The Greatest Pharmacy Book Ever Published Is Now Available On Your Favorite E-Reader.

As long as your favorite e-reader is the Nook. I'm sorry Kindle readers. The people doing the Kindle file are taking their sweet fucking time, but it's coming, I promise.

For now though, those of you with a Nook have a reason to feel superior about your purchasing decision. You can go here and be reading this gem and many like it within minutes:

I always wanted to make some sort of mix tape of the random noises that are left on the store's voicemail overnight. That is how I start my day. Listening to the random noises. A lot of times it's the tones of someone trying to punch in a refill number. More often than I can count it's a befuddled "uuuuuhhhhhhhhh" followed by silence and a click. Once I swear it was just 15 seconds of slurping. Today it was someone singing the Hall and Oates classic "Maneater"

"Ooooohhhh-ooohhhh here she comes/watch out boy....she'll chew you up....."

Someone sang that into the store's answering machine. Listening to it is how I started my day.

I decided to test a new theory today. Whenever someone decided to interrupt me filling your prescription by asking the location of some product in the store, and I had no idea where the product was, I just sent them as far away from the pharmacy as possible, on the assumption that either; 1) They would find what they were looking for while making their way to the store's far corner, or 2) They would come across a store employee whose responsibilities actually include stocking the shelves. It seemed to work out pretty well. Only one person came back to the pharmacy to ask again, and I was on the phone and didn't have to talk to them. I can't believe it took me so long to think of this.

Actual conversation with a doctor's office:

Doctor's office: "Hi, I'm calling to authorize some refills for John Smith's Protonix."

Me: "OK"

Doctor's Office: "So, how many refills should we give him?"

For those of you not familiar with the process, it is traditionally the role of the doctor to issue a prescription, the doctor having been the one who's examined the patient and in theory the person with the slightest idea how serious the patient's stomach condition is. I said 12 because it was the first number to pop into my head. I thought the lady at the doctor's office would stop and ask me why I thought 12, at which point I would sarcastically rip into her for being dumb as a doornail. She didn't. John Smith got 12 refills. Some doctor out there feels comfortable having this kind of medicine practiced in his name.

Please don't tell me you don't realize the name "John Smith" was made up. Back to the day's action:

Someone asked me where the paternity tests were while they were holding a baby. They had quite the sense of urgency. It would have made for the best video blog post ever. Moving on......

"Hi.....uuuhhhhhh....yeah.....this label says not to take if you're allergic to shellfish.......but I have high cholesterol...."

I waited for the string that would tie that sentence together. It never came. The statement was already nicely bound up in some sort of point deep inside the customer's brain. The fact that it was bound in a way utterly incomprehensible to anyone else didn't matter. He knew drugboy would make it all better.

Another customer tried to forge a prescription for Patanol. Patanol is an eye drop used to relieve allergy symptoms, and some customer thought it would be easier to try to pretend they were a doctor phoning in a prescription for it than to contact their actual doctor. Their eyes must have been itching crazy bad.

Yet another customer asked me if he could eat hot dogs if he was taking Viagra. I was able to dig out the point here. He saw the warning on the Viagra label about nitroglycerin and thought it might apply to the nitrites in his wiener.

Not his Viagra wiener. His ketchup and bun wiener. See why I had to go to college for so long now? It's important to keep the wieners straight. Which is where the Viagra comes in. OK, I gotta stop. I'm killing me.

Speaking of wieners, I can't get that Hall and Oates song out of my head now. Or maybe the term "douche bag" would apply more to Hall and Oates. I'm not sure.

Fans of the paper can get a copy from my Amazon page, and if the people working on the Kindle file don't hurry the fuck up, I'm just gonna do it my own damn self over the weekend. The people working on my Kindle file are fuckers.