FENTON, MO- In an unusual and hastily planned news conference this afternoon, Fleming and Company, manufacturers of ThyroShield, an over the counter supplement used to protect the thyroid gland in case of a radiation emergency, announced today the product has been given a second official indication by the FDA.
"Starting Monday, March 21st, we are proud to announce that ThyroShield will become the first and only clinically proven agent in the diagnosis of moronism" said Fleming President Phillip Dritsas. While we did not seek this new approval, we are pleased to help in the fight against this horrible affliction"
Sources say that while no formal clinical studies were done to prove ThyroShield's effectiveness in the detection of the thinking impaired, the mad rush of people clamoring for the product in order to be protected from what would be, at most, a smaller dose of radiation than they would be exposed to by standing beside a microwave heating up a TV dinner left no room for doubt. "If you live more than 4,000 miles away from a nuclear accident and feel you must, at great inconvenience to yourself, obtain our product this very second, you are the textbook definition of a goddamn moron" said Dritsas. "Conversely, if you live less than 100 miles from such an occurance and insist on not taking any poassium iodide preparation, you are also dumber than a sack full of kelp."
A sack that many morons, desperate for any source of iodine, would probably eat after watching the latest news from Japan.
ThyroShield is expected to quickly grab most of the moron detection market, which up until now has been dominated by medications such as Oleptro, Moxatag, Pexeva, Doryx, and Acanya that are used off-label for that purpose. These meds, while useful, are mostly effective in identifying morons in the medical professions willing to prescribe them, identifying an idiot in the general public only when they are willing to pay their full retail price.
Moronism affects an estimated 60% of the American population, including anyone who doesn't realize this article is made up. There is no known cure.
8 comments:
I just sold 150 worth of iodine pills for 1500. Thank you public education system for producing such dolts.
I can see them giving Iodine to their children who they refuse to vaccinate. We have a Pertussis epidemic here. Why listen to a medical profession when the Village Idiot can guide them. We can make Marin the Idiot Capital of the World.
60%?! DM, if moronism were only 60% in this country, I'd take it.
Had an old guy yell at me because I wouldn't tell him the dose for Potassium Iodide, because the bottle he was showing me expired in 2006. I tried to explain taking an expired drug would probably be more dangerous than any radiation we here in PA would get from Japan!! MORON!!!!
Investors could take advantage of the suckers in the U.S. http://themorningafter.us/daytraders-try-buying-stock-in-potassium-iodide-producers/
With radiation levels at 2 millirem per hour at the boundary of Fukushima Daiichi, I would not take potassium iodide if I walked right up to the fence and camped out for a bit. Potassium iodide only provides some protection of the thyroid from direct exposure to radioactive iodine, and is mainly for people below age 40. http://themorningafter.us/nuclear-zone-japan/
After Chernobyl, I anticipated the demand & sold the hell out of KI tablets. Word got around the small town I was practicing in that I had them. I didn't promote them but neither did I refuse a sale. EZ money. Sometimes you have to make it.
"How can a subject of moronism be written so brilliantly?"
Kudos to the DM.
A pic comparing radiation levels: http://xkcd.com/radiation/
I actually found Doryx very useful since I could not tolerate generic standard release doxycycline, even after taking with meals. Just sayin'
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