None Of This Is Happening. What A Relief.

I admit the last few years have been a bit hard to take. Living under the rule of President Monkey-Boy and seeing the world pay the price for the Oedipus complex that haunts his soul, having a job where people whose eyeballs I would dearly love to gouge out with a pill counting spatula are ultimately responsible for providing the money that makes it possible for me to eat, the garbage truck that seems to show up every morning at the crack of dawn. It's getting expensive to buy enough scotch to numb my brain to the point where it's tolerable. All that is behind me though, because today I realized that it's impossible for any of this to be happening.

This revelation came to me, as so many do, as I was browsing through the day's news headlines. You've probably heard about the prison at Guantanamo Bay. You may have heard that 3 prisoners recently committed suicide there. You might have even heard the reaction of the commander at Guantanamo, who said:

"They have no regard for life, neither ours nor their own. I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of asymmetrical warfare waged against us."

At first this incredibly obtuse, self centered, Orwellian, life denigrating quote from the side that claims to have a culture of life may seem like just another reason to reach for the martini glass. Until you realize the name of the person who said it.

Rear Admiral Harry Harris.

Feel better now? You should. No way anyone based in reality would call themselves "Rear Admiral Harry Harris." The only place a "Rear Admiral Harry Harris" would exist is in a movie you'd see on Showtime at 2 in the morning. The character is either flamboyantly gay or a total straight arrow mockable Ted Knight in Caddyshack type who is constantly made to look foolish by some sort of Sean Penn in Fast Times At Ridgemont High "too cool for school" type protagonist, who would taunt him by purposely mispronouncing his name as something like "Rear Admiral Harry Hair-Ass"

Maybe in a Beavis and Butthead cartoon. That might be another place where you would find a "Rear Admiral Harry Harris".

Definitely not in the actual world though. Which I admit is like a ton or two of weight off my shoulders. I look forward to my eventual return to the world of real things. Of thought, reason, facts and logic ruling over animal emotions. Of a single payer health system, or at least payers that give you clear instructions as to how to file a claim. Of a person named Harry Harris being mocked relentlessly instead of running a torture camp. Hopefully I'll be there before that garbage truck has a chance to wake me up again.