Sometimes When I've Had A Bad Day, When I Hate Life And My Job, I Thank God I Am Not The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl Corporate Stooge.

I'm not sure really why I had the game on in the first place. I had long ago lost interest in the way large men play fight over a leather sack. Background noise I guess. The game was over anyway, and it seemed like the only thing happening was a bunch of the large men were happy because they playfought better than another bunch of large men. They were screaming and hollerin' and really looked like they were on the verge of being out of control they were so happy. I guess I couldn't blame them. Evidently this was the playfighting national championship game, and they had just shown the world that they playfought better than anyone else in the country.

Then I saw the guy in the suit. He was positioning a bag of chips for the camera. I'm not making this up. The man was desperately trying to find the best angle for the Tostitos while another guy in a suit interviewed the leader of the playfighters. The interview taught us that:

The playfighters were a good group of young men.

They had worked very hard during the school year at their playfighting.

The other group of playfighters were also talented, and deserved credit for playfighting to the best of their ability.

I became obsessed with watching this interview, not because of the revelations I was getting concerning the playfighters, but because the first suited man continued to make sure the Tostitos were always in the camera shot. I knew there had to be a memo somewhere regarding the placement of postgame Tostitos. Tostitos had paid a lot of money to have their name splattered all over this playfight, and Johnson in the suit's job was to make sure they got every pennies worth.

When the interview was over, Johnson stepped forward with all the enthusiasm he could muster, and said :

"How about some Tostitos coach?"

He was still holding the bag so the logo was perfectly angled for the camera. My heart broke for Johnson's teenage children. Coach gave Johnson a "you fucking die" look and walked away, leaving Johnson on the stage with his smile still frozen in place. Never in my life had I seen someone so completely prostitute out every shred of self dignity they possessed in service to the soulless entity that is the multinational corporation.

It's not even like he was plugging Doritos. Tostitos suck.

So no matter how bad your day was my friend, no matter what indignity life has thrown your way, no matter what you had to do to put some food in your stomach so you can continue that futile doomed quest that is life, just know that you are not the Tostitos corporate stooge. Neither am I.

I think we can both feel good about that.

In The Latest Recount Of My Blogpoll Data, ES&S® Corporation Tells Me 98.2% Of You Actually Wanted To Hear About Big Pharma Skullduggery

Which works out pretty well, as in this Olympic year, we may have a new gold medal winner for Pud-sucking by a pharmaceutical corporation. You'll recall our previous co-champions were Merck and Schering, who are accused of withholding scientific data that would have made their product, Zetia, look bad.

Just a shame they didn't go the extra step of actually changing the numbers, or they could have won it all.

The key to our story is this:

"High doses of estrogen are known to raise the risk for blood clots that can cause heart attacks and strokes."

We've known this for awhile now. Estrogen levels have been getting lower and lower in Oral Contraceptives for years, as drug companies push the envelope to see how far down they can go and maintain effectiveness. Good for them. Heart attacks and stokes tend to suck. Twelve years ago, Johnson & Johnson had an idea to push that envelope a little lower, at least to hear them tell it:

In 1996, the company told (The FDA) it planned to develop the Ortho Evra patch in part because it would be likely to expose women to less estrogen than pills. The company suggested that the body would not break down hormones delivered via the patch as readily as the pill, so lower doses could be used to achieve contraception.

There was, of course, the formality of actually proving that women would actually would be exposed to less estrogen, which as you'll remember, was known to raise the risk for blood clots that can cause heart attacks and strokes.

But a crucial trial completed in 1999 showed that the patch delivered 30 to 38 micrograms of estrogen into the bloodstream each day, according to company documents. Because up to half of the estrogen in pills is lost in the digestive tract before it reaches the blood, the study suggested that the patch delivered an amount of estrogen that could be as high as a pill containing 76 micrograms of estrogen. In 1988, the F.D.A. banned birth control pills with more than 50 micrograms of
estrogen.

Wait a minute! That's more estrogen! Which is known to raise the risk for blood clots that can cause heart attacks and strokes! Johnson & Johnson was wrong! Boy I bet they felt silly as they immediately scrapped plans for Ortho-Evra and went back to the drawing board. I mean, that's what any ethical company would do.

But the study’s author, Dr. Larry Abrams, who has since retired from Johnson & Johnson, decided to apply a “correction factor” to the results of the 1999 trial, according to documents. He claimed that the patch actually delivered about 40 percent less estrogen than the trial results showed — about 20 micrograms a day.

Dr. Abrams made the change, according to his deposition, to adjust for the different ways the body metabolizes hormones from pills and patches. This adjustment was never part of the study protocol, a plan filed with the F.D.A..

Johnson and Johnson was so proud of the scientific breakthrough that led to the discovery of this "correction factor" that they mentioned it one time in 435 pages filed with the FDA, buried as part of a mathematical formula. Fancy High-falutin' scientists with PhD's and paychecks signed by Big Pharma can come up with terms like "correction factors," but simple pharmacists with Bachelors degrees and roots in the hillbilly land that is Southeastern Ohio call it "pulling numbers out of your ass"

After the patch was approved, the company marketed it as releasing 20 micrograms of estrogen to the blood every 24 hours, a figure it now acknowledges was inaccurate. It also acknowledges that the patch releases more estrogen than the pill

Yeah, definitely pulling numbers out of your ass. Which makes this part not surprising at all:

Since then, an epidemiological study has shown that women on the patch can have as much as double the risk of blood clots than those taking pills.

Reached for comment in an alternate universe that doesn't actually exist, Johnson & Johnson Chairman and CEO William C. Weldon said in my mind, "but it's sticky....Ortho-Evra is sticky and you can wear it"

"Just try sticking a tablet on your skin" he added in my imagination.

Thing is, Johnson & Johnson totally got this bullshit past the FDA, whose job it is to protect the public from things like "correction factors" Which means you should take total comfort in the following:

....because the Food and Drug Administration approved the patch, the company is arguing in court that it cannot be sued by women who claim that they were injured by the product — even though its old label inaccurately described the amount of estrogen it released.

This legal argument is called pre-emption. After decades of being dismissed by courts, the tactic now appears to be on the verge of success, lawyers for plaintiffs and drug companies say.

Allow me to translate:

1) Johnson & Johnson pulls numbers out of its ass and uses those inaccurate numbers to market a product.

2) The FDA, underfunded, understaffed, and incompetent because it is run by political appointees who believe that government shouldn't do anything but start wars, looks at the numbers and says...."ddduuuhhhhh"

3) The Supreme Court, now packed with political appointees who believe government shouldn't do anything but start wars, may be about to say that if something approved by the underfunded, understaffed, and incompetent FDA injures or kills you, than tough shit. You have no choice other than die.

Enjoy your tax cut.

Vinyl As Life As Love.

I'm asked, over and over, what is it about my obsession with music on vinyl. I'm asked, over and over, about my refusal to own an iPod. It makes perfect sense in my head, but I know for most of you it doesn't.

If you have to ask I know you've never heard the magic of a needle sliding through well made, perfectly pressed grooves. There are so many things that have to go right to get that feeling. If the recording isn't mixed for vinyl in the first place, you can forget it right then. If it is, you've got a chance.

If the person doing the mixing got it right, if they listened and obsessed and twirled here and slid a lever there and listened and obsessed a little more and got the final mix right, which a lot of people don't, and if that final mix is pressed onto a good piece of vinyl, which it sometimes isn't, and if that vinyl is clean, which can take a little effort sometimes to accomplish, and if your needle is in shape and at the right angle and the right pressure and you have a good cartridge and all your connections are good and you have speakers that match the acoustics for your room in the right spot.....it might happen.

You can chase the sound...that perfect sound that cannot be digitized...sometimes for months, through various recordings and equipment configurations before everything that has to go right for it to happen falls into place. But when it does.....you'll understand.

You should also know it will never happen again. Not in quite the same way. Because the needle just wore on the grooves a little. New vinyl is quiet. Next time there'll be a little rumble in the grooves, no matter how much you clean them, it'll never quite sound like that first time. But you'll always remember that first time. When it all came together.

Vinyl, like love, is destined to break your heart in the most delightful of ways. It fades away gradually and everyone sees it but you. Because you remember it in a way no one else can understand.

Owning an iPod is like giving up. An iPod is friends with benefits. I will reluctantly accept CD's when I have no choice, but I will always.....always.....be chasing the needle.

In life as well as music.

Auralgan Update: Deston Therapeutics President And CEO David M. Preston Is A Far Bigger Douche Bag Than I Ever Could Have Imagined.

Evidently I have a lot to learn about what it takes to make it in the world of business.

I almost.....almost.....said something in my last post about the rip-off that is new formula Auralgan that I bet the price is somewhere around 40 or 50 bucks.

I mean after all, the old formula Auralgan that you can no longer get if your doctor writes the word "Auralgan" on your prescription pad runs about 15 dollars. I figured tripling the price would be about par for the course for the type of asshole who would engage in this type of maneuver.

A comment on that post gave me my first clue. I woefully underestimated the assholiness involved here. Retail price of the new Auarlgan?

$214.99.

That wasn't a typo. Two hundred and fifteen fucking dollars.

Let's recap: Deston Therapeutics bought the rights to the name "Auralgan", made some changes to the formula, like adding some vinegar, wait.....excuse me....acetic acid, and jacked up the price 14 times.

Let's also mention the price of a competing product that uses an antibiotic that doesn't do double duty on the condiment rack:

Cortisportin Otic: $79.55. Generic: $21.99

Wanna throw in a pain reliever? Sure.....

Oticaine Otic: $18.99 (All prices from Drugstore.com)

So.......if you are a doctor planning on writing prescriptions for the anal rape in a bottle that is the reformulated Auralgan.... please.....please.....hit yourself in the face really hard right now.

The whole thing kinda makes me feel like I've insulted the honorable people at Massengill when I so freely use the word "douche bag" in reference to Deston Therapeutics president and CEO David M. Preston. I mean after all, Massingill only charges $4.69 for their vinegar and water.

That doesn't mean you can put a douche in your ear though. Do not put a douche in your ear. I mean that.

The Final Results Of My Last Blog Poll, Brought To You By ES&S® Corporation.

I was very lucky to secure the help ES&S Corporation, the same people who helped the good folks of Florida's 13th Congressional District conduct their last congressional election, in tabulating my blog poll results. The final numbers?

Politics in a landslide. 80 percent of you in my poll said that you wanted to hear more about politics, and I couldn't be happier. I mean after all, the affairs of this country are far more important than my cat Spooky or freaky customers, as entertaining as either of those choices might be. You did the right thing by voting for politics my dear readers, and I'm proud of you.

I also could not be more confident in the results, based on ES&S's track record of accurately counting votes.



For those of you too lazy to click on the vid, I'll tell you there's good reason to believe that ES&S's miscounting of votes put the wrong person in Congress. Unless you think 18,000 people showed up across Florida's 13th district to cast ballots in the last Congressional election and then decided not to vote for a Congressional candidate.

Because that's what ES&S says happened. Thousands of people showing up to vote then not voting in a very competitive Congressional race. Make your own judgment on how plausible that is.

Actually I lied. The part about people showing up across the whole district was wrong. It was only in one county where 18,000 people showed up not to vote. The county where the Democrat had her largest base of support. In every other county there didn't seem to be a problem with people showing up and then not casting a ballot for Congress. I'm not saying ES&S intentionally changed the outcome of an election, but it is kinda funny how these type of fuckups only seem to affect Democrats....

The other 20% of votes in the blog poll went to my cat Spooky. This was her reaction upon hearing the news:




"Spooky jump because Spooky happy" said my cat in a prepared statement. "No one vote for Spooky before for anything. Spooky think this sets good stage for Spooky run for Governor next year if Spooky get right campaign manager"

Whereupon I witnessed my cat take a phone call from ES&S President and CEO Aldo Tesi.

My friends, this night I am very afraid.

Disclaimer. The part about the Florida Congressional election and ES&S' involvement in it is true. The part about ES&S tabulating my blog poll results and my cat issuing press releases is not.

It's Not The Worst Thing Big Pharma Has Done, But It Is Pretty Damn Annoying.

Actually, to call Deston Therapeutics Big Pharma would be insulting to the likes of Merck. It would be kinda stretching it to even call Deston Therapeutics Medium Pharma, but they have plans to change that. Big plans. If all goes well, loads of cash will soon be rolling in Deston Therapeutics' front door from sales of their new blockbuster product, Auralgan.

"Have you been taking the LSD again Drugmonkey?" I can hear you saying, "Auralgan has been around since Moses. No one's gonna make money off an old med that gets substituted nearly 100% of the time now. "

You'd be partly right. Auralgan has been around forever. For those of you not in the profession I'll tell you Auralgan is a pain relieving ear drop. The generic equivalents of Auralgan captured so much of the market that Wyeth, a real big pharma company, gave up making the brand name a few years ago. Most people didn't notice. Like I said, every prescription for Auralgan was getting filled with the generic anyway.

Most doctors are in the habit of writing the brand name on your prescription pad though. It's easier to write "Auralgan" than it is "antipyrine and benzocaine" That is the key to Deston Therapeutics plan to hit the big time.

Deston Therapeutics bought the name "Auralgan" from Wyeth, changed the formula, and started selling the new formula under the old name. That means if you fill a prescription written today for "Auralgan" the way you've filled one for the last zillion years, you've filled it wrong. There is no generic for the new Auralgan.

I interviewed Deston Therapeutics president and CEO David M. Preston in my imagination to get his take on the story:

Me: "So.......what the hell?"

Preston: "It's like this Drugmonkey, we at Doston Therapeutics don't have the integrity or work ethic to come out with a product we could sell based on the merits of its effectiveness, so we figured a disingenuous move such as this could lay a good foundation, both financially and ethically, towards the day when we are the type of company who can make their money withholding the results of scientific data, the way Merck and Schering do."

Me: "You do realize that 99.9% of doctors writing a prescription for Auralgan are intending to prescribe only a pain reliever, and not a pain reliever combined with mild anti-bacterial and anti fungal agents."

Preston: "You think we care?"

Me: "I see. I notice you've chosen acetic acid as your anti-bacterial ingredient. Do you know the common name for acetic acid?"

Preston: "I cannot comment on trade secrets"

Me: "Acetic acid is vinegar and you know it douchebag. Can I use Auralgan to sprinkle across my fish and chips?"

Preston: "As long as you pay us."

Me: "Is that a toupée you're wearing?"

Preston: "Get out of my office"

I Explain The Mess In Iraq With Two Quotes, Three Days After I Solved The Nation's Health Care Crisis With One Sentence.

Do you know the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni? Do you know that they HATE each other? Do you know they both live in Iraq? That they HATE each other? If so you're ahead of this guy:

“I thought it was differences in their religion, different families or something”

When given the scoop on the Shiites and Sunni's, who HATE each other, and have lots and lots of weapons in a country where 140,000 American troops are dispersed amongst almost 30,000,000 Iraqis, this is what he had to say:

“Now that you’ve explained it to me, what occurs to me is that it makes what we’re doing over there extremely difficult.”

It would be one thing if this were some random numbnut. It's not. The clueless one is a man named Terry Everett.

Terry Everett is a member of Congress.

He sits on the Armed Services Committee.

And the Intelligence Committee. Making the irony of his having this revelation more than 3 years after the war started all the richer.

I have also found evidence that Terry Everett may harbor fantasies of destroying the nation's capitol with warplanes and helicopters. This is an unaltered picture from his official website:



We're fucked.

Canadian Health Care, Part II

A question for my little blog garden's readership:

What would you think of me if I made my argument in favor of a Canadian-style health care system like this?

I bet the American one who slipped across the border and pretended to be Canadian because he couldn't afford to see a doctor would rather be covered by Canadian health insurance.

And I'm pretty sure the other guy I know who put off going to the hospital because he couldn't afford it and then died would rather have had Canadian health insurance as well.

While American health care means you can have a $100,000 thermonuclear powered ass scan if you can afford it, these anecdotal examples that I haven't shown I didn't pull out of my ass show that American health care does, in fact suck.

If I said something like that you'd more than likely think I was an idiot, and you'd more than likely be right. Keep that in mind as you read this comment:

I'm pretty sure the Canadian one who's family remortgaged their home to keep him is a US ICU instead of a Canadian one would have preferred my $50 co-pay. I'm also pretty sure the guy I know who bought an insulin pump out of his own pocket would have preferred my $10 co-pay.

While Canadian health care means anyone who needs to be in a hospital gets to be in a hospital, it does in fact, suck.

Now I'm not saying the commenter is an idiot, just that they framed their argument the same way an idiot would. That's all.

Thing is, that was the best comment I got after I posted how a majority of American doctors now support a national health care system. I also got a smattering of worn-out right wing dittohead doctrine and someone who said they read a story once about a guy with a brain tumor. Not the actual story mind you, just a comment that a story was once read. Interestingly enough, no one who wrote me to trash the Canadian health care system was an actual Canadian. It would seem the only evidence Americans can come up with to defend our for-profit health care is anecdotal.

Would you like to see some real evidence instead?

Canadians live longer than Americans.

Canadians spend just over half of what Americans do for health care on a per person basis.

That means tomorrow we could cover everyone, throw in an extra $700 per person every year for mad money, and still spend 30% less on health care than we spend today. Thirty percent off the nation's health care bill would be like fighting the war in Iraq for free. Twice. And you'd still have that extra $700 per person every year to go towards things like thurmonuclear ass scans.

No wonder people who disagree with me sound like idiots. They don't have another alternative.

Wake up and realize you're getting ripped off.

Like I've Always Said, Ronald Reagan Totally Knew What He Was Talking About.

Actually, no, I've never said that. But even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in awhile. Here's Reagan espousing an eternal truth regarding health care policy:

Are you willing to spend time studying the issues, making yourself aware, and then conveying that information to family and friends? ......Realize that the doctor's fight against socialized medicine is your fight.

Yeah. Nobody knows more about health care than doctors. Reagan understood this. We must heed the doctors call....we must, as Reagan said, realize the doctor's fight is our own:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - More than half of U.S. doctors now favor switching to a national health care plan and fewer than a third oppose the idea, according to a survey published on Monday.

How about that. Doctors know best. Just like Reagan said.

No one knows better than doctors how we spend more on health care than any other country in the world. How we could take the money we spend on Medicaid and Medicare alone, make a Xerox copy of the Canadian health care system, cover every person in this country, and have cash left over.

Read that last sentence again. I just solved this country's health care crisis in 29 words. Christ I'm a genius.

For those of you who are gonna tell me now about how much the Canadian health care system sucks, you can do so just as soon as you can find a Canadian who'll trade their heath coverage for whatever card you're carrying around in your pocket. Go ahead and look. Until you find one, we'll just work off the assumption that me and most of the doctors in this country are right. Reagan knew you could trust me and the doctors. Not the Physician's Assistants though. No matter what their position on national health care, I'm not sure I'll ever trust a Physician's Assistant.

So will you make yourself aware? Please? Then convey that information to family and friends? Like Reagan would have wanted you to? Will you follow your doctor's prescription before it's too late?

On everything else Reagan was wrong though.

Thanks to the alert reader who tipped me to the doctor survey.

What Happens At Homeland Security Headquarters, Stays At Homeland Security Headquarters.

OK......so maybe.....maybe....the kneeler is some sort of Secret Service type with a legitimate business interest in George's crotch, but there can be no possible excuse for Mr. Grinning In The Rear that doesn't involve sweet love making:




Mr. Kneeler: "I can't find it!"

Mr. Grinner: "Oh you just keep looking Bob....... I can't help but to notice you have a nice wide stance sir."

Bush: "Are you sure it's time for another colonoscopy? I thought for sure I just had one."

Grinner: "Oh it's time.... you did slip in the roofies didn't you, Bob?"

Bush: "I don't have time to worry about the Goddamn roof! I have a meeting.....ugh....er......getting sleepy.......feeling happy......"

In the next room, Laura was grateful to have been relieved of her special burden, if only for one night.

Disclaimer: everything under the picture is made up. Thanks to the alert reader who pointed me to it.