Simply by sacrificing a hand or two. Regular readers my remember my earlier post about how after a particularly suck-ass day at work, I was admiring the entrepreneurial can-do spirit of a man in Mississippi who was looking to raise, by my math, around $2 million by cutting off his feet live on webcam and charging people to watch. Alas, it can be tough out there for a small businessman, and the plan was never carried out. I think the guy's big mistake was in striking out on his own, and not getting under the protective umbrella of corporate America. Turns out while going through my annual statement of benefits from my employer, I've discovered I'm covered for $250,000 of "accidental death and dismemberment insurance." OK, the death part is definitely out, and 250k is a ways short of 2 million, but hey, the potential rewards as well as the potential risks are always smaller when you go corporate, and I'm thinking 250k would be enough to serve as a launching pad away from the soul crushing life behind the pharmacy counter. Turns out there are several ways to get the full payout and still live. Here they are and my thoughts on each:
1) Loss of both hands or both feet or sight in both eyes:
Hmmm....not too sure about this one. Seems a little too close to what that dude in Mississippi was trying to pull off, and if I lost both eyes I wouldn't be able to see hot chicks anymore. Think I'll pass .
2) One hand and one foot:
Now this one has possibilities, especially if you could stagger the sides of the missing hand and foot. That way you could still hold a walking stick or cane of some sort on the side where your foot used to be.
3) Speech and hearing in both ears:
If it were just speech, this would be a no brainier, as it would make it possible to live out my life-long dream of never talking to anyone ever again. Coupled with hearing though might be a problem. I've just discovered the kick-ass sounds of John Coltrane and want to see what else might be out there in the world of jazz. Wonder if I might be able to substitute loss of a hand or foot.
4) Quadriplegia:
This one confuses me. I always thought Quadriplegia was one of the Who's better albums, and I mean, even if you didn't like it, I hardly think it could be considered a disability. This might have something to do with being deaf, dumb and blind and acquiring an ability to sure play a mean game of pinball. I'll have to do more research into this one.
5) Either hand or foot and sight in one eye:
We might have a winner here. I'm thinking a foot, so I'd still be able to type, I'm closing one eye while banging away at the keyboard right now, and it seems very doable. Especially if it means 2,500 benjamins in the bank.
The question now of course is, what kind of accident cuts off a foot and one eye? The devil is always in the details, but a few more workdays like today and I will surely launch a full scale effort to find out.
3 comments:
laughing my a** off....and thinking you may have too much time on your hands....
Good to see you are in "good" spirits. If you figure out a way to avoid working and collecting cash let me know. I am about to re-enter the job market after 2 years of being Neil on the up series.
I can use the cash, but i haven't walked past the mail box in weeks!
Do you have many 'suck-ass' days at work? I've had my share, but you seem in a better mood than I normally would.
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