Indianapolis, IN- (Drugmonkey News Service)- In a stunning move aimed at reversing what has appeared until now to have been a losing fight in the war againt marijuana, Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that a supplement to recently passed health care reform legislation would allow the federal government to partner with insurance giant Wellpoint to provide full coverage for the once illegal drug.
"It's true that earlier I made a decision that this department would no longer enforce federal marijuana laws in states that allow its medicinal use" said Holder. "I don't have to. I am confident that the people at Wellpoint can limit access to marijuana far more effectively than the DEA ever could."
"Bwwwwooohhhhhaaaaahhhhaaaaa" he added.
Reached outside a medical marijuana clinic in Los Angeles, a patient who could only identify himself as "Scooter" reacted with confusion:
"Dude.....like... what's a.....Prior Authorization?" he asked. "How am I supposed to get my back medicine with this form thingy? Or maybe it's my headache medicine. I don't remember. I miss Honcho. Back in the day all you had to do was give Honcho a call and he'd be at your door in like half an hour with all the weed you needed. You just don't get service like that anymore man"
"I was given a contract from Wellpoint that barely covered my costs" said Honcho from his farm in Mendocino. I got out of the business and started making pornography instead. I just hope to hell they don't start classifying that as some sort of sex therapy insurance will cover next."
At least 50 marijuana producers as well as 350 medical cannabis dispensaries have gone out of business since singing agreements with Wellpoint, who calls the contracts "A win-win for everyone, but mostly us."
"We're excited to expand our business of caring into the exciting world of medical cannabis treatment" said Wellpoint CEO Angela Braly. "And we are honored to have been selected by the federal government to be the exclusive insurance provider for its new medical cannabis program. Let me assure you, Wellpoint will bring the same level of commitment to patient care to this cannabis program that we have shown to the customers who have relied on us for years"
"Bwwwwooohhhhhaaaaahhhhaaaaa" added Holder.
3 comments:
This medical marijuana crap is making me run for the hills beserk as all get-out. What the heck are we doing with euphemizing 'medical' marijuana? Is this a throwback in the face of the new coolness of Baby Boomers? Legalizing pot umpteen years ago was a no-go, and there's no sound pharmacy reason for it now either. This is my unresearched opinion--spouting off without reading the DM blog. (Will read it in more depth later...but for now the 'knee-jerk'.)
Personally I would love to see medical marijuana expanded. I don't use any illegal drugs, but if I were to get cancer again, it would be nice to have an alternative to narcotic pain medication. I must be one of the rare people who hates taking that stuff.
Brilliant.
Just read today in the WSJ that WellPoint's profits are up 51%
Post a Comment