Sunday, April 08, 2007

On This Easter Sunday, He Has Risen.

My exercise bike makes me glad I wear a lab coat during work. Otherwise I might end up getting sued for sexual harassment or something. I'll explain.

The exercise bike is the only commitment to physical fitness I can seem to keep. It seems less like exercise if I'm sitting on my ass, and really, 20 minutes a day of ass sitting huffing and puffing while listening to reruns of the Al Franken show isn't too much to ask in case the Mountain of Punishment comes calling again. There is a problem though. Exercise bikes do nothing to work the upper body, so after a few years of pedaling away, I am now Clark Kent from the waist up and absolutely Superman from the waist down. Any ladies out there with a thigh fetish totally need to call me.

It presents a problem when buying clothing however, particularly pants. I basically have two choices: 1) Have the pants fit around my waist but be tight around my massive superman thighs, or 2) Have pants that go around my thighs but then are a few inches too big around the beginning of the Clark Kent zone. I could go to a tailor I suppose, or I could do some upper body work, or I could keep hoping someday a sweatshop that supplies Target will get their measurements slightly wrong. The Target option is most appealing to me.

So this workday I was wearing a pair of "waist fitting thigh tight" trousers that were also a bit snug around the....um.....private area. A few hours of this clothing closeness and Mr. Happy decides to wake up and see what's going on. I'm not kidding. A total inappropriate boner in the middle of the workday. It was just like being 16 years old again without the zits.

I should add that there were no attractive people around, men or women. I work in a pharmacy remember. Pharmacies make their money off people who two hundred years ago would be living in leper colonies.

I tried baseball statistics. I tried thinking of dead puppies. Staying very still for as long as possible. I prayed that perfect skin woman wouldn't come in. Or that she would, depending on what kind of mood she'd be in. Eventually someone from the district office called, and when they asked if I would work a 12 hour overtime shift in another store, I was able to use my annoyance to put my Johnson back to sleep for the rest of the day.

So next time you see a man who seems mighty glad to see you, get over yourself. There's a chance he's just a poor schmo who needs a pants adjustment.

9 comments:

greensunflower said...

That reminds me of the guy I sat next to in 8th grade. He used to get these random erections, turn all red, and suddenly cover his pants with his binder. I used to go home and tell my dad about it and laugh hysterically. I was so nice. No, wonder I had sooooooooo many friends.

But really, I have always wondered, why not just go rub one out. Provided you are not one of "those" men, that should keep you cool for at least a couple of hours.

Signed,
A woman not above mastrubation in public restrooms

Mc RPh said...

A floater at a neighboring 24 hour McDruggie's was recently fired for rubbing out his manly frustrations during a particularly slow overnight shift. When confronted with the videotape of his shenanigans, he told management he was just pissing in the sink... and used the lotion because his skin was dry.

I guess it's a good thing you were able to use the thought of pharmacy to kill your arousal. It would be a tragedy for all of your readers if you lost your job... unless you posted the security video. =)

The Apathetic Pharmacy Guy said...

I actually have the same problem with my leg/upper body ratio. My quads and thighs are kinda huge. I can squat what my boby builder friends can squat with zero training. Of course, like you, I saamu, I only bench like 140.

Getting a pair of scrubs that fit are impossible. Wind pants fit me well. Other than that, it's either Hammer pants or pants that are really f'n tight from he knees up.

The ONLY jeans that fit me are the Starbury jeans they sell at Steve and Barry's. The legs are nice and wide relative to waist and length size. I highly recommend them.

Filet-o-bitch RPh said...

What is his name?

DrugMonkey said...

You know.....I've never named him. That might be an idea for a little blog contest, name the drugmonkey's member. I'm open to suggestions....

Carmen Sandiego said...

I think you should call it Coco, kind of fits with the whole primate theme. Can it sign?

minja said...

Princess Sophia. :)

minja said...

A floater at a neighboring 24 hour McDruggie's was recently fired for rubbing out his manly frustrations during a particularly slow overnight shift. When confronted with the videotape of his shenanigans, he told management he was just pissing in the sink... and used the lotion because his skin was dry.

I guess it's a good thing you were able to use the thought of pharmacy to kill your arousal. It would be a tragedy for all of your readers if you lost your job... unless you posted the security video. =)


I got the story wrong, unless you just stole his story OR you work in the same area.. or more than one night pharmacist works out his ...umm ...frustrations on the job.. into the sink :)

minja said...

Good thing you don't hide techs under the counter. You could get in trouble for things like that.