Me: Thanks for making the time to come in today Doryx, I know you're a busy drug.
Doryx: Thank you for having me Drugmonkey, and for the opportunity to explain why my unique enteric-coated pellets of doxycycline hyclate means there is no substitute for me!
DM: Meaning if your doctor writes a prescription for Doryx, it cannot be filled with any other type of doxycycline.
DM: What did people do before you came to market?
DOR: Well they didn't get the benefit of my unique enteric-coated pellets, that's for sure!
DM: No, seriously, what did they do?
DOR: Got by with outdated versions of doxycycline the best they could I suppose.
DM: And did these old fashioned versions of doxycycline have some sort of problem with bacterial resistance, or another sort of effectiveness problem that necessitated your invention?
DOR: My niche is more on the safety side Drugmonkey, you see, my enteric coating means I don't start to dissolve until I pass though the low pH environment of the stomach and into your intestine, and if I don't start to dissolve until I pass through your stomach, the chances of me triggering stomach cancer and leading you to a slow agonizing death would seem to be almost nil. Did you know stomach cancer has one of the lowest survival rates of any malignancy?
DM: Are you saying other forms of doxycycline cause stomach cancer?
DOR: Well I'm not in a position to comment on what other doxycyclines might or might not do. All I'm saying is that I never touch your stomach. I also contain no uranium, which means the chances of me becoming fissionable material and triggering a thermonuclear reaction are pretty much zero.
DM: So Doryx could be an integral part of a nuclear-free world?
DM: I see. So while we're on the subject of safety, do you cause less fetal harm if given to a pregnant woman than regular doxycycline?
DM: Less photosensitivity?
DM: Less Clostridium difficile associated diarrhea?
DOR: Look, I'm enteric coated, OK? I think the benefits of that would be self-evident.
DM: So self-evident that it's not really necessary to do any actual scientific studies to quantify what these benefits might be?
DOR: There are limited research dollars for these type of things you know. I think we can all agree that our resources are best spent elsewhere.
DM: Speaking of limited dollars, you are aware that a month of Doryx therapy can cost over $400?
DOR: I'm glad you brought that up Drugmonkey, the people at Warner Chilcott, who make me, are very concerned about the impact of high drug prices on patient care. That's why we've developed the Doryx Savings Card program. Once enrolled in this program, a patient will pay no more than $25 dollars for a Doryx prescription, cutting the retail price by over 90%!! Those are real savings for real people.
DM: For the first three months.
DOR: Well, yes.
DM: And with how you've positioned yourself as an acne medication, as opposed to an antibiotic to treat acute infections, you expect most of your customers to take you for far more than 3 months, don't you?
DOR: Unless they want their zits to come back and end all their chances of ever being accepted by the cool kids in school.
DM: And you know a month of regular doxycycline costs less than $15.
DOR: Look, I know our time is running short here, but ask yourself, if your tumor-laden stomach were to explode in a toxic mushroom cloud, how much would you have paid to prevent that? There are some things you just can't put a price on Drugmonkey. Thanks again for having me on.
DM: We.....um...actually have plenty of time left.
Doryx bolts out of the studio......
Disclaimer: There is no link between any form of doxycycline and stomach cancer. That was just a fictional example of the kind of bullshit I imagine Doryx would say if it could talk.