A Reminder Of My Distant Past Foreshadows My Near Future.

The man in overalls and the greasy baseball cap came up and started with "I'm here from out of town....." It's never good when a customer starts with those words. He talked in an accent I hadn't heard in awhile. An accent I have worked many hours to scrub from my own vocal cords. I looked at him and saw my past. "Durndest thang.....I had muh pill bottles set out all on the kitchen table and just left 'em thar" I looked at him and saw everything I ran from.

His daughter came up and there was a conference between me, her, and the old man's central profile. He wasn't involved so much. We eventually figured he needed his sugar pills as well as the ones for his tingly feet. A little boy came up and said "Pa! they got a chair outside with a roof over it!" I think the boy was talking about some sort of plastic made-in-China lawn furniture with a gazebo on display out front. I looked at the boy and saw me. I remember the first time I saw a shopping mall. It amazed me. I remember the first time I saw a big city skyscraper. It amazed me. I can very much remember a time when I would have been amazed to see a chair with a roof over it. Now I work with some of the wealthiest people in the world in one of the most beautiful places on the planet, and these people aren't amazed with anything. It's been a long time since I've been amazed with anything myself. I ran away from a place full of good people to a place full of the brain-numbness that only affluence can bestow.

I'll be leaving this weekend to go back home for a week. When I landed in California, I made it a point to say that the Golden State was my home now. It's not. I'm flying to Columbus, renting a car, driving it deep into the heart of Appalachia, and then giving my Mom a big hug.

I'm glad the old man came in the store.

The Real Reason I Am In Favor Of A Single Payer Health Care System. It means Big Profits For Big Pharma, That's Why.

Don't take my word for it. Take the word of Big Pharma. From yesterday's New York Times:

Amgen claimed a profit margin of almost 100 percent on its foreign sales, but only 15 percent on its American sales.

That's right, not only does every other industrialized country manage to cover all their citizens, spend less on health care, and have better health outcomes than we do (USA!.... USA!.... USA!), but according to the drug companies themselves, there's a shitload more money to be made for them overseas than in the USA, where drug prices are an arm and a leg higher. Those Amgen figures are echoed by Eli Lilly, Pfizer, and Merck. I guess we should consider ourselves lucky the pharmaceutical industry wants to do business here at all, since they make so little money in the United States. Evidently Big Pharma just really cares about the health of the American people, since they are willing to stay in such low-margin environment.

Either that or those figues are nothing but a bullshit tax dodge. According to the Times article, the companies that happily accept billions of tax dollars from your government, the companies that used their political muscle to have it written into law that your government is prohibited from even asking for a price break to cover Medicare Part D recipients, have now learned to shift their profitable assets overseas to avoid paying into the pot they suck so much out of. Using the figures from the Times, Pfizer alone would have avoided $10.8 billion in taxes. Getting Pfizer to pay it's fair share would be like getting a coupon for 1 free month of war in Iraq.

At least it's supposed to be your government. The word "corporation" does not appear in the Constitution, the first three words of which are "We The People." If you're a person, do something today to hold your government to those words.

Two Random Bizarre Bits Of Right Wing Insanity

From the website of In These Times, a magazine you should subscribe to right now:

As the GOP presidential hopefuls convened in New Hampshire for their third debate, Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo set a high bar for subtlety. According to The Swamp, a blog operated by the Chicago Tribune, Tancredo dropped in at the same diner where adversary John McCain happened to be having lunch. Seeing an opportunity to highlight his opposition to the McCain-sponsored immigration bill now in Congress, Tancredo ordered a treat to be sent over to McCain's table: some nachos.

Wow. So if I've offended anyone with my little blog garden, I totally think a good way to get even with me would be to send me some food.

I'm more than a little opinionated you know. Surely there is someone out there who's pissed off. Nachos will do. They totally would put me in my place. As long you don't skimp on the sour cream and make sure there's plenty of hamburger on top. My ideology is left wing, but I'm not a vegetarian.

Christ I'm hungry now.

The sober, clear eyed, right wing take on the immigration issue gets better though. Back to In These Times:

For those of you who think anti-immigrant hysteria is the special preserve of cranky white men, consider the California-based Vietnamese for Fair Immigration. The group has done all sorts of public outreach, sponsored candidates and even put up a billboard in Berkeley that blared "No racist amnesty"

It turns out, however, that the group's spokesman and cofounder, who identifies himself as Tim Binh, is in fact a cranky white man named Tim Brummer. Confronted by the Oakland Tribune, Brummer argued that, though white, he eats lots of Vietnamese food and is half-Vietnamese "in my mind." Anyway, he explained, the whole name thing was his wife's idea.

After you send me those nachos I plan on becoming the official spokesperson for La Raza.

I'm still hungry. I can't wait for you. I'm going to Taco Bell.

Mary Sammons, Pharmacy MILF.

I have never thought it fair that women receive the vast majority of sexual harassment opportunities. For years I have seethed with jealousy as the attractive women around me get chance after chance to to enter the world of higher pay, cushy assignments, and all expense paid travel and meals while I am stuck working for a living. I have prayed and hoped and dreamed of the day the executive glass ceiling would be shattered so that I too could have my share of uncomfortable swats on the ass and porn "accidentally" left on the office computer. It's my human right to be harassed.

Well things may be looking up in my industry. Meet Mary Sammons, CEO of #3 Drug retailer Rite Aid:



Mary may not be getting invitations to the Playboy Mansion, but when compared to the type of person we usually find at the helm of Fortune 500 corporations, I think you'll agree she's smokin.' Here's a picture of Lee Raymond, the former CEO of Exxon:

Lee was recently given a retirement package worth $400 million. Perhaps because everyone else at the company couldn't stand to look at him anymore.

In Mary's case though, the Drugmonkey could easily find himself caught in the web of power, money and luxury that someone in her position could weave. And she is a titan of the industry that employs me. I could see it now..............

(fade into dream sequence here.)

The Drugmonkey is in the middle of just another average day in his new job, simultaneously on hold with a doctors office, another drugstore and the help desk of Blue Cross of Lower Damnation. The line at the counter is 5 deep, and the fax machine is working non stop. In walks an elegant older woman in a business suit right past the chaos....she stands uncomfortably close to the Drugmonkey.

"Hello Drugmonkey. I just wanted to stop by to tell you how glad we are to have you on board, and to tell you about our...... bonus....... program" She touches the Drugmonkey a tad inappropriately. "You like bonuses don't you Drugmonkey? Do you have a minute?"

Drugmonkey: "Um, actually, I don't, take a look out there at your store."

"I see, well, I'll make a few phone calls while you make me some money."

Lunatic Customer: HOW MUCH LONGER?????????

Sammons, speaking with an air of authority into her PDA/Cellphone/MP3 player/Space Shuttle: "Johnson? Sammons. Giving a green light to the pharmacy staff cuts you outlined in your memo. A 10% increase in prescriptions filled per person will be our goal."

Customer Number 2: ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT SOME PILLS IN A BOTTLE!!!!!

Sammons: "AT&T? I need to order 5 more phone lines to be put in each of my stores"

Sammons then slowly saunters back to the Drugmonkey and whispers in his ear........"I can see you're busy....when you're free, I'm in room 869 of the Ritz-Carlton.....remember....with me.... it's personal."

Customer Number 3: WHERE IS THE MOTOR OIL? HHHEEELLLOOOOOO....CAN I GET SOME SERVICE?

Drugmonkey: "Ms. Sammons, don't think I'm not picking up on the signals you're sending, but can't you see that your policies are precisely the reason we will never make sweet love? I don't have time to urinate when I'm working for you, and holding it in for 12 hours can't be good for penile health. And by the time I'm free Ms. Sammons, the only use I will have for a bed will be for sleeping...."

Sammons looks at the Drugmonkey with a mixture of sadness and confusion.

"Mary, if you ever want some Drugmonkey lovin' you're gonna have to make some changes. I'll never be able to do nooners unless I get a lunch break."

Mary's eyes lock onto the Drugmonkey's for what seems like an eternity. Her cellphone rings and it goes unanswered. Softly, she says:

"I'll do it. Mary Sammons always gets what she wants, and I want you Drugmonkey."

My friends, the power of my raw animalistic sexual attractiveness may be just the thing that saves what is left of our profession. I owe it to you to apply for a position at Rite Aid soon. Wish me luck.

In A Welcome Development For Not Only The Country, But The Entire World, George Bush Agrees To A Psychiatric Examination.

From The LA Times:

WASHINGTON -- President Bush will undergo a colonoscopy Saturday, and Vice President Dick Cheney will be acting president during the roughly 2 ½ hours Bush is under the effects of anesthesia, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said today.

If ever there was a reason to down the scotch......try not to think of the words "Acting President Cheney".....

A Small Window Into The Subconscious Mind Of The Drugmonkey

In my dream I had been sent back with several of my friends from college to complete some remedial academic work. The work was very easy, which left us plenty of time to party even though I kept forgetting my homework and having to re-do it at the last minute. It was kinda like spring quarter of my 5th year in college, yet very different at the same time.

My friends and I decided to go to a bar where the house band featured my friend Mary from high school. I always had a crush on Mary, but figured she was out my league since she was a cheerleader and all. As I watched Mary's band play I became captivated by the bass guitarist. An inexplicable feeling came over me as she laid down some of the most solid bass lines I had ever heard while playing an instrument shaped like some sort of gourd. When the band was done playing Mary came over to talk with me and my friends. I asked about the bass player. Mary laughed and warned me to stay away from her. I couldn't understand why and turned to look at one of my college friends, who laughed as well. "She'll just break your heart" he said. "Don't do it"

I don't understand why it was so important for me to stay away from the bass player, but all in all, it wasn't a bad way to spend the night. I wonder if the band might not be there again this night after I fall asleep.......

I swear I have never smoked weed.

Sometimes The Customer Is Not The Idiot.

I have long said that in every pharmacy there is one person that holds the whole place together. I have also always said that that person is never a pharmacist. Those of you in the profession know exactly what I mean when I speak of the "keystone tech." They're the ones you scan the schedule for every week hoping to see them working the same shifts as you. They're the ones who can put fear into your very soul with the mere mention that they might use a sick day, although they never seem to. The ones that know that Blue Cross of Buttfuckistan is actually billed to Buttfuck Prescription Advantage, and that you have to use "ERW&^!!!+WAGSUX #@!" for the group number, but only on Tuesdays. Every pharmacy has a keystone tech, and they are worth their weight in gold.

Unfortunately the keystone tech always seems to be balanced out by the "other" tech. Perhaps it's pharmacy yin and yang. Or maybe it's some sort of corporate tax thing, but those of you in the profession know exactly what I mean by the "other tech" as well.

Customer: Can I use your phone?

"Other" tech: What's your last name?

The type of tech who when checking in your warehouse order will take your antibiotic ear solution and make a space for it next to the over the counter earwax removal products. The fact that space had to be made in no way deterring her in her steadfast belief that nothing used in the ear could possibly require a prescription.

Someone shoplifted one of the antibiotic solutions before I realized what she had done. She's worked here almost a year now.

It's funny stuff until I lose my license. Then I will have to kill her, which is a shame because she's really a nice person.

I hope the shoplifter at least had an ear infection.

Tonight, Perhaps, For A Few Minutes At Least, I Shall Allow Myself To See The Glass As Half Full.

From The July 13th Washington Post:

The popularity of the morning-after pill Plan B has surged in the year since the federal government approved the sale of the controversial emergency contraceptive without a prescription.

Plan B sales have doubled since the Food and Drug Administration authorized the switch for women 18 and older last August, rising from about $40 million a year to what will probably be close to $80 million for 2007, according to Barr Pharmaceuticals, which makes Plan B.

"This is exactly what we hoped would happen," said Susan F. Wood of the George Washington University School of Public Health. As assistant commissioner for women's health and director of the Office of Women's Health at the FDA, Wood pushed for the switch.

On such an occasion, when we have reached this benchmark in our professional history, I can really think of only one appropriate thing to say.....

IN YOUR FACE LLOYD DUPLANTIS OF GRAY, LOUISIANA!!!!!

Some of you regular readers already know this, but Lloyd is responsible for the blog you see here today. It was a little over 2 years ago I got the professional shock of my life driving home listening to National Public Radio. That night Lloyd saw fit to tell the world that Oral Contraceptives were "the most dangerous chemical on the market" and that he didn't sell them "in the name of science." (Lloyd comes on around the 12 minute mark if you click on the link) I'll leave it up to you to theorize what Lloyd's (or someone behind Lloyd's) motives were by starting a push for publicity 40 years after what he thought was the most dangerous chemical on the market went on sale. Whatever they were I knew they weren't good. That night my little blog garden took a sharp political turn, and my hit count soon soared. Whatever you think of the Drugmonkey, he wouldn't exist without Lloyd Duplantis of Gray Louisiana.

I've actually had a lot of fun with the blog since then. Perhaps I should thank Lloyd. As should the women of America. Back to the Post:

Advocates attribute the increased use ... both to the easier access and greater awareness of the drug's availability (emphasis mine)

Awareness that was given a big boost every time a lunatic like Lloyd Duplantis of Gray, Louisiana would do something like get on National Public Radio and let people know they could trust those like him with their health care.

So congratulations Lloyd, you really did make a difference. I wonder if for your next campaign you could become an advocate for the insurance industry.

"A single-payer health system is the most dangerous idea on the market" has a nice ring to it, and I bet NPR would be happy to have you back.

Stupid Redneck.

You've Been Good About Indulging My Michael Moore Infatuation. I'll Reward You With The Tale Of How I Claimed The Bounty Placed On A Customer's Head.

The upside down Bactroban cap was the last straw. "THIS TUBE IS DEFECTIVE!" screamed the lunatic. "I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!"

The Pharmacy Manager calmly showed the lunatic that the defect was that he was trying to put the cap on, yes, upside down. The lunatic wouldn't budge. He wasn't leaving until he got a new tube. I knew caving in when he demanded a refund for a three-quarters empty bottle of Tobradex because "he wasn't satisfied with the product" would only lead to trouble. The Pharmacy Manager wouldn't listen to me then. Now I was the only one who could bail her out. As the lunatic walked out the door with his new tube of Bactroban, she said "I will buy a 12 pack of beer for anyone who can run that man off"

Everyone in the pharmacy knew who "anyone" was, and I understood the parameters of the mission, should i choose to accept it. It was to be a clandestine operation. Should any part of it become public, those who sent me in would deny all knowledge of it or me. This tape will self-destruct in 15 seconds.

I also knew what I was up against. I had waited on the lunatic for many months and had never once acted like I had appreciated his business in any way, yet he kept coming back. That kind of thing happens when you keep giving them free prescriptions. This would not be easy. But there was free beer. I set my terms.

"You're not talking Milwaukee's Best are you?"

"Anything in the store."

"I'm in"

I started with the "out of stock" trick. Totally untraceable. How many pharmacies have ever really run out of Vicodin? None that want to stay in business, but that's exactly what happened the next two times the lunatic came to the counter.

This was coupled with the "exaggerated order time" maneuver. It takes a week to order Vicodin. When you're a fucking lunatic that is.

Closely related to this is "exaggerated fill time" When there's a beer bounty on your head, it takes an hour to fill your prescription. Then when you come back in an hour it's not quite done.

At this point, regular customers of Walgreen's are saying to themselves, "You mean there are places where this type of thing would be considered unusual?"

Even with all this, I still needed a bit of luck. The lunatic called at 5 minutes to closing last night and wanted me to stay late. That doesn't happen even when I like you unless you're hot. This morning Target called to transfer "all his prescriptions." I emptied out his profile, sent it over to the bullseye, and now am happily drinking an imported Pale Ale.

Of course I suppose I could have bought my own beer 6 months ago when all this started, but beer tastes better when you earn it.

Mission Accomplished.

I Do Drug Topics A Favor, Because Reading Their Magazine Is Starting To Hurt My Eyes.

This is an entire article from the Latebreakers section of the profession's leading trade magazine. I have changed not a word:

Can metered-dose inhalers containing flunisolide, triamcinolone, metaproterenol, pirbuterol, albuterol and ipratropium in combination, cromolyn, and nedocromil be phased out because they harbor ozone-depleting substances? If there are alternate products that provide the same benefits as these drugs, they are nonessential and can be removed from the market by, say, Dec. 31, 2009, after a transition period. So proposed the FDA in the June 11 Federal Register. The agency said it would hold a public meeting to discuss this matter. For now, please send your comments to the FDA by Aug. 10.

I think an illiterate idiot to English translation would go something like this:

The FDA proposed in the June 11th Federal Register that metered dose inhalers containing flunisolide, triamcinolone, metaproterenol, pirbuterol, albuterol and ipratropium in combination, cromolyn, and nedocromil that use ozone depleting substances (ODS) be phased out by Dec. 31, 2009. The agency says these inhalers are now nonessential because there are alternate products that provide the same health benefits without using ODS. FDA will hold a public meeting to discuss the matter at a future date and will be taking comments until Aug. 10th. at http://www.fda.gov/ohrms/dockets/default.htm Enter docket number 2006N-0454.

That took me less than 5 minutes, including looking up where to actually leave a comment. Which means at my current rate of pay Drug Topics, you could have had something both readable and useful in your magazine for less than $5.

Why am I so hard on Drug Topics? Because they suck. And I am bitter about the fact I have yet to get paid to write, which makes me mean. And because Trader Joe's quit carrying my favorite brand of scotch, which makes me meaner.

I'm very mean when don't get my scotch.