Highlights From Friday's Pill Counting Action.

It was 9:30 and I was worried. I had taken the usual opening flurry of phone calls, which were, in order, people checking to see if their Vicodin, Valium, Soma, Vicodin and Vicodin were ready to pick up, but none of them were from John. I checked the calendar to make sure it was Friday. Never had I worked at this store on a Friday morning and had John fail to call to check on his Vicodin by now. I briefly considered the possibility that John had finally learned that not once had any of these calls resulted in anything other than "it's a little too soon to fill that John"

Briefly considered the possibility I said. I knew it was more likely that something had happened to John. I hoped he was OK. He really isn't that bad of a guy.

The Friday controlled substance extravaganza continued as the next person at the counter had their prescription denied by their insurance company. It was Friday, so I assumed it was a refill too soon. You know what they say about assume. This one was a "drug not covered"

"But.....but.......what do poor people with no insurance do?" said the customer with the newly acquired interest in his fellow human beings.

"Not get prescriptions for Ambien, that's what they do, because they have to save their money for when they're really sick" was on its way from my brain to my mouth when a recall was issued. I decided if a sleepless weekend was what it took for this man to become aware of the insurance crisis in this country then me being a smartass probably wouldn't help anything. I listened to him as if he were Lou Gehrig telling Yankee stadium he was the luckiest man on earth.

Lady with poison oak: Do you have any recommendations?

Me: Put some hydrocortisone cream on it.

Lady with poison oak: Is there any kind of cream I could put on it?

Sometimes the only reason I don't kill myself dear customer, is that would mean you won.

A call came in around midafternoon. Thank God, John was all right. He's is a plumber you see, and his work took him out of town this week. Walgreens was calling for a transfer of his Vicodin. I told Walgreen's the last date of fill assuming it would sink in.

Me: I don't think you'll want to fill that one.

Walgreens: There are no refills?

Me: There are, but he got a 30 day supply a week ago.

Walgreens: What?

Me: It's too soon to fill. You don't want this one. This guy's got a history.

Walgreens: Can I have your DEA number?

Me: Hang on.

Then I put Walgreens on hold and called John's cellphone. It was way easier to explain to John his prescription was too soon to fill than it was this dumbass at Walgreens. John understood right away. I left Walgreens on hold until they hung up.

Half an hour later I accidentally called someone the name of a famous porn star. Whoops. It was close to the customers actual name though.

Last prescription of the day was a woman who couldn't remember her child's date of birth. She knew it was the 30th. No doubt in her mind on that one. She kept going back and forth as to whether it was January 30th or April 30th though, and she couldn't remember the year for the life of her.

"She's 18 months old" was the best she could do. Maybe I really wouldn't be the world's worst parent.

Oh, and I saved someone from a phenobarbital overdose. They totally would have died if the prescription would have been filled as written. The fact that that felt like the most insignificant part of the day was the main reason it was washed away in a river of scotch.