Monday, September 06, 2010

Highlights From Friday's Pill Counting Action.

"We really appreciate the extra effort you've put in since the start of flu season" The District Manager said to the Drugmonkey. "Knowing you can step up to make sure prescriptions still get out the door when the other pharmacist is tied up giving flu shots during her half of the day is a big help to us. I saw that you filled three times as many prescriptions during your shift than she did in hers yesterday. That's really an example of the type of teamwork we're going to need in order to make our immunization program a success. Thanks again"




Insert a good 15 seconds of silence here............









BBBBBBBBBBWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAAHHHAAAAHHHHAAAHHHAAAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAA

HHAAAAAA

HHAAAAAA

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh.....god.....think I pulled a muscle.....from laughing.......it hurts......

bwwwwaaahahhaaaaahaaaaaaa......oowwwwwwwwww.......

Just the thought that a district manager would even know I'm doing three times as many prescriptions as the other pharmacist now, much less react to it.......

ha ha ha ha ha.....ow ow ow ow ow.......

He really told me I had some overdue computer training modules to complete. I think they had something to do with boxcutters. He also told me to stop skipping my lunch break when it's busy. I want every other non-California retail pharmacist to read that again. A corporate suit told me to stop skipping my lunch.

Once that sinks in I have this to say to every non-California retail pharmacist. You picked the wrong state sucka. Ha ha.....ow.

The first customer of the day presented me with their insurance card and told me, "This new plan only covers 14 Ambien tablets every 30 days. I just wanted to tell you in order to save you the trouble of trying to bill for all 30."

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAA!!!!!

Oh God I'm on a roll......

BBBBBBBBBBWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Jesus. I think I really might have hurt myself. No. Seriously. I spent like 15 minutes trying to explain to the customer why they were only getting 14 tablets. I can't feel the left side of my diaphragm muscle now. I hope I can still breathe.

I've decided my American Indian name will be "He Who Solves Great Problems." I wish I could tell you how I earned it, but mulling it over, the situation was so convoluted, such an incredible comedy of errors, totally the eternal monument to the cluster fuck, that there's very little I could say about it without running the risk of going afoul of HIPAA.  I'll just tell you it involved simultaneously outsmarting a doctors office, Medco, and a competitor on the other side of town. They all threw their best incompetence at me and I mowed them all down. Because I am He Who Solves Great Problems and my pharmacy penis is thick and long. I reveled in the self-satisfaction and the $1.50 dispensing fee I had earned.

It didn't last long. "What do you mean by foam?"  The customer asked while looking over the Band Aids. This is the kind of question I struggle to answer without sounding like a smartass. I mean.......foam......like.......you know.....foam?

The customer must have been happy with my effort, because she followed up with an even greater challenge.

"What do you mean by feel better?"

The person then came to the counter and picked up a prescription that was being billed to Workman's Comp. Which means this person once had a job. Which means someone once looked at them and said to themselves, "This 300 pound mouth breather who can't get her brain around basic nouns and concepts is definitely the best choice for my organization" I pondered that for awhile. And the fact there are currently 15 million people in this country who can't find a job.

I was snapped out of it by the sound of another customer walking by, "I'm a nurse, I know how a pharmacy is organized!!" she said to her friend. Pay attention to your surroundings my friends, and you will constantly be learning things. This day I learned that they teach how to set up planograms for large chain drugstores in nursing school for some reason.

I farted and the lights got dimmer. I swear. It happened twice.

From the waiting area I hear, at more than full volume. I FORGOT MAY HEARING AID......YOU WILL HAVE TO SPEAK UP. YES......WELL.......SHE MARRIED A NEGRO SHOE SALESMAN AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.......HE MADE LIKE $7.50 AN HOUR AND I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE WOULD MAKE SUCH A CHOICE......

The nurse came back and asked me where the Imodium might be.

A car alarm sounded in the parking lot and everyone in the store stopped what they were doing to rush out and stop a possible felony in progress.

BWWWAAAAHAHHHAAAAAHHHHAAAA!!!!.....Oh Jesus. I might have to go to the hospital.

A guy was wearing female Uggs and I tried to figure out if he was making a statement or was just stupid. I was really worried he might get too much credit for being a free spirit when in fact he was just dumb.

Five minutes till closing and a young couple walks to the counter. He asks for Sudafed. I ask for an ID.

"I would have one if SHE wouldn't have lost my license!!"

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO HELL!!!!"

And then they stormed off. Making me feel much better about the fact I would be returning to an empty condo.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

what kind of drugs did the worker's comp person take to get that way?

p.s. are your new initials GPS?

Cynical Anatomy said...

This might be the greatest thing I've ever read.

Tyler said...

hahahaha, awesome! You are so good at putting your day into words! I had a mexican man come to the counter the other day to pick up his brand new prescription for Niaspan ER, he didn't habla much ingles, but when I asked him if he had insurance he said no. The cost of a 1 month supply was 96 dollars and he called his wife over to pay. She was still wearing her arbys uniform and my heart just broke. I thought, how many hours would you have to work at arbys every monthh just to pay for this. I checked his profile and sure enough, he had never been on any cholesterol medication before. I had one of my employees that is fluent in spanish tell them that we needed to call the doctor cause this was waaaay too expensive for them to be getting every month. Got it switched to a 3 month supply of pravastatin for $12. Yay! Later that day I had a Lady tell me to go Fuck myself because I was not going to sell her the pain med she wanted unless she also got the antibiotic the doctor wrote for. She lied to me and said she didn't have the money, but as soon as I said I could try calling the doctor to see if it was okay to do, she all of a sudden whipped out another 20. She stormed all the way to the front of the store after telling us all how much we sucked and right before she walked out the front door she screamed at the top of her lungs "FUCK YOU BITCHES!!" which no one up front had a clue what she was talking about and we didn't even get to hear back in the pharmacy. I went to school for 8 years for this, haha

Sarah Glenn said...

Tyler: I think it was great of you to help get the fast food family onto a less costly medication. They probably eat what she can bring home from work and they'll need it.

The doctor WANTED the other customer to get an antibiotic? She might have really had something! Plus, it's probably cheaper than the pain meds. No brains matches no manners, I guess.

BlogFan said...

Hilarious!! A great "stream-of-conciousness" summary of your day.

TiredRPh said...

I love all of this but especially the foam response. I had a guy(adult) and his elderly mom ask me what 'dye-free' meant on the Motrin suspension. I said 'uh, it doesn't hsve dye in it.'. I was immediately yelled at by the guy yhat I was being a smart-allec and sooooo rude. Really? Bite me.

Hope said...

up here in Oregon sudafed is a CIII prescription only item. It's actually easier to deal with that way than the picture ID thing. Something for you surfer dudes in Cali to keep in mind for the future.

And really, if you gotta go to the hospital, come on up to mine. I'll whip you up a little something for that problem you're having :)

Anonymous said...

Your blog just made my day! I actually had a lady ask me today, after counseling her about not drinking alcohol with metronidazole, "so is it ok to drink beer with that." I so wanted to say sure beer doesn't count! Yesterday I had to explain to a female patient that even if you take your birth control and antibiotic at different times of the day you could still get pregnant. Really this is what I have a dergree for? Love your commentary..makes me feel like I'm not the only one!

Từ Thanh Giác said...

ID for Sudafed has not put a dent into the number of meth labs that I have inspected during the decontamination process. It never ceases to amaze me how a high school drop out can think that he is a number one chemist. One lab that blew up put 87 families out of their homes when the apartment building burned up. The fireball shot down the hall; broke through a door and blew the sliding glass lanai doors on it way outside.

jin said...

"Because I am He Who Solves Great Problems and my pharmacy penis is thick and long."

The.
Best.
Line.
EVER!

eighthchord said...

anonymous: "Yesterday I had to explain to a female patient that even if you take your birth control and antibiotic at different times of the day you could still get pregnant."

We were taught last year (I'm a py3 now), that there is no correlation between the effectiveness of birth control and taking an antibiotic. However, I still refer to the pharmacist on duty when I get this question because I've run into way too many pharmacists who think the opposite to just disregard it. I'll have to research this on my own and not just depend on one professor's statement, although she really seemed to know her stuff.