gonna do to me
They ain't gonna do to me
what I watched them do to you
You can't touch me now. That's how it ends. And the "They ain't gonna do to me what I watched them do to you" turns into some "whys?"
And the "whys?" They don't get clearer. As you get older and accumulate your own lifetime of flaws, the "whys" become murkier. No matter how much you focus that rearview mirror.
You remember it wasn't all concussions and drunken random belt whippings. You remember sometimes it was throwing the baseball around in the front yard and you remember sometimes it was going to ballgames and you remember sometimes it was being told you'd be going to the ballgame on Saturday and then spending Saturday looking out the window hoping you weren't due for a belt whipping. And it's not very clear at all because now you can see your own lifetime flaw collection developing.
And you know everyone develops a lifetime collection of flaws.
So say goodbye it's Independence Day
Papa now I know the things you wanted that you could not say
But won't you just say goodbye it's Independence Day
So you just end up being glad no one can touch you now. And you leave to go......you don't know where. And you cry every time you hear that stupid song. And you feel like sending Bruce Springsteen a card for Father's Day.
Being a father scares me more than anything in the world.
You can't touch me now. That's how it ends. And the "They ain't gonna do to me what I watched them do to you" turns into some "whys?"
And the "whys?" They don't get clearer. As you get older and accumulate your own lifetime of flaws, the "whys" become murkier. No matter how much you focus that rearview mirror.
You remember it wasn't all concussions and drunken random belt whippings. You remember sometimes it was throwing the baseball around in the front yard and you remember sometimes it was going to ballgames and you remember sometimes it was being told you'd be going to the ballgame on Saturday and then spending Saturday looking out the window hoping you weren't due for a belt whipping. And it's not very clear at all because now you can see your own lifetime flaw collection developing.
And you know everyone develops a lifetime collection of flaws.
So say goodbye it's Independence Day
Papa now I know the things you wanted that you could not say
But won't you just say goodbye it's Independence Day
So you just end up being glad no one can touch you now. And you leave to go......you don't know where. And you cry every time you hear that stupid song. And you feel like sending Bruce Springsteen a card for Father's Day.
Being a father scares me more than anything in the world.
17 comments:
Therapy. Get some. Really. I am saying this in the nicest possible way.
And sometimes it was building go-karts and sneaking tiny little tricks in so you can show the other kids who's boss.
This week's secret is for you:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/SaC9jBpc_CI/AAAAAAAAIJU/xFFym0NyMds/s1600-h/finallypeace.jpg
You're not the only one, guy. Get it out of you, but don't wallow in it because wallowing only makes it worse.
Getting away, I think, is the important part. See, when you can't get away, there's still that little kid in the back of your mind wondering if the bitch is going to snap again and throw you across the room for walking in front of the TV at the wrong moment, even though you're well over 18 and you could have her ass sued now that you're not a helpless child any more. But that begs the question, when you leave, do you really just take the beatings with you?
Damn Drug monkey, you have been going through some serious introspection. The long work weekend is almost over, and don't forget, You're rich!
DM-
For me, it was my mom. Single, overworked, crazy as batshit... Never knowing who you were going to wake up to that day, never knowing what would set her off... I was removed from her home by the state at 14, saw her once before my graduation from high school 12 years ago, haven't spoken to her since.
Therapy helped. Getting over that whole "but she's your parent and you'll miss her when she's gone" bullshit that everyone tries to feed me helped even more.
But just yesterday I was listening to "Father of Mine" by Everclear- that song will knock you on your ass. "I will never be safe, I will never be safe. I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame." Not exactly encouraging, but it strikes a cord.
Good luck.
I wish I had the right words to say.
At the very least please know that your blogging is a comfort to many burnt out retail pharmacists. You'll never know how much I look forward to your words, even when they leave me speechless and feeling like I owe it to you to somehow say whatever it is you need to hear.
I was in therapy and I highly recommend it.
This made my heart hurt for you. You know where to find me.
Rearview Mirror... How I miss the Pearl Jam that was making music like that.
Another awesome song on that album that I don't think gets enough credit is Glorified G. "Got a gun. In fact, I got two. That's OK man, 'cause I love God."
my whole life is spent waiting for the other shoe to drop..it really doesn't anymore but I still hear the echoes. these is no fuckin' therapy for it woolywoman..I'm just a one armed woman in a two armedworld, nose pressed against the window wondering what it's like on the other side. I'm a mom and the greatest gift I gave my kids was they never had to experience that shoe dropping.
I've spent my whole life waiting for that other shoe drop...it doesn't anymore but the memories echo from time to time. There is no fuckin' therapy for having your nose pressed against the glass wondering what it's like on the other side. I'm a mom and what I gifted my kids with was never having to hear that other shoe fall with its terrifying retribution...they don't look over their shoulders at ghosts that aren't there and they believe they are unconditionally loved. I can sleep at night but always with one eye open....that's my legacy.
I understand little drug monkey...we're damaged people. as john irving said we don't have memoreis, memories have us.
not in therapeutic range-
"the other shoe" comment made me catch my breath b/c I know that one very well. And while there is no therapy that can fix what was broken by those that were supposed to protect us in the first place- for me it did a lot. Let go of their control over me, *try* to stop fearing that everyone else would be like that, and basically give ME the tools to rebuild myself.
It will always be there, and there will always be days when it comes out of nowhere and hits me like a truck and knocks the wind out of me, but those days are few and far between.
I think those of us that were hit hardest and come out the other side can be some of the best, most loving and aware parents. I'm sure your children are extremely lucky to have you.
Blessings,
H.
I was the whipping boy. I was beaten down three flights of stairs out into the street. I remember my friend Cecilia comforting me as I sat covered with welts under the tree. I laugh inwardly when I hear some of the complaints of abuse. Only a few of us know what it really like. It has its advantage. At work I am always called to assist at potentially violent situations in some of the tougher neighborhoods because I am calm in such situations. Violence was nothing new to me although I am not a violent man. The abuse gave me the ability to face any crisis in adult. I was able to get through them never falling in a rut for my rest of my life as some people do. In my practice of Buddhism I learned to be happy.
DM,
My heart goes out to you. And I think you would make a great father because you have the good sense to be scared.
1) Flaws make us interesting.
2) It wasn't your fault.
3) If you want to be a great dad, you will be.
Some days you just have to hold on with both hands, dude. it does get better
I really wish I had words that I could say to you that would convey any meaning, and I don't.
But I don't think you'd be the father you fear you would be. I don't think you're the kind of man that becomes that kind of father.
Just don't have kids. Join the childfree movement. Beware, though! Parents.will.despise.you for your choice to not follow the Life Script.
Post a Comment