I'm sure you've heard the news by now my friends. In one fell swoop we are about to take a big chunk out of the nation's obesity rates, and the corresponding complications of diabetes, heart disease, strokes, and people who just look gross.
For those of you unaware, I will let the cover of the latest issue of Glamour magazine fill you in. The great news is on the left hand side, right under the "8 Really Good Sex Ideas"
Who would have figured? All we have to do to tackle the biggest public health problem this country faces is get some more sleep.
"I knew my theory seemed counterintuitive to many" Dr. Eric Faulk, a fictional person, didn't really say in the accompanying article. "But when I noticed that many extremely obese people seem to spend every.....goddamn....waking....moment of their lives stuffing Ho-Ho's, Doritos, Ding-Dongs, Funyuns, whipped cream, ham...pretty much any organic material they can get a hold of really, down their throats, then washing it down with a couple liters of Pepsi, I knew that getting these people to pass out would be the only way to cut their calorie count."
"Some of them did manage to eat in their sleep" He didn't add. "This method will not work for everyone"
Timothy Rothwell, US chairman of the international drug manufacturer Sanofi-Aventis, hailed the new groundbreaking research in a press conference to introduce his company's new product, Bandecal®(zolpidem succinate)
"Sanofi-Aventis is committed to improving the lives of people around the world, and Bandecal® will do just that, for the fat ones, by letting them get the sleep they need to melt away those unwanted pounds. And at only $300 a month, it is quite the bargain, I mean, how much is a totally improved, new, sexy you really worth?" Rothwell, who by all indications is extremely unattractive, didn't really say.
When asked how Bandecal® differed from the widely popular and inexpensive zolpidem tartrate now used as a prescription sleep aid, Rothwell didn't say "it has succinate on the end, and a picture of a fat person getting skinny on the bottle." The reporter was then escorted from the room.
In the same issue, Glamour's "8 Really Good Sex Ideas" broke the news that women usually climax during the first 10 seconds of intercourse with little or no foreplay, and that a good way for a woman to arouse her male partner is to ask him to picture his mother sitting naked on the toilet shortly before making love.
-Special note. Everything in this post is made up except for the picture of the Glamour magazine cover and the unattractiveness of Timothy Rothwell . I hope to hell you knew that already.
8 comments:
Not getting enough sleep is a commonly 'known' barrier to weightloss. I believe the idea is that insufficient sleep stresses your body, encouraging it to conserve energy. There's probrably also a correlation between not-enough-time-to-sleep and not-enough-time-to-exercise-or-fix-a-balanced-meal.
Of course, it doesn't follow that sleeping in excess of 'sufficient' amounts is helpful. You're not burning calories.
Mostly, people should plan on seven hours sleep. If you don't feel like that's enough, try doing half an hour plus of brisk exercise morning and evening. It may seem counter-intuitive, but it improves sleep quality (evening) and helps wake you up (morning). Try it for a few weeks, before you try sleeping additional hours.
I routinely get people coming to the consult area asking about the OTC weight-loss stuff. Ask me the best OTC on the market, and the its always the same answer.
"Diet and exercise"
Of course, they plead and I then refer them to an anal-leakage OTC (I call it as such, then re-alli-ty sets in) for $50. They quietly leave the pharmacy.
This is a wonderfully funny and well written piece. You are indeed a charming wit. I hope it doesn't embarrass you that a non pharmacist comments on your writing. I hope to learn something useful here as well but really it's the entertainment that keeps me coming back.
Drugmonkey---cheer up!! Remember how hot you are! You haven't twittered about your great looks for quite a while! Any woman would be lucky to have you.
What really is needed is an extended period of sleep, like 3 months.
Sleep 12 hours. Get up and eat. Take some clomipramine, then snort some pepper. Read drugmonkey blog. Go back to sleep for another 10 hours.
I'm on my way to a thinner me! I slept 12 hours yesterday, effortlessly and I didn't even know about this new weight loss miracle yet.
Glamour magazine. Slightly higher impact than the Disneyland Journal of Medicine. But only just.
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