I've Been Thinking A Lot Today About How Good A Lighthouse Operator I Would Be, And I Don't Know Why.

I don't mean I don't know why I would be a good lighthouse operator. There is no doubt in my mind I would be the most kick-ass lighthouse operator in maritime navigation history. I could sit there, at the top of my lighthouse all day long, with a book or something, and when I saw a ship on the horizon, I would know in the marrow of my bones that there would be no way it would hit any rocks. Because I would have a backup light bulb next to me. Just in case.

It wouldn't be all business though. As the ships passed by I could tap out things like "You suck" in Morse code using my giant light. If the ship's Capitan figured it out, he wouldn't be mad, because I had done such a good job of making sure he didn't become grounded, and because he would realize that injecting a little fun into the day is one of the things that made me the world's best lighthouse operator.

They'd probably put me in the goddamn lighthouse operator Hall of Fame.

What I mean is that I don't know exactly why these thoughts became so embedded in my mind today. I've known for years what a good lighthouse operator I would be, but today I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. Maybe the lighthouse is actually some sort of phallic symbol, and I realized today that the way to safe harbor for someone I know is through my penis.

I think I should use one of those glow in the dark condoms if that turns out to be the case.

Sometimes I Forget Why I Hate Him So Much.

Because really, I try not to look at him unless I have to, and with his star fading like a Chinese made bargain T-shirt in a washing machine full of hot water, he's becoming easier and easier to ignore.

But every once in awhile I get a reminder, like when I came across this today:

"We need to counter the shock wave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates"

That's an actual real quote from the mouth of the um.....man....who thinks himself a great wartime president less than a month after the country he led suffered the worst attack in its history. There were probably still bodies lying in the rubble of the World Trade Center when he said that.

The other part of his plan involved invading the wrong country in revenge. That's what happens when you put an idiot in charge. Turns out he couldn't read a map.

Neither could Hillary, as she let the idiot lead her in into the failed fatal geography lesson as well.

You know what to do if you're up on the 4th.

Finish her off.

A Quick Question For My Friends In The Insurance Industry

If you can print off a letter that says someone is covered, and that their card containing all the info needed to file a claim on their behalf is on the way, and that while this letter doesn't contain a scrap of information your pharmacist will need to file any claims, you should bring it to the store with you and wave it around like a lunatic anyway.....

Is there some reason.....you couldn't take the time and resources that you used to print and mail this useless letter and do something like.....


......oh I dunno.....maybe......


PRINT THE ACTUAL FUCKING CARD?.......AND MAIL THE ACTUAL FUCKING CARD? THE SAME WAY YOU MAILED THIS GODDAMN LETTER????

Call me crazy, but I'm thinking it could be done. Some nights just lend themselves to big dreams I guess.

I Think I Got Ambien Up My Nose.

I used to work the graveyard shift in the ghetto a few years back, and let me tell you, there is nothing like practicing pharmacy in the ghetto in the middle of the night. I actually kinda miss it. Not once since I left the ghetto have I faced a decision like what to do when I saw someone receiving oral sex in the drive through. For the record, I decided interrupting might not be the best idea, and really, it was like free porn. Some people probably pay good money to watch stuff like this. In the end, my eyes met the um.....receiver's and I gave him a thumb's up. He gave me one back and drove off a few minutes later.

Or the time an employee found a bag of cocaine while cleaning the shelves in the cosmetic section. It was shocking.....absolutely shocking.... that an employee was cleaning a store shelf. Damn if you couldn't eat off them for a few weeks after that though. Good times.......good times.....

The only thing I have to remember those days now though is an old prescription bottle of Ambien. I used to use the Ambien to help me sleep in the daytime back in the ghetto days. I opened it up just now to take a look and relive the memories, and all the sudden my nose started burning. Some of the ancient Ambien powder must have drifted into my nose and now it hurts like hell.

I'm sleepy all the sudden.

I Have A Better Idea Than Superdelegates. I Call It Super Whoopass.

We all know the deal. For the first time in a generation, one of the political parties may open their convention this summer without knowing who their nominee for president will be. It happens to be the party I belong to, and one of the contenders is someone I started rooting for long ago. Thing is, while I've been a political nerd longer than I've been an adult, I've never come this close to actually being on the winning side of a presidential campaign. It's a bit of an odd feeling. Normally the race for the White House for me involves a few weeks of hope, a crushing defeat in New Hampshire, and four years of sulking. This time though, we could win, and I have a plan to make it happen.

We fight them. When we get to the convention we physically fight the delegates pledged to Hillary Clinton. We pummel them until they concede defeat. Even if slightly outnumbered, I feel good about this. Remember her strongest demographic is the elderly.

I'm tired of her and her crap. We lock the doors, turn on the cameras, and sell the rights on pay-per view. Both to help finance the campaign and to let McCain see what he's in for. It'll be cathartic, unifying to the party in a way that mere words could never be. In the manner of two drunk dudes who get beer muscles then leave their neighborhood bar arm in arm, Hillary will have no choice but to respect us after we beat up her delegates. We stop only when she finally says she's sorry for voting for the war.

Then the strategy for November will involve triggering McCain's PTSD. I recommend appointing a campaign manager who's Vietnamese. He should be mean looking and talk with a heavy accent. We'll see if we can find a way to get some of his speeches piped into McCain's hotel room in the middle of the night. When it's good and dark. Getting physically violent with McCain will probably be less effective, as honestly, I don't have any ideas on what to do to him that haven't already been tried. I'm thinking there's still some room to fuck with his mind though. More every day actually, as his date with Alzheimer's draws ever closer.

Maybe there's a reason I've never been on the winning side of a presidential campaign. Or maybe I am the next Karl Rove.

Tonight A Customer Cracks The Secret Code Needed To Obtain Coverage In The American Health Care System.

One of the great joys of my profession is the fact that while other healthcare professionals may have a little sign in front of the receptionist saying that payment is expected at the time services are rendered, few have the ability to file and adjudicate your health insurance claim on the spot, instantly determining your eligibility and financial liability. Customers appreciate this, and it never fails to lead to many a lively discussion during the workday regarding the scope and amount of their coverage.

What I just said in that last sentence is that customers bitch about their insurance coverage. A lot. Many times at high volume.

The conversations are usually very predictable, and over the general din of pharmacy sounds this afternoon I hear one going on in the background, It's kind of like the pharmacy equivalent to crickets chirping outside a country cabin late in a summer's evening, just part of the expected background noise:

"Sir your insurance company says your coverage has expired."

"WHAT?!!"

"Blue Cross says you're no longer covered. Do you have a new card?"

"No" The customer usually then will just stand there, expecting that that answer will still get them their meds at their usual co-pay. It must be explained again to them at this point that without a valid insurance card, they are liable for the entire cost of their prescription.

This is what today's customer said next, complete and unedited. I double checked with my keytstone tech to make sure I heard him correctly:

"There was a senior citizen behind me last time, would that have made any difference?"

I had no choice. I instantly stepped in and reinstated the man's insurance coverage. He had a senior citizen behind him last time. He had figured out the Da Vinci code of health care. What every insurance company employee and health care professional knows and is sworn never to tell. Senior Citizen behind you = full coverage. Having an old geezer stand behind every American was actually the cornerstone of presidential candidate John Edward's health care plan.

I still don't know exactly what point the customer was trying to make, and I haven't had any scotch in a week.

That streak will end tonight.

Actually, If He Had Had A Drug Problem, He Might Have Kept His Job.

However, it seems like he was having his porn sent to the store. It came in a discreet brown envelope. Maybe a bit too discreet, as the store manager opened it and was a little....um.....taken aback at what she saw.

My sources tell me it was mature plumper porn.

The Drugmonkey learned two things this night.

1) They still make porno magazines. People still pay for them. Evidently there are just not enough naked people on the internet you can see for free.

2) It is possible for a pharmacist to be fired for something that doesn't involve drugs and/or theft.

I have the feeling there may be some overtime in my future.

The Rhinovirus War Continues, So I'm Sure You'll Excuse My Tardiness In Passing Along The Latest Developments In Eli Lilly Pud Sucking

You'll also cut me some slack I'm sure, because if you're a regular visitor to my little blog garden, you saw this coming over a year ago. To the January 31st edition of The New York Times:

Eli Lilly and federal prosecutors are discussing a settlement of a civil and criminal investigation into the company’s marketing of the antipsychotic drug Zyprexa that could result in Lilly’s paying more than $1 billion to federal and state governments.

If a deal is reached, the fine would be the largest ever paid by a drug company for breaking the federal laws that govern how drug makers can promote their medicines.

To recap, although really, you should be keeping up with what I write and know all this already:

1) Zyprexa is approved by the FDA only to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

2) Lilly decided they could sell more Zyprexa if they could get doctors to use it for age-related dementia, as the confused old person market will always be one of the most profitable on earth.

3) It is illegal to promote a prescription medicine for a use not approved by the FDA.

4) After Lilly told doctors it would be a good idea to use Zyprexa for confused old people, it turned out that confused old people who were given Zyprexa were more likely to die. That was the whole idea behind making behavior like this illegal. So something like this wouldn't happen.

5) Lilly will probably soon fork over a billion dollars. No one will go to jail. Because while corporations are given the rights of people, including the right of free speech, they have no bodies to imprison.

Don't cry for Lilly though, as I have a feeling they might come out of this OK:

While Zyprexa prescriptions are falling, its dollar volume of sales is rising because Lilly has raised Zyprexa’s price about 40 percent since 2003.

Let's be clear about what we just read. Lilly has the power to jack up the price of Zyprexa to the point where fewer prescriptions written still means more money for them. Yet that wasn't enough. Their greed still led them to conduct themselves in a way that led to a little face time with federal prosecutors.

Here's my favorite part:

Lilly also said that it had always followed state and federal laws when promoting Zyprexa.

"Hello officer?"

"Yes?"

"Here's $500"

"Why are you giving me this?"

"Because I have always followed state and federal laws when driving in traffic, that's why"

"I see, well have a fine day you law-abiding young fellow. You have done nothing to make you look guilty in the least"

Of course if you read carefully, Lilly doesn't say it followed ALL state and federal laws. I guess what they mean is that they followed most of the state and federal laws. Or maybe just some of them. Damn they must have some good lawyers.

Lawyers whom I hope have better things to do than read this blog.

Day 6 Of The Rhinovirus War. By Diverting My Attention Exclusively To My Own Well Being, The Little RNA Packets Affect The Karma Of My Entire World

The text ads in my G-mail account now say things like "Foster a solider, troops need baby wipes, lemonade....."

and

"Airborne coffee, get your caffeine fix while never forgetting those who serve"

A dear friend told me she was going to church for the first time in 10 years.

My world is crumbling. Google thinks I want to help the troops with something other than the $20,000 I already provide them to kill people I would rather see live and Jesus is picking off my friends. I am powerless because I cannot summon the energy to get out of bed. I am sick.

I must defeat the rhinovirus once and for all and begin to make things right. Tell the troops I am quite embarrassed to be giving them what I give them now, thank you very much. Tell Jesus to get his own friends. It will take more than a baby wipe.

Quite honestly, considering some of the pictures I've seen from Iraq, I would think a troop might need more than a baby wipe as well.

At least I still look good. I would rather be sick and hot than healthy and ugly.

Is that a zit coming in on my forehead?

All may be lost.....

On A Day My White Blood Cells Have Their Rhinovirus Attackers On The Run, Highlights From Today's Pill Counting Action.

The good news; my immune system has forced my body's invaders to flee from their headquarters in my lungs and set up a last stand in my sinuses. I would like to think my immune system has fought honorably and with distinction, adhering always to the principles that distinguish humankind from the uncivilized virus. After all, if you defeat an enemy less civilized than you by becoming uncivilized, who has really won? Remember that as you monitor the news from Iraq.

The bad news; no, I didn't get a day off. The following all happened in a pseudoephedrine-induced cloud that wrapped itself around my brain as I was serving my role in the world's economy of making sure the Viagra was where it needed to be for Valentine's Day:

First customer of the day: "WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IN THESE?"

Me: "You only have one box in your hand sir"

Customer: "What's the difference?"

Me: "I'd buy whichever one costs less"

Customer: "OK"

Sometimes you get the feeling right away the day is gonna be blogworthy.

First phone call: "I just finished my 3rd Diet Coke. Is it gonna keep me up?"

I do take actual drug questions though. Lots of them. Like from the lady today who asked me what alternatives there are to Cosopt.

"I think I'm allergic to that Cosopt" she said. I looked at her profile and noted she had been using the medicine for over 2 years now. "It's probably not an allergy" I said. What seems to be the problem?

"It burns my eye when I put it in now. Do you know what the doctor could switch me to?"

It turned out the woman had been using some Cosopt eye drops given to her by her friend when her husband passed away. They were a year and a half past their expiration date. The customer knew they were a year and a half past their expiration date. This did not stop the customer from putting them in her eye or give her a possible clue as to why they now burned. She was allergic.

"How many times a day do I take these? Just Once?" said the next hour's retard. He then put a bottle of vitamins on the counter. Guess what brand the vitamins were.

C'mon.....guess........

Do I really have to tell you they were One-A-Day Brand?

By the time I got to the lady who phoned to ask "Are your indoor plants kept outside?" I was starting to wear down. Maybe it was the fact I was sick, maybe it was the chlorpheniramine/dextromethorphan cocktail spinning around my brain. Or maybe it was really true.... 5 years of school, 16 years trying to make a difference in people's drug lives...and it was all for naught. In the end maybe I was about as useful as a women's room urinal. Then I opened my company e-mail.

Every week my company sends out a message letting us know how each of its districts are progressing towards meeting the mandates of the overlords at corporate headquarters. Each district is ranked accordingly, with the District Manager's name highlighted for all to see. This week, the best district in the country, and not by a small margin, was headed by a manager named "VACANT"

The knowledge my District Manager is evidently more useless than me made the rest of the day go OK.