My friends I feel a sense of relief this night. The weight of years of frustration, of worry, of concern for the well being of our great nation has been lifted from my shoulders.
I have succeeded. The most that one man can. The burden of closing the horse gap must now be passed on, for I am weary.
My struggle started almost a decade ago, when I picked up a book at the local Borders by a Saturday Night Live comedian and then political gadfly. In it I read that modern warfare has advanced to the point that "a special forces solider, sitting on horseback" could spot a target, send the information back to commanders, and have an airstrike executed all in the matter of 19 minutes, a process that took three days during the first Gulf War.
There was one problem however, and only Al Franken seemed to notice, this is from his 2003 book, "Lies And The Lying Liars Who Tell them"
You cannot call in airstrikes from horseback if there are no horses. This country faced a crisis, and no one seemed to care. No one, that is, except me and Al.
We sprung into action. Al filed papers to run for the US Senate, and I started a relentless campaign to get him there. Regular readers of my humble blog garden will remember my two major journalistic bombshells:
- The revelation that Franken's opponent, Norm Coleman, had never denied being a member of Al-Qaeda, an organization that undoubtedly would want to keep the number of horses in the United States military at a minimum.
- The uncovering of Coleman's choice to associate himself with an organization known to have protected child molesters.
Considering Franken won the election by only 225 votes, I think the importance of my work exposing his opponent's links to terrorism and pedophiles is obvious. Had it not been for my tireless efforts the chances of the horse gap being addressed would be close to zero.
Still, Al is but one of a hundred Senators, the Senate but one-half of the Congress, and Congress only one of three branches of the federal government. The struggle continued. The fight went on. But tonight my friends, at last, the breakthrough we've all been waiting for. From the third and final presidential debate:
Horse gap awareness has at last reached the highest levels on the land. My work is done here. I may finally rest.
Unless you guys wanna keep reading about evil shit CVS does. Then I guess I could keep going.