Saturday, May 20, 2006

Dear Meth Heads. Your Competence Gives You Away

Crystal Meth is certainly the illicit drug currently in fashion. Ecstasy is just so 2000, and if you're still taking crack, you probably do things like the Macarana when you get high. Crystal Meth is in baby. I theorize it has something to do with our current workaholic, go-go culture that gives a drug that can keep you awake for a week it's appeal.

Or perhaps it's the do it yourself aspect. in case you've been living under a rock and don't know this, it's possible for a person to cook up crystal meth using the common OTC cold medicine Sudafed. This brings us to the worst part of the meth epidemic. It inconveniences me. Your nanny government has decided the best way to deal with the problem is to take products that contain pseudoephedrine and move them behind the pharmacy counter. To their credit though, perhaps they do realize that it is incredibly easy to divine the motives of someone wishing to acquire the magic red pills. Two conversations will illustrate:

CUSTOMER NUMBER ONE:

Ummmmmmmmm.....yeah......what's good for a cold?

Me: It's a matter of matching up the right medicine to your symptoms. What kind of symptoms are you having?

Customer: I've got that thing that's going around.

Me (Now going into what's known as "beat it out of them" mode): Do you have a cough?

Customer: I don't think so. (5 seconds of silence)

Me: A fever?

Customer: Noooo.......

This will continue until I figure out nasal congestion is their only problem right now.

Me: Do you have any heart problems? High Blood Pressure?

Customer: I take that white pill, from Dr. Smith.

I now trudge over to the computer to look at the idiot's drug profile. It checks out OK.

Me: Why don't you try this. (The irony being I am now more likely to recommend Sudafed since it is now right behind me as opposed to having to leave the happy pill room and go to the cough/cold section.)


CUSTOMER NUMBER TWO:

I need the 96 count package of psudo-gest. (Customer has the exact amount the purchase will total, including tax, laid on the counter next to the cash register.)

Me: Get out of the store.

4 comments:

United We Lay said...

Okay, so I understand how you feel about addicts, etc., but who made you the medicine police? If the person wants to purchase it, and is of age, who are you to deny them that right?

DrugMonkey, Master of Pharmacy said...

Your first clue as to "who made me the medicine police" was in the post that you supposedly just read. Remember this part?

Your nanny government has decided the best way to deal with the problem is to take products that contain pseudoephedrine and move them behind the pharmacy counter

The whole purpose of this move was to "make me the medicine police." While personally I couldn't care less if you injected enough meth to simultaneously explode your heart and head in a spectacularly beautiful display of bloody fireworks, the state board of pharmacy and now the feds considers it just as illegal for me to sell you Sudafed to cook up into meth as it is for you to cook it. Actually more so, since if you were just cooking it for personal use, you would more than likely end up in some candy-ass rehab center, while I would be minus one pharmacy license, and therefore minus a steady paycheck and on the road to being as pathetic as you.

So, nothing personal, but I repeat, get the fuck out of my store.

Anonymous said...

Jesus. I wasn't aware pharmacists/techs could be held liable for selling someone a completely legal drug that they then turned into an illegal one.
I use pseudoephedrine as an appetite suppressant and, of course, as a decongestant. I naturally want to buy the most economical package available; I'm not paying $3 for 30 when I could get 90 for $5.
Good thing I have a deep voice that makes it sound like I'm congested...

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, we can be held liable. It's a sick and tragic world. My store's PSE notebook actually has the law printed out shoved on the cover so we can just point to it when people question us. I mean really...do we REALLY want to take the time to check your ID and log you in just to sell this crap to you?