I Was Trained To Hate The Man I Most Admire.

Mine wasn't a peaceful childhood, and it's not important to get into all the details, but I never saw anything like the look on Dad's face that night. Rage. Absolute teetotal rage. I didn't understand it, I was just relieved it was directed towards the man on the TV and not at me for a change. A little boy most always follows his father's lead in such things, and it behooved me, self-preservation wise, to also act enraged by the man on the TV's very existence. So I gave the perception of pleasure that night when Leon Spinks took the heavyweight boxing title from the man who so offended Dad, Muhammad Ali. It bought me a night of peace, but it didn't feel right. I couldn't get that man's picture out of my head. Couldn't stop thinking about how he could have provoked the anger of someone I knew to be very angry in a way I had never seen. I had to know. The next day I did what comes naturally to the nerdy, I checked out a book from the school library and started to learn.

It started with the basics. The man I saw defeated that night had been arguably the greatest boxer of all time. But there is more to Muhammad Ali than just what happened in the ring. He rose up from the streets of Louisville to win an Olympic championship on the other side of the world, then came home with a gold medal around his neck that wasn't good enough to get him served at a whites-only restaurant in his hometown. There have been two brief moments in my life when I've had a glimpse of what it's like to be a minority in White America, once when people wouldn't stop staring when I was out with a Filipina, and another time at the store when I was accused of being Jewish like it was some sort of horrible crime. Both times pissed me off like you wouldn't believe. So while I'll never understand what it's like to put up with that kind of crap 24/7, I do understand why that gold medal was thrown into the Ohio River.Why Muhammad didn't take it anymore. He didn't have to. He was young and strong and didn't have to cower to the power in order to survive.

He didn't have to accept the religion of his taunters. He found his own.

He didn't have to become a cog in the machine of the American Empire, and did not accept being inducted into their armed forces. "I ain't got no quarrel with the Vietcong. No Vietcong ever called me Nigger." he said, capturing the entire decade of the 60's in fourteen words.

Not that it was easy. His stand ensured that he would have to endure all that the power could throw at him. What would have been his best years in the ring were taken away when he was stripped of his boxing license. He was hated, despised, loathed and held to be the most contemptuous figure on the planet by all the redneck masses brainwashed into thinking they had a stake in the power structure of the status quo. People like my father, who cheered every time Muhammad Ali took a blow.

Except Muhammad was strong and the blows couldn't break him. "What's my name!!" he taunted an opponent who insisted on calling him Cassius Clay. "What's my name!!" he shouted to the man he refused to knock out in order to continue the punishment for a full fifteen rounds.

His was name was Muhammad Ali, and when he was allowed to finally resume earning a living, he found George Foreman in his path. Foreman was younger, bigger, and had absolutely destroyed opponents the now over the hill Ali had barely beaten. Finally, the redneck establishment would get their wish. Muhammad Ali would at last be beaten into submission. Everyone knew he couldn't best Foreman in a physical match.

Including Ali, who outsmarted Foreman and had him lying on the canvas after eight rounds.

Best.

Fight.

Ever.

The 60's were a fading memory by then, and Ali's history was soon to be the subject of revision. When it became conventional wisdom that Vietnam had been a mistake and that the overt racism of that era was a blot on the history of this country, Ali went from reviled to popular to....by the time it was time to light the torch to start the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, revered.

And he forgave us. Muhammad Ali stood up for what was right and fought and held strong against all the force society could throw against him, and when that society finally realized, but never really admitted, that he had been right all along, he forgave us. A very Christian like move. There are many Christians who could learn a thing or two from Muhammad Ali.

That's why I keep a picture of him by the desk where I do my writing. When I feel spent and the weight of the world is ready to wear me out, sometimes I look at that picture and hope one day I can have half the character and strength and wisdom of Muhammad Ali.

Who went on later that year to regain his title from Leon Spinks. Much to the frustration of my father.

Highlights From Friday's Pill Counting Action.

I rolled out of bed already missing my dear friend Mr. Scotch, the empty glass on the nightstand being the only evidence of the comfort he had given me the night before. I've always thought of scotch as my guy friend and the elegant martini as a woman. I don't know why. Perhaps because martinis are far more likely to leave me with a headache. The apartment was dark, with a faint smell of secondhand smoke and the headphones in the other room still sending the sounds of  The Dead Kennedys into the air. It was comfortable, just the way I like it when I've barricaded myself in from the rest of the world. I dreaded what I was to do next.

I opened the blinds and saw a rainbow, which as my Judeo-Christian friends know is God's promise not to drown us all again. I wondered why he chose today to rub it in.

I walked through the front doors of work and saw the store's manager standing by the cash register, all alone. Cashier call-outs had left him the only employee in the place. He used to be a District Manager for another chain, and  as I watched him standing there so sad and lonely I marveled at how the mighty had fallen. He was ringing out a 12-pack of beer for a man who said last night's rain meant he wouldn't have to go to his job on the road crew today. He was planning on staying home to drink.

Why did I spend all those years in college again?

So I could give expert advice on people's perspective purchases. Like the lady with the bucket. She wanted my opinion on a goddamn bucket. So I gave it to her....the main advantage is that you can use one to carry water around without having to keep your hands constantly cupped. I shared an insider tip as well; make sure there are no holes in it. Being condescending without actually sounding condescending is just one of the skills a good college education can provide you.

Half an hour into the day the former District Manager turned lonely cashier called to ask if maybe I could let Supertech come to the front for a few minutes so he could go to the bathroom. Only those of you who have experienced the universal idiocy that is every District Manager, in every chain, everywhere, can fully appreciate how much joy I took in having Supertech take the next three phone calls, then mildly suggesting that maybe, when she got some time, she could slowly make her way to the front, perhaps straightening a shelf or two on her way up there.

About 10 o'clock Express Scripts' claim processing computer went down for about an hour. About 4 o'clock, when the problem had been fixed for about 5 hours, we got a message from corporate saying Express Scripts might be having problems. It came in right as I was reviewing a warning that Suboxone, a medicine used to ease the symptoms of narcotic withdrawal, should be used with caution in patients who are narcotic dependent. I miss the days when limits on communication technology meant we actually had to have something to say before communicating.

"I'm at Atlantic and Park Avenue." The man on the phone said. And since there isn't a street by either name in my town, I could only assume I was talking to the little man from Monopoly. I'm happy to report he sounds well for as old as he must be.

I asked the next customer how he was, and he replied "Old and crappy."I instantly had a new favorite customer. I answered the phone and the lady asked me how to spell "syndrome." In your face Firefox spell checker. Some people still appreciate the kind of personalized, hand crafted, spell checking that only I can provide.

The climax of the day though, was every retail workers nightmare. A lost child. It starts with the first request, unique in the accent that is placed on the last syllable. john-NIE? In any language it is understood that this is a mother trying to re-establish contact with her offspring. The woman had been waiting in line patiently behind her stroller, and now that it was time to pick up her prescription Johnny had dropped off her radar screen.

"Johnny? Where are you?" Silence fell over the pharmacy as everyone within earshot discreetly started scanning the aisles.

"JOHNNY......JOHHHNNNNYYYYYYY????"

It was a shade short of panic now. Johnny wouldn't get in trouble if he was somewhere he wasn't supposed to be. Mommy just wanted to find him. Now.

"JOOOOHHHNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We have a drill for this kind of thing. Just as I picked up the phone to tell the people up front not to let anyone with a kid out the door, there was a soft, sleepy, "What?" from the stroller. The stroller that had been in front of Mommy the whole time. Mommy opened up the flap that covered the thing and there was Johnny wiping the nap's eye-snot away.

She was picking up Norco. Which is as surprising as the fact that God still hasn't gone back on his promise not to drown us all again.  It's supposed to rain again tomorrow. Hope springs eternal.

A Real World True Story Medical Professionals May Find Entertaining, But Not The Least Bit Surprising.

Because we've all waited on this lady.

I can guarantee you she has an established relationship with her pharmacist. And that it is not a good one.

From "News Of The Weird", which I've mentioned before is the best newspaper column ever:

Responding to a domestic-dispute call at the I-77 Motor Inn in Fairplain, W.Va., in October, sheriff's deputies encountered Melissa Williams naked from the waist down and holding a knife. Two men in the room (one, her estranged husband) said Williams had threatened them. "(S)omebody," she reportedly said, "is going to eat my (vulgar anatomical reference) or I'm going to cut your (expletive) throat." The sheriff's report also noted that one of the men approached Williams to comply but was repelled by Williams' "horrible vaginal odor." In November, Williams was sentenced to 90 days in jail.

Yeah...pretty sure I waited on her today.

Exciting News About Potassium Iodide.

FENTON, MO- In an unusual and hastily planned news conference this afternoon, Fleming and Company, manufacturers of  ThyroShield, an over the counter supplement used to protect the thyroid gland in case of a radiation emergency, announced today the product has been given a second official indication by the FDA.

"Starting Monday, March 21st, we are proud to announce that ThyroShield will become the first and only clinically proven agent in the diagnosis of moronism" said Fleming President Phillip Dritsas. While we did not seek this new approval, we are pleased to help in the fight against this horrible affliction"

Sources say that while no formal clinical studies were done to prove ThyroShield's effectiveness in the detection of the thinking impaired, the mad rush of people clamoring for the product in order to be protected from what would be, at most, a smaller dose of radiation than they would be exposed to by standing beside a microwave heating up a TV dinner left no room for doubt. "If you live more than 4,000 miles away from a nuclear accident and feel you must, at great inconvenience to yourself, obtain our product this very second, you are the textbook definition of a goddamn moron" said Dritsas. "Conversely, if you live less than 100 miles from such an occurance and insist on not taking any poassium iodide preparation, you are also dumber than a sack full of kelp."

A sack that many morons, desperate for any source of iodine, would probably eat after watching the latest news from Japan.

ThyroShield is expected to quickly grab most of the moron detection market, which up until now has been dominated by medications such as Oleptro, Moxatag, Pexeva, Doryx, and Acanya that are used off-label for that purpose. These meds, while useful, are mostly effective in identifying morons in the medical professions willing to prescribe them, identifying an idiot in the general public only when they are willing to pay their full retail price.

Moronism affects an estimated 60% of the American population, including anyone who doesn't realize this article is made up. There is no known cure.

A Guest Editorial From Greg Wasson, President And CEO Of Walgreens.

We really have you stupid shits eating right from our hands.

Look, running a drugstore isn't rocket science. It all comes down to a basic premise, you buy things and then sell them for more than you paid. The less you pay/more you can charge for something the more money you make. It's as simple as that. Thing is, we realized long ago we were never going to be able to contain our costs the way that goddamned hick from Arkansas was able to with his Wal-Mart. Little fucker built up his business betting people would confuse his place with ours and he was right. Anyway, we need a different strategy to be able to compete in the retail jungle, and that's where the monkeys in the white coats we keep in the back come in.

You really think it makes us different. The pharmacists in the back and the mortar and pestle we use in our logo. We'll blow smoke up your ass about having 8,000 "points of care" across the country and 70,000 "healthcare service providers" and you dumbasses eat it up. Whatever it takes to get you to waddle into the store to stock up on the 2 for $5 canned Spam we have on sale this week, or maybe the 39 cent 20 ounce sodas. Shit. I don't give a fuck. Buy the $2.40 potato chips or a flu shot for all I care. Just as long as you leave behind some money.

What I've found over the course of my career is that the best way to get suckers to buy buy buy is to lie lie lie. When I told the trade magazine Drug Store News that it was our vision to "own well" I fully expected their writer to grill me about our decision to sue the city of San Francisco when they banned tobacco sales in pharmacies. It wasn't fair we said, because it allowed those pricks over at Safeway to stay on the tobacco profit gravy train. We went to court to be treated just like any other retailer, but then we wax eloquently into the PR machine that we're some sort of special wellness center. And you brain dead sheep lap it right up! That writer never said a word! He just took dictation and wrote me up a seven page blowjob!

This shit is getting easier every year too. “We are on the front lines of health care with [more than] 70,000 healthcare service providers and growing, We have [more than] 8,000 points of care across the country. What we are building is the most complete national network of integrated healthcare providers and locations in the country.” Now get in here and buy some of our new private label beer you fucking lush. We make more on it than we do on Budweiser, and the fact you're getting it from a place that values wellness so much can make you feel better about washing your life away.

So yeah, that's about all you need to know about how to make it in the drugstore business. I just saved you the time and money it would have taken you to get an MBA. You're welcome. Why don't you use some of that cash and stock up on some Camels and the 2 for $5 Oreos we have on special this week. Because we're committed to stand beside you every step of the way on your wellness journey.

Fucking idiot.

Note- Greg Wasson wrote these words using a word processor that exists only in my imagination.

My Obsession Rises Yet Again.

Not like the sun mind you. The sun is regular and dependable and my obsession is not. The sun is also useful and life giving. Necessary. My obsession is not. It was planted in my mind long ago, and like a shingles virus, it stays out of reach until I am weakened, then it rears its ugly head. Last night as the gin started to soak into my grey matter it pounced yet again.

"How would you kill someone with a newspaper?"

Many years ago you see, I was watching one of those prison documentaries of the type that are on MSNBC late at night and I heard an inmate claim to have done just that. Kill someone using only a newspaper. He seemed quite proud of himself, and I don't really blame him, as I have no idea how you'd pull that off. I waited for the explanation and it never came.  I've thought about it periodically ever since.

Roll it up into a point and jab at their liver? The eyes maybe?

Soak it it water and hold it over the victims face, smothering them?

Twist it into a type of paper rope perhaps, so you could strangle them.....

It's been a good 5 years I bet and those are the best ideas I've been able to come up with. I have a feeling when I hear the answer it's gonna be something incredibly simple and I'm gonna feel really stupid.

Thing is, I have a newspaper within easy reach most of the time now at work. Ironically enough because I couldn't take the cable "news" channels like MSNBC anymore and started a subscription.

So, I've been thinking about how to kill someone with a newspaper a little more often than I used to. A lot actually. Someone asked me again today if you have to go to college to become a pharmacist and I desperately wished I knew how to kill them with the newspaper that was 12 inches from my hand.

I wonder if it's very physically challenging, because my back's still kinda sore.

It's Been Personal Between Me And The Crazy-Ass Jesus Freak Women Hating Goons On The Right For Awhile Now. Soon It May Be For You As Well. Not To Mention Deadly.

The only thing more infuriating than this story is the fact that if you don't subscribe to Mother Jones magazine, you're probably unaware of it:

A law under consideration in South Dakota would expand the definition of "justifiable homicide" to include killings that are intended to prevent harm to a fetus—a move that could make it legal to kill doctors who perform abortions. The Republican-backed legislation, House Bill 1171, has passed out of committee on a nine-to-three party-line vote, and is expected to face a floor vote in the state's GOP-dominated House of Representatives soon.

I will stop here for a second and point out the words "party line vote" and hope you might keep them in mind the next time you think labels on the ballot don't matter.

Now, where was I?

The bill, sponsored by state Rep. Phil Jensen, a committed foe of abortion rights, alters the state's legal definition of justifiable homicide by adding language stating that a homicide is permissible if committed by a person "while resisting an attempt to harm" that person's unborn child or the unborn child of that person's spouse, partner, parent, or child. If the bill passes, it could in theory allow a woman's father, mother, son, daughter, or husband to kill anyone who tried to provide that woman an abortion—even if she wanted one.

"This simply is to bring consistency to South Dakota statute as it relates to justifiable homicide," said Jensen in an interview, repeating an argument he made in the committee hearing on the bill last week. "If you look at the code, these codes are dealing with illegal acts. Now, abortion is a legal act. So this has got nothing to do with abortion."

Of course not. Absolutely nothing to do with abortion at all.

the Family Heritage Alliance, Concerned Women for America, the South Dakota branch of Phyllis Schlafly's Eagle Forum, and a political action committee called Family Matters in South Dakota—all testified in favor of the amended version of the law.

I bet the reason so many virulently anti-abortion groups came out in favor of this bill is because it has nothing to do with abortion. I hate it when they don't even respect you enough to put the effort into coming up with bullshit that is even the slightest bit plausible.

"Drugmonkey I'm ahead of you on this one." Some of you might be saying. "I know my local TV news cannot be counted on for anything other than 20 minutes of weather and stories about cats who play the piano. So I count on print media to stay informed, and I know that South Dakota bill has been shelved. That was really a close call."

And you would be right. Unfortunately you're about to learn why you can never, ever, let up in the fight against these people:

Just when abortion rights supporters thought they had beaten a controversial bill they believe would legalize the killing of abortion providers, it has cropped up again—this time in a more expansive form that has drawn the concern of law enforcement officials. 

Last week, South Dakota's legislature shelved a bill, introduced by Republican state Rep. Phil Jensen, which would have allowed the use of the "justifiable homicide" defense for killings intended to prevent harm to a fetus. Now a nearly identical bill is being considered in neighboring Nebraska, where on Wednesday the state legislature held a hearing on the measure.

Beat them down once and they come back in a more expansive form.

The legislation, LB 232, was introduced by state Sen. Mark Christensen, a devout Christian and die-hard abortion foe who is opposed to the prodedure even in the case of rape.

Of course this has nothing to do with abortion at all.

Unlike its South Dakota counterpart, which would have allowed only a pregnant woman, her husband, her parents, or her children to commit "justifiable homicide" in defense of her fetus, the Nebraska bill would apply to any third party.

Anyone. Take a look at the next 10 people to wander up to your pharmacy counter and imagine any of them with a license to kill.

"Wow that really sucks for those doctors." some of you are saying. "I'd really hate to be in their shoes." Which will make me a little sad. Because I don't want to do this, but I'm gonna have to give you a reality check. I'll try to do it gently. I'll need you to fire up your thought process for this.

Ready?

Now, we're already in a world where pharmacy's leading trade magazine is printing the propaganda of the right, namely that the scientific consensus on when pregnancy begins is not when an embryo implants into the uterus, when in fact that is the overwhelming scientific consensus. So, close your eyes and imagine a world 10....15....20 years from now, when a bill like LB 232 has been passed somewhere and a razor sharp lawyer has just won an acquittal of someone who slaughtered an abortion provider "to save the fetus"

Now imagine those 10 people at your pharmacy counter again. Convinced that pregnancy begins at the moment of fertilization and not at the moment of implantation. And asking if you sell the Plan B.

And with a license to kill. You.

Imagine that for awhile, and I have a feeling your motivation to fight these fuckers may just get a little boost.

At least I hope so. For your sake as well as mine.

So, I'm Very Late To This Party, But When Your Back Is Killing You, This Is The Best You Can Do.

Watch this first for context:



And now this. This is so wrong.



My back is actually a little better today. I'll put up a real post soon.

The Article Too Hot For Drug Topics.

So, yeah, some of you know I spend some time cooking up words for the industry's leading trade magazine, Drug Topics. I admit I try to be a little edgy and push the envelope a bit in my columns for them. After all, I firmly believe if you're not pissing someone off with what you're saying, you're probably not saying anything very important.

Evidently I finally pushed them too far though, although not with the piece with which I thought I would. I've been working on a a column about Walgreen's POWER program, and although they decided to take out my favorite line about being at a bar and overhearing the company's CFO, it looks like that one's gonna run.

Walgreen's CFO, you see, has been busted for drunk driving twice. That line was absolute gold and you'd have to see it in context to fully appreciate it. Oh well. It's nice to have these professional writer type problems I guess.

The article that got rejected was about worstpills.org, which I thought was tame compared to the Walgreen's one. Evidently though, it got a little too close to the industry that actually buys ads in trade magazines. Don't get me wrong. I'm not the least bit angry at Drug Topics. They've been very good to me and the chance to make some money without having to mortgage my soul is one I'm happy to have. Given a choice between pissing off the pharmaceutical industry or one of the corporations responsible for destroying our profession, I'll choose pissing off Walgreen's every time.

I just thought it would be a shame to let the article go to waste. So here it is:


I don’t have to tell you retail pharmacists are overworked. The constant whir of the fax machine, the never-ending ring of the five phone lines, the three customers demanding our immediate attention, that’s been the story line in our profession since long before my first day as an intern. Actually, the more I think about it, the more surprised I am you’re even reading this, and the more I wonder.

Where are you getting your drug information? If you’re looking at these words, I’ll guess you’re getting a good part of it from the advertisements on these pages. Which worries me a little.

Not that there’s anything wrong with a drug manufacturer taking out an ad to tell pharmacists about the introduction of Zegerid (omeprazole/sodium bicarbonate), or to make a sales pitch touting the benefits of Lexapro (escitalopram) mind you. As someone who ends up with some of the dollars generated by these ads, I wholeheartedly encourage such behavior. Let’s not kid ourselves though. By educating us about their products, the corporations that take out these ads are aggressively advocating for their interests, which is exactly what they should be doing under a competitive capitalist economic system.

In this competition though, who is advocating for the interests of our patients? After all, no sane corporation would ever take out an ad to let us know they think Fanapt (Iloperidone) isn’t as effective as older medications for the treatment of schizophrenia, or that the risk to benefit ratio of propoxyphene probably doesn’t justify it remaining on the market. You’ll never see a commercial on “60 Minutes” telling you to ask your doctor about alternatives to sleeping pills.

That is, however, exactly the kind of information and opinion you’ll find at the website worstpills.org. Part of Public Citizen, a nonprofit consumer advocacy group founded in 1971, worstpills is as aggressive in advocating for the interests of patients as Merck and Schering are in advocating for the interests of Zetia (ezetimibe). As a profession that serves as a bridge between the makers of medicines and the people who take them, we should welcome a no holds barred argument between the two sides, the same way the American judicial system values intellectual combat as a way to find the truth. I would love nothing more than to see the pharmaceutical industry and worstpills.org in a steel cage death match.

Unfortunately it wouldn’t be a fair fight. One side has a multibillion dollar advertising budget, the other is supported by foundation grants, publication sales, and member dues. One side fields a sales force army to make in person contacts with health care professionals across the country, while I have never had a representative from Public Citizen ask for some of my time at work. Some days there are so many direct to consumer drug ads on the evening news I feel like I should get continuing education for watching, while if it weren’t for the occasional e-mail reminder, I might forget about my subscription to worstpills.org entirely.

Which would be a shame, because I consider the money I spend to access worstpills.org as a sound investment in my professional career. Because of worstpills.org, I was able to sound a warning to doctors who asked my opinion of Avandia (rosiglitazone) well before stories about that controversial drug made the papers. I told a friend of mine to forget about their Darvocet (propoxyphene/acetaminophen) prescription and just go with some Tylenol instead, and I was able to get some sober, clear headed advice regarding Tamiflu, (oseltamivir) during last year’s H1N1 flu mania. I don’t always agree with the opinions of worstpills.org, but I have found them to be valuable.

So by all means, look over the ads you find in this magazine, pay attention to the messages that bombard your customers every time they turn on the television or open a magazine, and give the sales rep at your counter a few minutes of your time. You’ll probably learn something and be glad you did. But then, make an effort to get some balance in your drug information from sources that have different biases than those you are used to. Make them compete for your attention and opinions.

I know you’re busy, but you’ll be glad you did.

Highlights From Pill Slinging On The Day Of Love.

Although I've never needed it, yet, I took comfort in noticing the liquor store opened at 8 in the morning. I sat in the drive through at Jack In The Box, and waited for my extreme sausage biscuit, and saw the old man with the scraggly beard leave the store across the street with a brown bottle bag tucked under his arm and felt much the same way a trapeze artist must feel when they look down and see a safety net far below them. Getting some extreme sausage in the morning before a twelve hour day has been a ritual of mine for well over half a decade now, but it was only today I noticed the liquor store across the street opens at 8 AM. Comforting as it is, I don't think it's a good sign.

I put the sausage in my stomach and slowly strode forth across the parking lot to face the day. Halfway to the front door a midget woman flagged me down. Not really a midget I guess, but pretty damn short.

"Excuse please.....can you help? I park but afraid to put in reverse."

That was the condensed version. Her actual communication took far longer. Her car wasn't quite lined up with the parking space but she didn't want to back up. She actually did seem afraid. Did I park her car for her because I have a desire to help my fellow humans or because I have the alcoholic child's pathological desire to please people at all costs? As I struggled to wrest myself from the front seat that was set for a person a good foot and a half shorter than me, I couldn't help but to think it was the latter. Afterwards she hugged me, which added insult to injury.

Once inside the pill garden I noticed a little pin doohicky had fallen out from the handle used to crank the pharmacy gate open. It's half an inch long and it's impossible to raise the gate without it. For some reason I went to the hardware section of the store and McGuyvered a solution instead of standing around and staring at where the pin used to be like everyone else. The district office called to let me know how much they appreciated the type of employee who can think on their feet like that and save them the time and expense of a service call.

BWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAHAHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAA!!!!!!! Oh God I kill me. Anyone who believed that last sentence has never worked retail a day in their lives.

The first customer of the day payed for an 8 dollar prescription with a hundred dollar bill and the second wanted to know if her prescription was ready yet. "The machine said I could pick it up after noon" she said. It was 9:15. Yeah, knowing I could walk right out the front door and buy a bottle of gin at this hour definitely made it more tolerable.

At the mid-morning mark I was presented with a prescription for Nuvigil, a stimulant used to keep people awake, and temazepam, a sleep aid, both with instructions to take one in the morning. I wondered if the purpose was to let them fight it out to see who'd win. I looked up and saw what looked like a 17 year old kid carrying a heart shaped box of copro-pharmacy chocolates and wondered if that was really gonna get him laid as I sat on hold with the doctor's office.

At the mid-afternoon mark I decided I would invent a new type of prescription vial. My revolutionary device would let the patient see all the way to the bottom, which will allow them to be fully aware of when they are getting low on their prescription and therefore able to call a few days ahead of time to have it ready, instead of the current system, in which 80% of non-Vicodin patients seem to be totally unaware of when they have taken their last tablet. Coupled with my other idea, a ground-breaking new prescription label that would clearly state when there are no refills left, patients will now have all the information they need to competently manage their prescription affairs. I mean.....no one but a complete dumbass would let their prescription run totally out if they could clearly see there were no tablets left to take and no refills remaining.

BWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAHAHHHHHAAAAAHHHHAAAA!!!!!! Seriously, I really do kill me. Where's the gin?

The second and last time I was required to perform a professional function on Valentine's Day was when I explained to a woman why her doctor discontinued her potassium prescription when he switched her blood pressure med to lisinopril. I was interrupted twice while doing this. Once by a man who wanted to know where the bathroom was and again by a lady who wanted to find the bendable straws. Potassium lady eventually accepted my explanation, but didn't seem nearly as grateful for it as the lady who had me park her car.

I ended the day wondering how much I could make as a valet, but secure in the knowledge that I had to make it to the liquor store by eleven. I've known the closing time of the liquor store for years.